As 2007 draws to a close

I'm not feeling happy or sad, just sort of blah and relieved this dreadful year is ending. I can only pray 2008 is somehow better.

I'm also not feeling so chatty (probably as a result of the blahness), but wanted to wish you all a happy New Year.

Blog Rolls

For now, I have removed the blog rolls on the side of the blog. There were several that had changed categories, many more that I read that weren't listed, and I am trying to figure out a new organizational scheme anyway, so I temporarily took them off. It doesn't mean I'm not reading my "blog posse."

Almost

I almost made it through this holiday unscathed until the very end. Ok, I admit, I got a little teary-eyed in church at the discussion of Elizabeth's barrenness on Sunday. But mostly I was doing my best to barrel through. Until tonight.

Despite my not really wanting to go, we went to dinner at the home of a woman from church. I had asked DH ahead of time if there would be children and was assured there would not be. But no one warned me so I ignorantly walked into the house, to meet the hostess's DIL who just happens to be eight very months pregnant. I thought I was going to puke right then and there.

Merry Christmas

to each and every one of you!



P.S.- I am currently reading "Embryo Culture" and can't wait to share about it.

It Never Really Ends

DH's urologist called last night and left a message. DH got in touch with his assistant today who said the urologist wants DH to have y-chromosone deletion and karotype testing based on some results he got back. Another thing to educate myself about.

I feel like just when we start to have some semblance of a plan, the rug is pulled out from underneath us.

Someone who gets it

I was at a brunch this morning with some women from church, some of whom know about our infertility struggle. One of the older women, who is a grandmother and certainly never struggled to have her own children, was discussing our plans for ivf with me. And she said, "It's just not fair, is it? That you all have to go through all of this. If anyone should have children, it's you two." I merely replied how DH reminds me that life isn't fair, but oh how I rejoiced that someone else who is not mired in this understood.

I am so angry

about this article regarding the "return" of an adopted child. It just makes adoption more difficult. What is wrong with people?



ETA- Gumby and Malloryn have it right in their description of how this can harm international adoption. It also affects public perception, especially of people like my MIL, who are misinformed to think that all babies from international orphanages are going to have "problems."

It's official!

Here I wrote how I had instigated a change in our leave policy so that fathers and adoptive parents would be able to use the same amount of their already-accrued sick leave as women who give birth. Today, I learned that the change in policy had passed all of its bureaucratic hurdles and will be in place for 2008!


ETA- in response to Jen's question, just to clarify, it is not six weeks of paid leave. It's being able to use six weeks of sick time for leave if one has the sick time accrued.

Still seething

My MIL whom I usually adore calls me at work to tell me how she was discussing with "the girls in jazzercise" (she goes 6 days a week, mind you the girls are in their 50s and 60s) about how we are considering adopting from Russia. One of the girls told her how "all" of the children have fetal alcohol syndrome and "they" will lie to you about the children's medical conditions and you will end up paying tens of thousands of dollars in bribes at the last minute. And she had the name and number of the director of infertility and adoption in Missouri and was going to call her and let her know I would get in touch with her. Ugh!!!!!!

So, I tried to explain that the Russian adoption system is greatly improved nowadays and that we were going to try ivf first. And then she didn't know what that was and I had to give a biology lesson. And for heaven's sake, I AM AT WORK!!!!

And just love how she is discussing our infertility with all the damn girls at jazzercise.

Another agency meeting

DH and I went to another adoption agency information meeting this morning. this one was different in that it was a small agency and it was just us meeting with the director. I walked out of there ready to file a registration form to adopt from Russia. And for two children. I loved these people and trusted them to get us through the process.

But DH and I discussed it and agreed that if we are ever going to do IVF, 2008 is the year to do it. I will be 34 (as of the end of January) so it will be the last year that shared risk is the least amount. DH is also right that, sadly, the orphanages of Russia (or whatever country) are not going to be empty next year if the IVF routine fails.

Looking for info

I am looking for any information that anyone out in Blogland has about the tax deductability of an IVF shared risk program. Is it included in the medical and dental expenses deduction even though the patient is not paying the provider?

Any info is greatly appreciated.

Skipping

Today is the children's Christmas pageant at church. We're not going. As much as I hate to miss a service during Advent (usually my favorite time), I know my limitations and I am pretty sure it will ruin my day. So, I am giving myself a pass. DH doesn't much care as he is not a big fan of off-key childish singing and preferred to sleep in this morning.

I know full well the classic stages of grief that infertility brings- denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance. This week was especially difficult in that a coworker who I was pretty sure was pregnant "announced" it to everyone at the holiday party (she had told me the day before). I knew she was trying and based on her due date, it happened the very first month. Also, at our office holiday party, the coworker who started trying a few months after me brought in her two-month old and was talking about the time when her next one comes along. And then, as a little icing on the cake- a male coworker announced his wife was pregnant with their third. I felt myself swirling down into a vortex of pain.

Poor DH doesn't understand why it hurts me to see others who have "cut in line." DH tells me I have become obsessed with trying to have a child. He is right. He also told me that he misses how carefree I used to be. I feel that's been taken away from me. He doesn't get why I feel like I am the homeless outsider peeking into the window of a swanky party, wanting so much to be a part of it. And yet ostracized.

But mostly I am angry. I am angry that to even have a chance at a baby, we will be paying thousands of dollars and go through the tortures of ivf. And even all these privileges are denied until I can be a certain weight. I am bubbling over with anger and resentment at how easy it is for some to get their babies, the thoughts that don't even cross their minds. I don't know that I can ever be carefree again.

I am having difficulty eating. That seems like a strange comment for a woman 75 pounds overweight. And not something that has ever been an issue in the past, it's usually refraining from eating that is a problem. I literally look at food and become anxious because I know I have to drop the weight and in a certain time frame. I am certainly not trying to starve myself. I have been through the merry-go-round of weight loss enough times that I know the best method is better eating and more exercise and I know that the weight watchers model works well for me as it has in the part. And yet in the last three days since the definitive decision to go forward with ivf, I know I haven't consumed even half the calories necessary for a healthy diet. And when I do eat, I feel sick to my stomach.

I want a break from infertility. Not a break from "trying." Just a few days where it doesn't hurt and my mind doesn't spin.

Not much more than can be done

DH suffered through the catheter and a rectal u/s (eek!). Apparently, the boy bits all looked good. The source of the white blood cells remains a mystery since the cultures came back negative and there are no blockages. So, he is pretty much done with the urologist.

I guess the onus is mine now to lose the weight to obtain an appropriate BMI.

Poor DH

He had his follow-up with the urologist this morning and it is looking like he is going to get a catheter photo shoot.

The Baby Business

A very interesting audio interview with Debora Spar, a senior associate dean at Harvard Business School, and the author of "The Baby Business: How Money, Science, and Politics Drive the Commerce of Conception" on
MPR. I think I might get the book.

On to cycle number 19

I know that cycle number 19 is not that high compared to many, but I never thought I would be able to say we are closer to two years than one.

Home with Creme

Blogging has been sparse because I was traveling, but I am home now and hoping to jump back into the swim of things. I have dutifully been reading others' blogs throughout the week though. Even though I had a lovely time, it's always wonderful to come home.

I had a hard time picking a post (mostly because I didn't feel that anything I had to say really "wowed" me), but I finally sent in my submission for Creme de la Creme.

Ignorance Abounds

Yesterday on the phone my mother tells me all about information her doctor gave her about doing sperm fragmentation testing. I haven't gone into detail with her what the cause of our infertility is for a variety of reasons so she thinks we need to do more testing on DH because "doctors often think it's the woman, when it's the man." Duh. Apparently, this quack told her "it only takes one." Beyond the fact that this is a personal pet peeve, it's medically inaccurate which I tried to explain to her. She is a nurse, after all. Her response was that she "disagreed" with me that hundreds of sperm are necessary to break down the outer membrane. And that I "shouldn't believe everything I read."

Amen!

The front cover article of Newsweek ("Infertility and Diet") caused me to come unglued because it failed to address all but a small slice of the infertility world, namely ovulatory dysfunction, and made it sound like diet is a panacea. And it never once mentioned that half of infertility is attributable to the male. Argh!

But Dr. Licciardi gets most of it right on how limited this information really is.

Tagged

by Trish for eight random things about me.


1. As a teenager, I worked at Disneyland as an "attractions hostess" in Fantasyland. I loved learning all the rides, but the costumes were definitely some perv's fantasy.

2. I (surreptitiously) listen to Christmas music year-round.

3. I was married within 10 months of meeting my husband (engaged after 4.5 months).

4. I secretly desire to be a pastry chef; alas, law school loans prevent that.

5. I spend a lot of my volunteer time working to end domestic violence. Since law school, I have volunteered with a variety of organizations that provide direct assitance to victims or advocacy.

6. I have a Second Life avatar so I can IM my husband when he is downstairs.

7. If I could live anywhere in the US, it would be Northern Virginia. I lived in DC for about six months during college and fell in love with it. Charleston, South Carolina, is a close second.

8. I like the beach when it's grey, overcast and cold.

Just to clarify

The weight I need to lose to do ivf is to get me to a BMI that is acceptable (although still overweight) for anesthesia. So, the 35 pounds I have to lose is a minimum and I could stand to lose more. When we first met with the RE back in June, he told me (in a very nice way actually) that this would be an issue so I was not surprised.

As for the frozen embryos issue, I will explain that more fully in a later post.



And thanks yodasmistress and kristen for the very kind comments.

Doing a 180?

After meeting with the RE (which predictably boiled down to donor insemination or ivf), DH is gung-ho to do ivf and shared risk, at that. After learning more about how few couples (only about 25%) even have embryos to freeze and that those only have enough for one FET, he is willing to take the risk of frozen. Apparently, in his head, he thought ivf creates dozens of embryos that are in deep freeze. I wish he had told me of this so I could have disabused him of the notion. I did know that dozens of embryos wasn't the case, but I must admit I didn't know how few there really are.

I am still struggling with the frozen thing though. Anyhow, I will continue to ponder. If we did move forward, it wouldn't be until summer of 2008 because (1) the RE won't do the ivf until I lose 50 pounds (well, only 35 now since I have been working on this); (2) my work schedule is crazy from February through May and wouldn't allow for any time off for any purpose; and (3) to give us time to get finances in order.

Can I just add that I really hate that just about everything in my life comes down to my damn weight. Sigh.

A Foot Soldier

I moved two of the blogs in my blogroll to the PG after IF category today and was so very happy to do it. It gives me the sense that someone is winning the war against infertility. And that's how I approach infertility- as an enemy to fight against. And even if I don't win, I want someone to prevail against our common foe.

The weapons of the infertile: the all-too familiar stirrups, the dildocam (of course), superovulatory drugs (bring on the Clomid and the needles), the ever-enlarging speculum, the catheters, the blood tests, the list could go on and on. Oh, don't forget the ubiquitous cup for our male friends. Although we have our outward offensive weapons, our defenses must not be neglected. We put on the armor of ambivalence to buffer against disappointment; we use a shield of sarcasm to assuage the despair that comes from another birthday or anniversary or holiday that passes; and, we helmet ourselves with more and more information that informs us, but still does not solve our infertility.

Battle on, friends!

The Paralysis of Overanalysis

This article at Newsweek on decision-making really struck me.

The premise is that decision-makers who do not engage in severe mental gymnastics actually make better decisions.

Consider the "take the best" heuristic. "Take the best" means that you reason and calculate only as much as you absolutely have to; then you stop and do something else. So, for example, if there are 10 pieces of information that you might weigh in a thorough decision, but one piece of information is clearly more important than the others, then that one piece of information is often enough to make a choice. You don't need the rest; other details just complicate things and waste time.

The distinction between the two types is described this way:

Gigerenzer calls such decision making "satisficing," as in "satisfying" enough to "suffice." Satisficers don't feel the need to know everything, in contrast to "maximizers," who do want to weigh every detail imaginable in making even minor life decisions. Interestingly, studies have found that satisficers are more optimistic about life, have higher self-esteem, and are generally happier than maximizers.

I think I've nailed down the big difference between DH and me. I would be really interested to know what impact gender has on being a satisficer versus a maximizer.

When will baby's first Christmas ever come?

I resigned myself months ago to the fact that not only would I not have a baby this Christmas, I wouldn't be pregnant either. But last night I asked DH if he thought we would have one next year for Christmas or at least in process (whether that be pregnancy or imminent adoption). He, being the eternal optimist, said yes. But I just don't see how we're going to get there.
I am really feeling like we need to get some irons in the fire. I need to have something to hang on to in order to get me through this Christmas.

Friday is our consult with the RE. I figure he is going to inform us that further IUIs are pointless. I am not even sure what to ask him at this appointment. What a waste of his time and our money (thankfully, most of it insurance).

Thanksgiving

As the pie bakes in the oven and the snow falls gently outside, I am so grateful for my wonderful (and still snoring) husband. I truly never thought I could be so lucky to have someone who loves me so much and who fills my heart to overflowing.

Thankful for all of you

This day before Thanksgiving, I give thanks for all of the wonderful women and men who make up the online infertile community. And I emphasize community. Merriam-Webster defines community as a "unified body of individuals." I feel that is exactly what so many of you are- whether it is in the blogosphere or from messageboards. We are not the same, our infertility problems are not the same, and the solutions to our infertility are not the same. Yet, we are unified in our struggle that is infertility. We have the same spirit- the spirit to support, to walk alongside each other, to impart that each of us not alone.

I am so grateful and express my thanks to each and every one of you: for those who have left me an encouraging message, for those who have read what I have written and felt that pang of familiarity, for those who have provided helpful information, for those that have agreed with me and those that have disagreed, for those whose blogs I read faithfully, and those whose blogs I have read only once but been touched by. You all have helped me know I am not crazy, I am not abnormal in what I feel, and I am not the only one.

My Thanksgiving wish for each of you is that this is your last childless holiday.

On the semen front

I got the results back from DH's staining semen analysis. The result do indicate white blood cells and not immature sperm cells. It makes no sense to me why this would be the case after a thirty-day round of antibiotics. Or why these white blood cells started showing up in September for the first time after four analyses that showed none.

Of course, the count was terrible as usual, the motility was worse than it usually is, and for the first time the morph was bad.

I seriously doubt we will be doing another IUI cycle in December.

Canine thanks

Today, I am very grateful for our two misbehaving, but oh so lovable, dogs. I am especially enamored of them after their grooming session yesterday since they now smell soooooo good and are extra soft and fluffy. Both of them are rescue dogs. The first came as a stray who was used to digging in trash cans and the other was the old dog that no one else would take home.

Although both of our mutts leave a little bit to be desired in the well-behaved category, they both are attention seekers who give so much doggie love unconditionally. They don't care if it's one of those days when I look like I've been hit by a truck- you know the ones- sweatpants, dirty hair in a pony tail, feeling fat. They sit silently with me when I cry. They don't judge. They can sense when I'm having a hard day and often just come up and put their little heads on my knee. They are excited by the simple things- a walk, a treat, a little attention. They don't worry, they don't have stress, they feel confident that their needs will be met. Ah, a dog's life. I am grateful that I can share in their little slice of that.

Office Thankfulness

Although I don't always like my job and it is not ideally what I want to be doing career-wise, I am very thankful that I have a job. After getting married and moving, it took me nine months to find any kind of a job, so when things around here get dicey, I remember how it felt to be unemployed.

I am also thankful that my job is flexible eight months of the year and I can take time off without explanation for all the myriad doctor's appointments that IF brings. And I am very thankful that my insurance covers all IF testing and diagnosis and six rounds of IUI. I know how few people have that benefit.

Sunday Thanks

Today, I give thanks for the wonderful older women of my current church and those of my previous churches. They are wise and noble women.

They have taught me that no matter what is going on in my life, there is some one much worse off than me who could use my help. They have shown me the wisdom of praying for someone while beating batter for banana bread or a batch of cookies. They have instructed me in the art of hospitality whether at home or in the church kitchen. They have taught me how to laugh through the tears and pray when there are no answers.

They don't question me about infertility, but make sure I know that they are available to talk. They never ask why I can no longer assist in the nursery. They pray for me. They ensure that I am not ostracized by the fact that I am the only childless woman my age.

They expect great things from me and for me, even when I can't foresee either for myself. They build me up with their quiet spirits. They personify God's love here on earth.

A Week of Thankfulness

In an effort to prepare my heart and spirit for Thanksgiving, I am going to post each day about something for which I am thankful despite infertility.

Tonight, I am thankful that I have a lovely home with lots of space for entertaining. I love that I am able to open my home and share holidays with friends and my wonderful in-laws. I get to bake and cook and create smiles on people's faces. For this one week, I am not going to dwell on the "empty" rooms that await a baby. I will remember all of the special memories that have occurred in all of the other rooms. The day our newlywed selves moved into our first home together. The anniversaries and holidays we have celebrated at the Amish-made cherry wood dining room table that DH insisted be handmade and real wood. Our first "real" furniture that was neither handed down from relatives nor required assembly. The opera posters and the Native American pottery that we have acquired in our travels together. Snuggling on the overstuffed couch with the fireplace roaring on a snowed-in day. For this one week, I will be thankful for our home which is so much more than a house.

Estrogen is my friend

I have decided that estrogen is my friend. I feel the most sane and the least sad about infertility at the beginning of a cycle. It's not a "it's a new cycle, so there is a chance" thing, it's more that I feel as if I am in control and not some hormones. Even on the Clomid and injects, I still feel "clear." Since that is the dominant hormone in the follicular phase of a cycle, I have decided estrogen is my friend. And progesterone is the work of the devil. Post-ovulation, I am just a mess. Then, add those cursed suppositories and I am veering off into depression. Perhaps, this is why I had such a difficult time on birth control pills that were heavily progesterone-laced.

The human body fascinates me.

Bella

DH and I went to see "Bella" this weekend. It has received numerous independent film awards (most notably the People's Choice Award at the Toronto Film Festival). The movie has been touted as a pro-life, pro-adoption movie, so I was curious to see it.

DH didn't care for the film. He thought it was overly sentimental and the symbolism in-your-face blatant. And although I agreed that some of it was over-the-top, it was nice to watch a movie that was just about the story of a few people rather than sidetracked by violence, sex, gore, or sensationalism. I think it gave an accurate potrayal of the feelings a woman goes through when faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I wish that there had been more depth in the movie's examination of what it means to be family. But I think I really liked it most for all of the Spanish speaking. I miss the beauty of that language, which I was accustomed to hearing, but rarely do any more here in the Middle.

For further information about Bella, check out its website.

Not sure why

but I keep having thoughts of adopting a little boy from Russia. I was not very enthused about international adoption, but this thought keeps creeping in to my psyche.

Walk of Hope

Although it's rare, every once and a while my husband surprises me. He saw an advertisement for the Walk of Hope to support Resolve at the RE's office. He was adamant about us participating. He can never get up in the mornings, but he was ready and willing to awaken at 6:30 so we could be at the Mall of America on time. On a Saturday.

It was announced that approximately 350 people were there to walk and almost $60,000 was raised. At one point, I looked at DH and saw a very sad face. As we walked, I asked him about it. He said, "Look at that little boy on his dad's shoulders. I want to do that." He said he hadn't realized how many people would have children. I guess, the Celebrating Families theme didn't quite permeate. But later he told me that he did have hope after seeing all of those people with children that one day we would too.

And he is still wearing his green wristband. He calls it his circle of hope.

The Gush

You know it's coming. Your body has sent out every forewarning possible- bloating, cramps, cravings, fatigue.

First it starts out as simple spotting. Then, you feel that all-too-familar trickle.

And finally, the physiological gates give way. To the fullness of the gush.



ETA= It's ok to giggle. I wrote this with a BIG wink.

Not a big tarot fan, but

with thanks to Kristen

You Are The Hanging Man

You represent the seeking of enlightenment and spiritual clarity. You tend to confuse others, but your oddities seem deeply satisfying. Self sacrifice is easy for you, especially if it makes you a better person in the end. You are the type of person who is very in touch with your soul and inner spirit. Your fortune: Right now is a good time for reflection and meditation. You should stop resisting the problems in your life, and let yourself be vulnerable to them. You may need to sacrifice something important to you to move ahead in your life. Accept your destiny with courage, and learn to let go of what you think you need.

What Tarot Card Are You?

This is a test, only a test

In an attempt to see what it will feel like not to "try," I have put away the thermometer. No temping for me. No opks either. I haven't been temping or opking through IUI cycles because the meds would have just messed with my temps and made me a wreck. But I thought I would resume temping in a "natural" cycle. But I am going to try this as an experiment.
Yes, we'll have sex and yes, I'll try to aim for more or less the right day. But if we miss it, we miss it. Trying to have sex on the right day hasn't worked for the last year and a half, so not sure why it would work this month. I know when I ovulate because of the distinct ovulation pain, so I will still chart to an extent (I do like knowing when to expect my period) and that will be that. I wonder if I can give up that the control-freak side of my nature for a month.

As expected

A negative beta. We are going to take November off to resolve the sperm white blood cell issue (hopefully) and see what the RE has to say on the 30th. At least, I don't have to worry about being hopped up on hormones during Thanksgiving.

Strangely enough, I didn't cry after they called with the result. Maybe the disappointment gets easier? For that matter, I don't even really feel disappointed. Of course, that was the result. It couldn't have been anything else.

Making A Change

In August, I met with our human resources director concerning the differences in sick leave usage policy between fathers and adoptive parents and for women who give birth to babies. Our policy currently notes that pregnant employees who give birth are allowed to use sick time for six weeks or as deemed necessary by a doctor. (This is in addition to disability time if the employee has paid into short term disability.) Conversely, fathers and those who adopt are allowed only ten days. Not only is this inequitable, I think it sets us up for a lawsuit (at least, on gender grounds).

Because of the governmental body I work for, making a change in policy requires literally legislative action and I was not feeling very hopeful that any change would be made, even though it would not cost a penny because employees would only be using sick time they actually accrue.

But today, the human respources director happened to be walking by my office and stopped in to tell me good news. The change in policy has been green-lighted by the management committe and all the way through leadership. The other legislative body has even agreed to it. So, it just has to be approved by the final _____ Commission. I really feel excited that I have made a difference, even if it's not something I ever use. It's the right thing to do.

Take the pledge

Join me in taking Resolve's NIAW Pledge of Resolution, which states:

I recognize the observation of RESOLVE's 18th Annual National Infertility Awareness Week®, 2007.

I understand and endorse RESOLVE's mission of providing support services, education and advocacy on behalf of the 7.3 million Americans diagnosed with infertility.

By signing this NIAW Pledge of Resolution and sending it to RESOLVE, I pledge to...

--Acknowledge I am not alone in my family building journey.
Seek support whether it's online, through a support group or a mental health professional.

--Find empowerment by the learning about the different ways to build a family.

--Take control of my infertility by being an active participant with my medical and mental health caregivers in decisions regarding treatment and other family building options.

--Visit resolve.org often for the latest information and coping techniques.

--Educate friends, family, coworkers others about infertility and its emotional impact as a way to inform them and help them communicate with me.

--Tell family and friends who will be compassionate and supportive about my struggle and give them the opportunity to support me through a difficult time.

--Take action and become a RESOLVE advocate.

By signing this petition I'm letting RESOLVE know that I am committed to pursuing one (or more) of the pledge actions listed above and I acknowledge that RESOLVE is here to support me during my family building journey.

Take it yourself and send to a friend.

Proof

Just a little bit of fun.

Like a ton of bricks

I have a confession to make, I skipped a dose of one of those stupid progesterone suppositories yesterday so that I would hopefully not feel weepy about the adoption info meeting. It apparently worked because I was fairly level-headed and didn't feel emotional about it at all. And for the first time, the idea of international adoption sounded intriguing to me. As if I need to open up another can of worms.

DH, on the other hand, was a royal pain. He kept fidgeting in his chair, sitting up, slouching down, getting up to throw things away, tapping my hand, whispering to me. I wanted to shove him.

After the meeting, we went to dinner and I asked him what he thought. He said he didn't know what to think. Ok, very helpful. After much pointed cross-examination, I finally pulled from him that it had hit him- how long this process is going to take, how much it is going to cost, and how much it will require of us. All of the things I have been saying for, oh, I don't know, months, maybe?

Anyway, I feel like we have a plan of sorts, although it hinges on the results of the special s/a today. If the white blood cells are really immature sperm cells as a result of the Clomid, we will take off at least November from IUIs. Since we will be gone in January, I know we can't cycle then, so we might go ahead and do one in December, depending on what the RE has to say on the 30th at the consult. But if they are really white blood cells, DH wants to go ahead (although I told him not to bother for reproductive purposes) and have further testing involving catheters and rectal probles. Fun, fun.

Meanwhile, in three months, we should know if Bethany will have a local embryo adoption program and if not, we will apply to the one in Tennessee in March after we hit our three year anniversay (program requirement of three years of marriage). So, at least, there is a plan. Even though I feel no closer to actually getting a baby.

Holding on to Teddy Bears

I feel like I am all gloom and doom on this blog (perhaps because it's IF-dedicated and I have another more "all-purpose" one). But the following touched me and made me think how much I wanted to be able to console so many of us who reside in Infertility Land. So, I wanted to share. It's taken from Seasons of Your Heart by Macrina Wiederkehr.

Once upon a time
when days were still fresh
and new,
ordinary
and uncomplicated,
I was a free child
in love with everything . . .

a bee buzzing
the wind in my hair
a branch to hang from
bare feet in the grass
dandelions and fairies
teddy bears.

I don't remember growing up.
It must have happened while I wasn't looking
but it is obvious from my heart
that it has happened
for I am less simple
more complicated
and more cluttered.

I would not choose
to become a child again
but I am looking to children
and searching in them
for a simplicity and ordinariness
that makes being an adult
easier to accept
and miracles easier to see.

Children are not too sophisticated
to wonder
to take off their shoes
to reach out, and up
and all around
for that where miracles are.

The child in me longs
to touch all of the adults I know
with the magic wand of littleness
and perform that great miracle
of enabling them to understand
that it's not too late
to live happily ever after.
The problem is so simple
they could miss it.
Their teddy bears
they've thrown too far
and how desperately they need them.

Virtual Advocacy

Today is Virtual Advocacy Tuesday during this National Infertility Awareness Week. Go here to view Resolve's list of things you can do to support NIAW and specifically check out this to support the Family Building Act of 2007 and to make the federal adoption tax credit permanent. And Mel over at Stirrup Queens is working on a great project of infertility stories. Add yours to the mix.

And if you are wearing your common thread make a point of telling someone its significance. I did- at the voting booth.

Inconsistency and Ignorance

We have friends who are a couple where he is vegan and she is a vegetarian. And although I don't personally agree with their philosophy of not eating animal products, I can respect their convictions. But I about came unglued when the guy who won't eat eggs because it is exploitative of chickens explained that he didn't think embryos were life or potential life. How is that in any way consistent? Good thing DH hustled me out of there pretty fast.

The kicker for ignorance came today when a friend of mine made the comment that "maybe it wasn't God's will" for us to have children. This thoroughly ridiculous statement is so wrong on so many levels (rationally and theologically) that I didn't even know where to start. I was rather proud of my response to her though. I stated rather emphatically that infertility is a disease and would she say that it's God's will that someone had cancer? And then, I told her until she learned a little bit more about infertility or had to go through it, she had best not say such things to those going through it. She tried to tell me that she understood because she physically can't have children (she has had both tubes removed and most of her uterus). But she knew that when she was 23 and is now 40. She has never tried to have children and for that matter never expressed a desire to have them. She doesn't even like the stepdaughter that she has.

Can we tell I am feeling a bit on the angry side this evening? I always do better with a cause to rally around.


Another adoption information meeting tomorrow.

The End Doesn't Justify The Means

Maybe it's because I'm an attorney or maybe it's because I used to be a prosecutor or maybe it's because I have a heightened sense of justice, or maybe it's because of something different altogether. Process is important to me and ultimately, the end never justifies the means, if the means are not acceptable. As much as I have hated it, I have either conceded issues or dismissed cases where I knew the defendant was guilty, but the process was wrong. When the process is jeopardized, a cloud remains over the end result.

This weekend, after a long and tearful discussion involving all of the moral qualms DH and I have with freezing embryos, I asked him, "Why are we considering doing something that we have a such a problem with?" He said he wants me to be happy. I told him, "the end doesn't justify the means." I don't want the conception of our child to be clouded by the greys of moral uncertainty. So, it seems that is decided. Unless something drastic changes, it seems very unlikely that we will ever attempt ivf. And the end result of that is that we probably won't be having biological children.

DH is ready to stop altogether, he thinks any further IUIs are pointless. I am not sure yet on that one, but I'm getting there.

National Infertility Awareness Week

Yesterday was the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. I want to challenge you to take one action to promote infertility awareness. That could be having a discussion with a stranger or shop til you drop to support Resolve. Resolve has a great list of NIAW week activities here. And blog about what action you took. I will have a post about what I did later this week.

Worker Bees

I was watching CSI and about peed my pants laughing when Grisham explains that the worker bees are infertile females. Even in nature do the infertiles have to do all the work.

Smashing Pumpkins

It is the day after Halloween, after all. Perfect for some smashing of the pumpkins.

Think this was written by an infertile? Rage, a rat in a cage, what do I get for my pain, faking it, what is lost can never be saved? Definitely an infertile.

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show?
And what do you want?
I want to change
And what have you got, when you feel the same?

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son, yeah.
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was the only son for you

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a-
Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a-
Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son for you

And I still believe that I cannot be saved

Trick or Treat!

Happy Halloween!

I am trying my damnedest to make this a fun day and banish infertility from any conversation I have with DH. Candy should assist in that task. Last night was a rough one at Casa de las Shoes. I truly think this progesterone is a big culprit. It seems that I weep about anything on these things.

Yesterday, I spoke with the patient coordinator at the National Embryo Donation Center in Tennessee. It was rather enlightening. She said that about half of the couples choose an "open adoption" where the embryo donors get to see the profiles and give a yea or nay and the other half is completely anonymous where the embryo recipient just sees a profile of the recipients. The fastest she has seen someone go from application to transfer is six months, but the average is 10-12 months. Also, I re-read the embryo adoption info from Bethany and it seems as if they may have a local program coming soon, a decision will be made in about three months. The prospect of doing this locally makes me much more willing to consider that option.

And DH talked to the urologist yesterday afternoon. Dr. M thinks it might not be white blood cells in the semen after all. According to Dr. M, microscopically white blood cells and immature sperm cells can look very similar. The only way to really tell the difference is by doing a specific test that also involves staining, which isn't something they normally do. Dr. M explained it as the the Clomid's way of cheating- it tricks the body into making more hormones and more sperm, but they don't fully develop. Back to andrology for poor DH.

Happiness Sold Separately: Barren Bitches Book Brigade

I had sort of a love-hate response to Happiness Sold Separately. I loved how real the emotions of the main character Elinor were, but I have to admit I hated the feeling that the author exploited infertility as a plot device. I resented that she seemed to use the cliches of infertility leading to infidelity, getting pregnant after failed treatments by not trying, and that the infertile couple is older. I wish there were more books or at least more attention given to the infertiles who are in their 20's, of whom there are many.

Anyhow, on to the questions.

Elinor's thought on page 47 really struck me: "When Elinor was paying attention to her career, she should have been paying attention to her biological clock. When she was paying attention to her biological clock, she should have been paying attention to her husband." It made me wonder: Am I paying attention now to the things I should be paying attention to now? Are you?

Now this one hits me where it hurts. I often worry about the time I am "wasting" with all of this struggle to have a baby. I know that I think about it way too often and it has paralyzed my ability to look beyond the here and now. I've already missed a good friend's wedding, passed up another friend's birthday party, we're not going to my family's for the holidays, so many moments I am giving up. I know there are certain friends I have "written off" because they are not the most sensitive to infertility. I am holding in the job that I have now for fear of losing insurance coverage and leave time. And I worry that these months (and soon years) will be a black hole of memories for me and DH.

Elinor takes up laundry and Ted works on the hutch. What new hobbies did you pick up or abandon during treatments?

I love to read. But for about the last six months, I have found myself having a lot of difficulty getting through a book. I am tired so much of the time (whether from the meds or the getting up early to go appts or just plain old sick and tired) that I read barely a page or two before falling dead asleep. One thing I have taken on as a project is making our Christmas cards. I'm not particularly crafty, although I aspire to be. Not sure what I will do when the holidays are over. The thing that usually makes me happy is baking, but with my desire to lose weight, I have to avoid too much of that.

Elinor finally finds out there's a reason for her pregnancy problems, "a balanced translocation," and finds "there's solace in learning that something is tangibly wrong." How does (or would) a definitive, action-able diagnosis affect your ability to adjust or come to terms with your infertility? How would it affect your emotional response? Would it provide some closure? Alternatively, if you're in the unexplained category how does that ambiguity affect your decision-making and desire to keep trying?

We had a confirmed diagnosis with less than a year of trying. I just knew in my heart of hearts that something was wrong and my doctor was willing to start testing after only nine months of trying. As terrible as it was to find out, it was so affirming to know I wasn't crazy and that something WAS wrong. I think I would go over the edge if we were "unexplained."

Elinor participates in a book club meeting following her miscarriage and finds that "no one gets her"...and thinks "why should they? She's a barren, bitter, self-pitying grouch. She hates this book club. She smiles and loosens the grip on the stem of her wineglass, afraid she might snap it in half." Do you find yourself having similar experiences? Would the infertility struggle be easier for you if you felt that people "got you" or not? Please elaborate.

I could really relate to this experience. Just last week, at my book club, we were discussing the (truly terrible) book Eat, Pray, Love. The author of that book leaves her huband because she realizes that she doesn't want to be married and doesn't want to have a baby (I am simplifying this a bit). In our discussion, I said I couldn't relate at all to the author and my fellow book club members derided my inability to empathize with a women who (unknown to them) was rejecting everything that I am killing myself to get. And I do wish that others "got me" when it comes to infertility. Often, I feel that not even DH understands how I am feeling about this. And if he doesn't get it, then how can I possibly expect my parents or his parents or any of my friends to really understand? One of my friends keeps telling me to lean on my friends, that is what they are there for. But I don't want to "lean" for fear that they will say the "wrong" thing and leave me unbalanced.


Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood.

Another for the locals

DH actually really wants to do this after seeing a flyer at the RE's. Even though it means getting up at nine o'clock in the morning on a Saturday. It's a half-mile walk in the Mall of America on Saturday, November 10, benefitting Midwest Resolve. So, if you're in the area or just want to donate to support the walk, you can sign up here.

It Takes More than One

I appreciate the support, but do realize that it does take more than one sperm to get the job done (unless one is doing ICSI).

Why? "The egg is usually covered by a thick layer of cells called the cumulus oophoricus that serve as a blockade to restrict sperm from getting into the egg. It may actually require an assault of many sperm to break down the cumulus sufficiently to let one sperm get through to the egg."

Ever so slightly better

Today's count was 400,000 and the lab was able to wash out enough of the white blood cells so that the sample could be inserted into the uterus. And boy am I ovulating- I feel like I am being sawed in half. I imagine this is the closest the sperm has gotten to my eggs ever. DH said a little prayer out loud as the nurse inserted the sperm.

God, I guess I wasn't clear?

I asked for three MILLION, not three hundred THOUSAND. Not an astonishing number, not even a great number, but that was my threshold for hope.

They should have called and cancelled. Just when you think it couldn't be as bad as before. Only 380,000 and still too many white blood cells to actually put in the uterus, so they just injected into the cervix. The nurse is going to call me after the doctor reviews and tell me if he wants me to even bother to repeat tomorrow. And scheduled the consult for the end of Nov. Since RE is on vacation for two weeks, that is the earliest appt. I pretty much think we're done though.

Update- the NP called and RE thinks it's worth trying tomorrow. So, we get to haul ourselves across town (only the main clinic is open on the weekends, not the smaller one I usually go to) on a Saturday morning for a real exercise in futility.

Genetic continuity and conception with a life partner

So, the next two losses the author (Patricia Irwin Johnson) of "Adopting After Infertility" addresses are individual genetic continuity linking past and future
and the joint conception of a child with one's life partner. I had never thought to distinguish biologically-obtained children in this manner. I pretty much lumped it together in my mind- biological children equates with continuing my biolgical line and also blending it with my husband's. But I can see the value in the distinction and, surprisingly, the second is more of a loss for me than the first.

Our family is fairly matrilineal. Yes, the women have all taken their husband's names and gone the traditional route to the outside world, but in reality, it's really the women who are in charge and the men have been sort of insignificant and mostly absent. Hence, why I had very little connection to my maiden name as it was my father's. However, I feel a very strong connection to the great-grandmother I never met and for whom I am named. From pictures, I know I have her eyes (which none of my siblings or my mother or grandmother have) and from stories, I know I have her temperment. Will that connection end if my child is not biologically related to me?

The author describes this loss as "losing the expectation that we will continue the genes of our families in an unbroken blood line from some distant past into a promisting future." I have always assumed that my baby would have blue eyes- my entire family has some form and mine are so distinct, it was a given, especially when I married DH who also has blue eyes. For some odd (perhaps, vain?) reason this is truly the only "biological connection" loss that I can identify. DH has no difficulty with not knowing his own genetic connection and really could care less whether he is biologically related to his children. Of the six losses, I can rate this one as the least significant for me.

But a child of our union or "conception with a life partner," as she terms it, that is where I really feel it. Even before we got married, DH talked of our future children and how we hoped that a boy would have his enormous height and a girl would not, how they would likely have vision problems because both of us are blind as a bat, how much I hoped for a little blond boy just like his baby pictures, and how he wanted a little brunette girl with soft curls like I had when I was little. We love each other so much and I want a tangible expression of that love to manifest itself in a child. Can we still have a child who is the product of our love by raising a nonbiological child? Yes, I think so. But all those dreams and memories of "when" have to be laid to rest.

Perceived Losses

The author of "Adopting After Infertility" lists the following six losses perceived to be a consequence of permanent infertility:

1. Control over many aspects of life
2. Individual genetic continuity linking past and future
3. The joint conception of a child with one's life partner
4. The physical satisfactions of pregnancy and birth
5. The emotional gratifications of pregnancy and birth
6. The opportunity to parent

I think each one of these perceived losses is so significant and I hadn't really separated them all out in my head- I was lumping all of them together, so I am going to take an effort over the next few days to discuss my feelings on each, as an exercise in understanding how I prioritize them and why. DH has made it pretty clear that the only loss he really would have a problem with is losing the opportunity to parent, which is something that can be cured by adoption.

CONTROL.
The author details how infertile couples can feel that infertility is the cause for a loss of control in every aspect of their lives. She gives the examples of what type of car depends on whether it will be carrying children, accepting a new job depends on how it will impact insurance or flexibility for treatment, social calendars driven by the menstrual cycle, even how much coffee to drink or what underwear to wear.

I realized yesterday that a treatment cycle even dictates my apparel. I don't want to wear a skirt and hose on days that I have an appointment because it's a hassle to get off and on while a nurse is waiting for one to undress and re-dress. And I prefer to wear shoes that involve socks just because my feet get cold in the stirrups.

And I hate the not being able to plan my schedule. I knew this week would be a myriad of appointments and it made it a real pain to schedule my every day stuff that needed to be done. And that doesn't even take into account timing for injects.

This loss of control has been harder than I would have imagined. The author points out a few pages later that adoption involves an even greater loss of control. My stomach dropped when I read that. I am already at my wit's end and adoption will be even more of the unknown. Truly, how much can I take before I go stark raving mad? And yet, on the other hand, what is the alternative? At least, I am doing something- whether it be injecting and inseminating or filling out adoption paperwork and preparing for a home study. If I was doing nothing, I would feel not only without control, but powerless as well.

Deal or no deal

Boy, did the dildocam hurt today. I know my left ovary can be difficult to find, but wow.

I decided to take a small gamble b/c the NP gave me a choice. My follicles are at 18.5 (20x17) and two 14s and lining is 8b and triple layer. She said I could trigger tonight and do insems Thursday and Friday. Or I could do another Gonal-F shot tonight and trigger tomorrow and give the 14s the opportunity to catch up. Waiting until Thursday to trigger gives us a 40% chance that at least one of the 14s will be mature. The only potential detriment to waiting is the slim possibility that I might ovulate on my own and miss the insem and only have the one follicle. However, today is only cycle day 12 and last month I didn't trigger until cd 13 when my lead follicle was 20 and my lining was a 10, so I think I made an ok choice to wait. On non-medicated cycles, I don't ovulate until cd 16, at the very earliest and usually more like cd 17 or 18. But I hate that I even attempt to second guess myself with these decisions.

Ah hell, it is what it is. I know very distinctly when I ovulate because I get really strong ovulation pain, so I guess I can always call if I start that process.

Adopting After Infertility

I picked up "Adopting After Infertility" on a recommendation from a few people who have adopted. I thought it might help me become more comfortable with adoption. On the contrary, I have been syrprised and it is helping me work through the decision-making of trying to conceive. The first third of the book is actually devoted to making these sorts of decisions and how much treatment to pursue and it has been remarkably helpful for me to more concretely balance all of the factors- potential loss of bio kids and/or pregnancy; importance of parenting; cost- mental, physical and financial.

As I go through the book, I am going to have quite a bit to post about. The first concept that has me pondering is that a fertile partner can "render" herself or himself infertile as a result of a partner's infertility. Although the diagnosis in our case is exclusively male factor, I have always thought of "us" as infertile. In medical reality though, DH is infertile and I have chosen to be infertile as a result of my commitment to having children with DH as my "reproductive partner" (as the book terms it).

More to come on decision making and grieving loss.

Change and reduction

I was going through some filing and came across a card with a bookmark that a friend had sent me a few months back (I am a terrible filer). The bookmark has the following quote by Maya Angelou:

I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it.

So, it got me to thinking how infertility has changed me and whether I am allowing it to reduce me.

How have I changed? Physically- I have gained weight because I put weight loss on the back burner thinking I would be pregnant and could just lose it with the baby weight; I have comforted myself through the disappointment that is ttc with food which has led to even more weight gain; the stress of getting myself up in time and to the myriad of appointments has made me feel like I am running on empty.

Emotionally-I have become one of "those" women (you know, the ones you never thought you'd be, who can only think about having a baby); I feel mired in the infertility merry-go-round every day; thoughts of how to resolve the lack of a baby consume most of my thoughts; I never know when I am going to be sad at the thought of not having a baby- it strikes me at the least convenient moments.

And spiritually-this is the most difficult struggle I have gone through in doubting my faith and God's love and plan for my life.


What I am still pondering is if or how I have been reduced by infertility. That is a post come.

Follicle scan

Cycle Day 10 and a date with the dildocam today was a bit disappointing. The right side has two follicles- 15 and 11 and the left has a 10. The NP thinks I might only get one follicle this month, perhaps, two. My lining is only 5b. Last cycle on CD 8 it was a five and by CD 11 it was a 7, so get to go back to the green grit of the estrogen tablets. Fun, fun. I go back on Wednesday and tentative insems on Thursday and Friday. I kind of wish they would push them out to Friday and Saturday.

Another option?

As if I needed to add any more choices to the mix. Ha!

Last night, I received some info on embryo adoption, which DH was looking at last night. He seems much more amendable to that idea than ivf. Unfortunately, the success rate is only 20 percent, equal to any FET cycle. It costs less than half of what an ivf cycle costs, but I would have to go to Tennessee for the transfer.

Something to think about.

How does one stop "trying?"

This was the discussion DH and I had on the drive to the adoption information meeting. I asked him that if we proceed with adoption, how do I stop "trying" to conceive? His response was we just have sex when we have sex and if some miraculous pregnancy happens, it happens. But even if I hang up my bbt and opks permanently, I know when I am ovulating. How does one step off the rollercoaster of trying and not let that little glimmer of hope sneak in every month? DH told me I needed to get a new hobby. That was pretty much the end of that conversation.

As for the info meeting, it was actually fairly reassuring. Most of the other couples there were interested in international adoption. For their domestic program, they place appx 60 babies a year, they allow 100 families into the program, wait is usually under a year, but the longest waiting couple has been in the book for 2.5 years.* Last year, they had no babies that were "reclaimed" during the legal waiting period and only two the year before. One thing that surprised me was that there is actually very little time between match and placement. Usually, the match is made only in the few weeks before birth and occasionally after birth.

Of course, after the meeting, DH and I had to have another discussion and it always results in the same ending- if trying ivf is that important to me, then he is willing to try it, but his strong preference is for adoption.



*As a total aside, I felt so terribly sad for these people and I don't even know who they are. How terrible they must feel not to be "picked." It's worse than being the last person standing for team picking in junior high.

Adoption information meeting

We are going to one tonight for one of the two local agencies that were recommended by the facilitator of the Resolve talk time group I have attended. I received the info from the one other agency in which I was interested, but its domestic adoption program is currently full and I don't want to even contemplate a waiting list in addition to the length of time adoption can take.

I'm not sure what I am looking to find out from tonight's meeting. When I asked him last night, DH said he just wanted to understand the process better.

If I had to describe my feelings, I would say I am feeling rather ambivalent. And thankful that the Clomid doesn't cause any emotional reactions in me.

Back on the rollercoaster

Got the green light at my baseline today, so here we go again. Now, I am just praying for better (not spectacular- just improvement) sperm results come insemination time. The nurse today repeatedly said how perfect my cycle went last time and how the RE was pleased. Well, my body doing the right thing really isn't that much of an excitement at this point, but it was a nice try.

Biology does not a good parent make

My in-laws are truly the best parents I have ever met. Not that they are perfect people, but there is no doubt in my husband's mind about how much he is unconditionally loved. He has no hang-ups whatsoever that can be attributed to how his parents raised him. My husband would not hesitate to call his parents if he needed something, financial or otherwise. And there is no doubt that they would lend whatever support they could and give all that they have. They are a constant. And this is how I define perfect parenting.

Meeting this family and coming to be a part of it has been a revelation for me. I had never encountered a family without dysfunction. I come from the generation of broken families and therapy. My own family is chaotic and critical. They love me, in their own way and on their own terms. I am the one who can be counted on to come through in a time of crisis. My mother isn't much on comfort because she is always going through something that is "much worse." My father is all about taking credit for my accomplishments despite his perpetual absence throughout my growing up. They aren't all bad and they try, but far from perfect parents. Our infertility journey has not been something in which they have been willing to participate, other than to make veiled negative comments about adoption and say that I have to make my own decisions.

The reason I took my husband's surname was not just because I wanted to be connected with him, but rather, that I wanted to be grafted into this entire family. From the moment I walked back in the door after my husband proposed to me, I have been a part of that family and I have been genuinely loved. My father-in-law opened his arms and said "Welcome to the family!" and told me how glad he was to have another daughter. And that is always how I have been treated.

Both of DH's parents love me because I love and take care of their precious son. I have been adopted into this family as well. Their ability to love and perfectly parent two nonbiological children, and now me, is a testament to why biology doesn't make a good parent. They are how I know that adoption can work. I hope that DH and I can be even half the parents they are.

Keep breathing

and no thinking, that is becoming my mantra. Just zone out and don't think about it. If you don't think about it, it can't hurt, right? Then, why won't the pit in my stomach go away? And not even a pumpkin spice latte does much to tide the PMSy tears that threaten to overflow.

We are going to an adoption agency information meeting next Tuesday. I think DH thinks that if I learn more about the process, I'll feel better about it. If that's what he's thinking, he is barking up the wrong tree. I am on information overload already.

He often tells me how beautiful my eyes are and doesn't realize why that makes me sad, how much I want to see my eyes in my baby's face.

Just rambling today. And trying to hold it together at work.

As anticipated

negative blood results. But off the progesterone.

Looks like I wait for my period and rinse and repeat. What worries me is that the nurse informed me that if the numbers are as bad this next cycle, the RE wants to do a consult. I don't think DH is ready for what the RE is going to tell us.

For the locals

From Midwest Resolve

COME TALK WITH LEGISLATORS...
Legislative Forum on Infertility and Insurance Coverage

Please come and lend support, listen to legislators, ask questions and
share information regarding insurance coverage and infertility.

Three separate panel discussions with legislators to talk about the issues of expanded insurance coverage for infertility will be held at:

October 10, 2007 7:00pm-8:30pm
Minnetonka Community Center
14600 Minnetonka Blvd.
Minnetonka, MN 55345

October 16th 7:00pm-8:30pm
Roseville Civic Center
2660 Civic Center Dr.
Roseville, MN 55113

October 24, 2007 7:00pm-8:30pm
Kelly Inn St. Paul
161 St. Anthony Avenue
St. Paul, MN 55103

Infertility is a medically recognized disease that affects men and women equally. It is defined as the inability to conceive or retain a pregnancy during a one-year period (6 months for a woman 35 years of age or older). According to the CDC, 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age are affected by infertility. When treated correctly, infertility has one of the highest rates of success of any disease - more than 80% of couples who complete treatment will succeed in having a biological child. Often patients select treatment based on what is covered by their insurance plan rather than what is most appropriate, forcing many people to have less effective but covered treatments such as surgeries for blocked fallopian tubes or endometriosis rather than pursuing in-vitro (IVF) fertilization, a non covered service, even though the cost is about the same and IVF is statistically more likely to result in a successful pregnancy. States with insurance coverage for infertility report a decrease in health care costs. Incidences of high order multiple births is decreased. Healthier pregnancies and babies are the result. Currently 15 states have infertility coverage as a required benefit within their policies. We would like to make Minnesota the 16th state that requires this beneficial coverage included in health care plans.

d. None of the above

DH and I had "the conversation" again. We have got to get off the merry-go-round of talking about it, I know, because I am driving him nuts. Essentially, we discuss what I have termed "the trilemma" of where to go from here if the IUIs don't work. As DH regularly reminds me, we have three choices- remain childless; do ivf; or adopt. His preference is for adoption, but he is willing to let me decide.

Remaining childless is not an option for me, so I wish he would stop even bringing it up. I can't seem to properly explain to him how conflicted I am about the other two choices. I go over the pros and cons of both in my head constantly. The biggest benefit of ivf is the possibility of biological children. But I am having a hard time getting past the expense (especially with no guarantee of success) and some of the moral issues I have with freezing embryos. As far as adoption, the benefit is that a baby is guaranteed at the end of the process. But the process itself is so long and stressful, I am really struggling with the open adoption concept, and I am so deeply saddened at the idea of the loss of all those expectations and dreams associated with biological children.

I want another choice. But there isn't one.

Meltdown- I am just going to blame the hormones

I can be quite emotional and often temperamental, yet I am not a public crier. I have always hated that and view it as a weakness. I am a "never let them see you sweat" kind of girl. This characteristic works well in courtoom. I rarely even cry at funerals. I am the one who keeps it together and gives the eulogy and makes sure everyone knows how to get to the luncheon.

But apparently I can reach a breaking point. One that is beyond just a little tear or some sniffles, but a near-hyperventilating ugly sobbing. In fact, when I cried in this manner coming down the aisle at my wedding, there was more than an audible gasp and several long-timed friends remarked afterward that they were surprised to see me cry (and certainly in that manner), including my new husband. He assumed my parents had said something mean to me (not an unlikely possibility). Rather, when they opened the doors to that church, I wanted nothing more than to just sit down. Not because I was hesitant, but becaue I was completely and totally overwhelmed by emotion. It all just bubbled up to where I couldn't get a grasp on it and all control was lost. I cannot even put words to the emotion that I experienced other than to call it raw and fundamental. I had never before and have never since had such an experience.

Well, that ended today. I was at small women's group at church, which I try to attend on Friday mornings. I am luck enough to be able to have a flexible schedule for about half of the year where I can either take off Friday or at least the mornings. This group is usually six to eight of us and all the other women are twice my age or more. I get so much wisdom from these older women. I often feel as if they are teaching me the things my mother should have, especially about God. A few know of our infertility, but I haven't discussed it much other than some vague allusions.

Today, we were discussing being honest with God in prayer. I was actually having a fairly good "infertile" day. I wasn't feeling down or even discouraged, just wanting this cycle to get over and happy that I didn't have to race off to the RE on a Friday morning for the first time in a month. I openly volunteered that this has been a time of faith crisis for me when I often feel that God is not answering my prayers and that I could understand the despair of Jeremiah when he alternatively complains and praises God.

And then out of nowhere, I lost it. I felt completely blind-sided by this overwhelming gulf of indescribable emotion and was more or less incapable of speech. Just wrenching sobs. And I was so dreadfully embarassed. I have led this group on occasion and here I was a big mess of indecipherable bawling. I was finally able to get some control over myself. Of course, they were all so lovely about it and comforting and I had to "come clean" and explain more of where we are. Thankfully, not one of them told me even a single "fertile" platitude. No one offered advice, they just told me this was a safe place and it was ok to cry.

I don't know where this emotional tidal wave comes from. I just know I want to avoid that beach.

Sick of the flowers

Why do they put little purple flowers on pantiliners? If one has to wear a pantiliner, one is not likely to be in the mood to be thinking about flowers. Especially if one is wearing it because of the drippiness of progesterone suppositories.

I want my vagina back.

Infertility's Common Thread!

Thanks so very, very much to dmarie, I received my own pomegranate-colored bracelet. I can't wait to wear it and promote awareness. Learn about the history of the common thread here.

Happiness Challenge- mostly a success

As I described here, the Happiness Challenge worked for most of the month- much to my surprise.

I have to admit that the final week of the month, I just couldn't get it together. I was supposed to be at the RE's four times last week although it ended up being only three due to the cancelled second insemination. I was jsut too spent to care about being happy, I wanted to just get through.

Tell Me You Love Me Episode 4

It is starting to become a little clearer now. The episode starts off with Carolyn buying an hpt at a drug store and then using their bathroom to poas. When she sees the inevitable negative, she loses it and tears the paper towel dispenser off the wall. She goes to the construction site where Palek is working and he is unable to comfort her, esp because he is rather distracted by work labor situations.

She later reveals to Palek that she had been pregnant before and had an abortion. He responds that that is why she thought it had to be him because she had been pregnant before. He completely missed the grief she is experiencing and the guilt associated with the abortion.

I understood what she was feeling that maybe that was her one chance and now it is gone. Although I have never had an abortion, in February 2006, I missed a period for the first time in my life. I was scheduled to start a new job after having been out of work for nine months. I was afraid to be pregnant even though we had planned to go off birth control in less than six months. I just couldn't start a new job pregnant, knowing I wouldn't be FMLA eligible and so many other things. And I prayed really hard not to be pregnant. It turned out, of course, that I wasn't pregnant and it was merely a result of my new birth control pills. But how often in the last year I have wondered if somehow I am being denied because I didn't want what perhaps was being offered.

This is the first episode that DH has watched with me. He made an interesting comment about how Palek never says the right thing to Carolyn and how he feels that he can never say the right thing to me either. And the hard thing is I don't even know what the "right" thing is to say to me.

Downhill slide

Today's IUI was cancelled. The white blood cells were too numerous to remove or to put in my uterus. And the count was so low it wasn't worth it anyway.

On an ironic note, I decided to take a pg test because I figured with the trigger it might be the only time that I would ever see two lines. It was faulty, the dye was just one big blue across the damn thing. You have to laugh.

Sigh

Not even one million. Only 900,000.

I feel defeated.

The Others

I often wonder about the other women in the RE's office. Why they are there, what diagnosis they are dealing with, how old they are, how long they have been struggling with infertility. Do they have regrets about what they've chosen to do with treatments or waiting too long to start a family. Are their husbands supportive or do they even have husbands. And on and on my mind goes, wondering, always questions, never answers.

On the blogosphere, we can all be so supportive; however, in real life, it's a different story. It is so awkward sitting there because no one, least of all me, wants to make eye contact. For reasons I don't quite understand, the shame pervades that lovely decorated room with the upscale dark cherry wood furniture and makes one stare out the windows at the picturesque fountain. Although our eyes are downcast, the fear and the pain and the tiredness is etched on each face.

Today was like every other time I have been in the office and some other woman was waiting. We looked at everything but each other. Today, she looked young, younger than me; and our eyes didn't meet, but I wondered about her. And then the patient coordinator came out and handed her an information booklet. A booklet about the donor eggs program. And I wondered does she need donor eggs or is she considering being a donor as a way to finance her ivf? Did it hurt her to have me see that booklet? I can't even imagine having to make the decisions that come with either of those options. How truly terrifying to be in her position.

There is something deep inside me that wants to reach out to these women. I want to know their stories. I want us all to be able to look at each and somehow recognize we are NOT freaks. I want to lend support to these others who know at least some of my pain. But I am afraid. And I am not sure why.

Follicle update and denial

Back from u/s #4 for this cycle (in case anyone was counting). The follicles have grown- right is 16 and left is 20 and a 14. The 16 and 20 are definitely mature enough and the trigger may mature the 14 enough too. Lining is a perfect 10! (that's about the only thing 10 about me.) So, trigger tonight and insems tomorrow and Friday. Now, we just have to pray for lots of motile sperm. Beta on 10/10.

My pregnant coworker (who started trying after us) called me to say she is in the hospital in labor. Her due date was last Friday. I am trying really hard not to think about the fact that tomorrow she will be holding a baby and I get to have a catheter.

I'm surprised it's not more

Your Mind is 65% Cluttered

Your mind is quite cluttered. And like most clutter, it's a bunch of crap you don't need. Try writing down your worst problems and fears. And then put them out of your mind for a while.

How Cluttered is Your Mind?

Disappointing follicle scan

I was really hoping to trigger tonight or tomorrow and be done with these horrible estrace tablets (inserted vaginally and resulting in gritty residue-ugh). But apparently, my lining and follicles are not yet onboard.

I am tired of this cycle already and it's only day 11. I had an u/s and bloods this morning and have to go back in for another u/s on Wednesday. I also had to order a refill of the Gonal-F and do another injection tomorrow night. Follicles are currently right side: 15x14; left: 16x15 and 12x10 and my lining is only a 6. So, maybe insems by the end of the week. I know all the monitoring is good, but it's exhausting and quite a pain scheduling-wise.

Tell Me You Love Me, Episode 3

Apparently, it's not going to be male factor infertility for Palek and Carolyn. Kristen over at the Sticky Bean has a great synposis.

First Follicle scan

So, it was dildocam day this morning. One cool thing is that while the NP is looking around, I get to write the measurements down on the clipboard. Helps take my mind off have the probe up the wazoo.

I will start my first round of injects tonight and do another one on Sunday. I am already feeling like a pincushion from the awful phlebomotist who couldn't get a good stick. She finally drew blood from the top of my hand for my estradiol level. I also have to start estrogen supps to help with the lining (this is more just precautionary b/c of the Clomid). I was expecting the typical vaginal suppositories, but no, these are small hard little tablets- the same as what they use for oral, just going up the other direction.

Another dildocam scheduled for Monday. Probably trigger Tuesday depending.
But numbers were as follows:
lining 5b (a minimum of 7b is needed by trigger); right side one follicle at 10 mm and left side two follicles- 10 and 12. Not bad for CD 8.

Happiness Challenge

Thanks to the Happiness Challenge by THE stirrup queen Mel, I committed myself to wearing my fabulous shoes at least weekly. My blog name, you see, has its origins, in part, in my love of thoroughly impractical shoes. One could even say it was my appreciation for good shoes that brought DH and I together. He still remembers the pair I was wearing the night we met. They don't have to be expensive, but it certainly never hurts. I drool over peep-toes and stillettos (the higher the better) and daydream of my Jimmy Choos (DH has been so kind as to buy me two pairs), BCBGs, Steve Maddens, Stuart Weitzmans, and Carlos Santanas in my closet, and long for that ultimate pair of Manolos. I don't, however, often wear the lovely ones I have in my closet. My daily boring life just doesn't seem worth the effort of the impracticality.

In the last few years, my shoe ardor has extended to adorable little baby shoes. I am fine with most baby stuff in stores, but get me around those little tiny baby booties and I am pining for what seems out of my reach. In the event that I ever do get pregnant, I plan to tell DH by giving him a pair of baby shoes (and a pirate book- but that's another story). Hence, my blog title.

Anyhow, on to happiness. I realize that some may question how exactly the wearing of these shoes can make me happy. And to be honest, I wondered myself if it would just be a fun thing to do or would it actually promote some sort of happiness response. This is my third week of pulling my lovely shoes out of their pretty boxes and shodding my feet with something that probably costs more than the rest of my entire outfit combined. And surprisingly, looking down at them does indeed make me happy. As do the many compliments I have received since starting this project. Compliments on my appearance are generally few and far between, but the wearing of the shoes not only improves my footwear, but seems to be affecting my confidence. It's almost as if my little brain is saying, "Well, I may not be pregnant, but damn my shoes are hot! So, watch out!"

So, money may not be able to buy one happiness (and sadly not even a baby sometimes), but it sure can help with shoe acquisition.



P.S.- Today's pair are not that expensive, but certainly impractical. A truly fabulous pair of four-inch red patent leather peep-toes that can be found here for unfortunately a bit less than I paid for them.

Maybe I am crazy and don't know it?

I have been on the Clomid three days now and no noticeable side effects. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because I know so many women have experienced some really terrible side effects. I know some women have described their experiences as feeling like they were going crazy. So, I wonder if I going crazy, but just am unaware?

I thought for sure I would have headaches, at a minimum, since I have a tendency to get hormonal migraines anyway. But so far nothing. Of course, now that I have posted this I will probably get some killer side effects as a jinx. And part of me wonders if the Clomid is actually working in there if I'm not feeling anything. And to swing to the other end of the spectrum, I always worry about too many follicles since this is my first medicated cycle and we have no idea how I'll respond. It seems rather aggressive to have started with 100 mg of Clomid followed by 2 daily vials of injects when we know I ovulate.

GIven my flip-floppy thinking, maybe I am crazy.

Losing My "Virginity"- Clomid-Style

Last night, I took my first 100 mg dose of Clomid. I actually hesitated before I swallowed each of those pills- talk about very bitter pills to swallow. I felt each one go down my throat as if I was swallowing a huge blob of chalk. With those swallows, I had to finally acknowledge to myself that any baby we conceive won't be conceived like "normal people." With those swallows, my hormones are no longer in my control and now my menstrual cycle is at the hands of a doctor and drugs. I will ovulate earlier and more follicles and likely more painfully than ever before. Temps and opks are out the window, I am no longer monitoring my own body. I am not "taking charge of my fertility;" rather, my fertility is taking charge of me. I will be tricking it with meds and injecting it with hormones, watching the response to those hormones through ultrasounds and attempting to get sperm to meet egg via a catheter. In a way I never even considered before, I feel somehow violated. Something has been taken from me.

With this Clomid, I am crossing a threshold that I can never get back. I am one of "those" women. I realize a lot of women take Clomid (although I see this as more than just taking Clomid and as the first step to the injects next week and the IUIs) and it's not that big of a deal. However, in a way I don't truly understand it's a painful reminder of the infertility. I wonder if the fact that my coworker is due this week has anything to do with my feelings. She started trying AFTER we did and now she has a baby and I am taking drugs.

I have to shamefully admit how much resentment I felt for my husband when taking those pills. Why do I have to subject MY body to all of this because his doesn't work? Men whose wives have the infertility diagnosis are only inconvenienced to the tune of masturbating in a cup. Why is medical science such that infertility is a women's issue even when it's not her physical problem?

I am grateful that there is at least this to try, but with the swallowing of those pills, the dream is gone.

Tell Me You Love Me Episode 2- spoiler

Thanks to On Demand (I think we spend more on cable than our other utilities combined), I caught episode two of HBO's "Tell Me You Love Me." Thankfully, the pornographic level was turned down considerably. As far as the infertility storyline, the wife confesses that she had testing done. Apparently, they had previously agreed they weren't ready to take that step. Totally unrealistic that people in their 30's would not want to proceed to testing.

The husband is angry that she has gotten tested without telling him, accuses her or "gathering her ammo." Then, he asks her what they will do if it's him. And she has no answer. How true that is. If it's him, there rarely is an answer other than some form of ARTS. But just when you start to think it really is going to be him, the teaser for the next episode has the wife telling another couple that he had his sperm tested and it's just great.

One interesting scene for the IF couple is the meeting with the therapist. The therapist asks if they tried this month, and the husband replies, "We try every month." I laughed at that one. Ah, the futility of "trying." The husband finally breaks down and admits that sex on demand has more than lost its charm. The therapist also advices them to consider telling people. The wife is adamant that it should be private and that she doesn't want to start getting advice from everyone and her aunt (you have to wonder of the screenwriter knows of Aunt Jane?). The therapist tries to reassure her that she might be surprised at the response of others because other women and their aunts have gone through this too. Obviously, not a therapist who specializes in infertility.

Anyhow, I am curious to see how next week pans out. And happy to know that I can get a sneak preview via On Demand.

Green light

for IUI #1. Started my period this morning and called the clinic at 8:30 (slept in since I had today off). The receptionist said the latest appt she could fit me into was 9:30 and that I needed to come in today b/c they only do baseline u/s during the week. Gulp! I hadn't even showered yet. So, a mad rush to the clinic, breaking a few speed records and freezing with wet hair (it somehow dropped to a high of 50 degrees here on the one day I can't blow dry my hair- typical).

But the good news was my ovaries are cyst-free and looking pretty, so we are set to get on the IUI merry-go-round. I know it may not work, but at least it's not the same damn thing we have been doing unsuccessfully for 15 months.

So, for those interested, my protocol will be as follows: 100 mg Clomid forCD 3- CD7, another u/s on CD 8, 150 U of Gonal-F on CD 9 and possibly also on CD 11. Another u/s around CD 11 and Ovidrel trigger when the follicles are looking good, followed by back-to-back insems. Oh and lovely progesterone supps following insem, can't wait for that.

Results Are In

DH went to his appt and got his first post-Clomid s/a results. He has only been on it two months, so it is still early to test based on the sperm production cycle, but the urologist is big on monitoring. The urologist thinks there is improvement in motility (I don't), but the count did not increase, although the volume did. Additionally, testicle firmness is increasing, which is apparently a sign of better testicle health and sperm production. What concerns me is that this is the first s/a that showed white blood cells, an indicator of infection. A culture was done, but apparently the urologist didn't discuss this with DH.

On a side note, it drives me insane that DH has no knowledge of these things! He doesn't research anything and has no clue about what is normal. He just takes at face value what the doctors tell him. Argh!

I really feel like I am setting myself up for big disappointments with the IUIs, especially because we are dealing with less than five million motile sperm. Why am I going to pump myself full of drugs and go through all of this when the outcome is very likely going to put us in the same position as we are now but only six months older. I guess I feel we have to try because they are paid for by insurance. And DH wants to try it because it increases the chances some, but I really think he is being unrealistic.

Tell Me You Love Me

Thanks to the post at the Sticky Bean, I caught HBO's "Tell Me You Love Me" premiere last night. Although I could certainly have done with out the explicitness of the sex scenes or for that matter the focus on sex in general, I realize as DH's told me, "This is HBO."

Anyhow, the premise of the show is three couples- one in their 20's, one in their 30's and one in their 40's- who all end up with a couples' therapist. The couple in their thirties has been ttc for a year- just reaching an infertility diagnosis, I suppose. In watching the scenes dealing with infertility, I found myself to be more of a critic rather than an emphasizer (in the same way I watch legal shows, knowing that it really doesn't happen that way in most courtrooms). There is no way she would have been going to a fertility clinic on the sly without her husband and the doctor certainly wouldn't have euphemistically referred to a semen analysis as "making a deposit downstairs." But one moment that was particularly poignant and realistic is when the wife tells her husband that they need to have sex because she is ovulating (she can feel it- hee, hee) and he isn't in the mood, so an argument ensues. Been there, done that.

DH thinks that they are setting up for male factor infertility since the wife "checked out" (she really didn't though, an u/s alone isn't enough to diagnose). That would make for a really interesting show since MFI is rarely talked about. We shall see.

Taking out the trash

It seems that even our garbage labels us as the childless ones. Saturday was trash day and I had to leave the house early in the morning. As I drove down our street, I noticed that the receptacles at our house and the few belonging to older (i.e., elderly) couples were the only ones not overflowing and accompanied by numerous diaper boxes.

When DH and I moved to this neighborhood almost two years ago, we picked it because of its family nature. Now, it just grates that this huge house holds only the two us (and the mutts, of course). Most of the other neighbors all know each other because their kids race around together. They are all friendly to us and wave when we drive by, but I don't know any of their names.

We moved in early October 2005 and I recall many parents and children who came by at Halloween during trick-or-treating who asked if we had any kids. This was repeated again in 2006. I can't believe it's two years later and its still just us. How I long to drag out to the curb boxes from the dreaded Babies 'R Us and numerous diaper boxes. I want to belong to the elusive club of the neighborhood.

Out of the closet

so to speak. Today, at a women's group at church, during the prayer requests, I brought up that I am really hoping to start a treatment cycle for infertility and would hopefully know next week. It was so difficult to get out it felt like I was admitting to being a child molester. Still processing this, but will post more soon.

Interesting study

I came across the following abstract. I haven't read the study, but sure would like to.

11561741 JA

Coping with male infertility. Gender differences

Women of infertile couples rated higher on "depressional coping" than their partners. Women with infertility rated lower on "religiousness and search for meaning" than women with other chronic medical problems.

2001 Arch Gynecol Obstet 265;3:131-6

Kowalcek, I., Wihstutz, N., Buhrow, G., and Diedrich, K

Another day, another semen analysis

DH goes in for his semen analysis today to see if the Clomid has had any effect. He won't get the result until his appointment with his urologist next Wednesday. I realized this is his sixth s/a. Poor guy. He never complains about it though (other than that first one with people rattling the bathroom door handle).

I'm not expecting much of a change, but I am secretly hoping for at least 10 million motile sperm. Please . . .

Why

Had a discussion with DH after church yesterday. In place of the usual sermon, two members of the congregation spoke about their faith journey. One of the them explained how it was a "born-again moment" to be at the birth of his children. I almost lost it at that one. (On a side note, I truly wish DH would not insist on sitting so close to the front of church, so I could escape at times like these.) The other speaker commented that even in the midst of her struggle that she knew God was there; He might not take away the pain, but His presence was a comfort. DH asked me if I felt that way about infertility. And I admitted that, for the first time in the fifteen years that I have been a Christian, I don't feel like God is there. I have had bad thigns happen to me and I have always felt able to turn to God, but now I feel veyr much alone. I know intellectually that bad things happen to good people and that a physical ailment is not necessarily a manifestation of sin (cf. the blind man whose parents did not sin but was blind so that God would be glorified) and yet, as I explained to DH, there is part of me that screams inside, "what is wrong with me? Why do I deserve this?" Not that I think anyone "deserves" this struggle.

DH explained to me that he doesn't question why. He doesn't look at having a baby as something that anyone "deserves" least of all, him. He truly doesn't have a preference about how we bring a child into our family- whether through biology or adoption. He doesn't feel that going through the process is something he will miss. And he truly doesn't understand my reluctance or pain about the loss of that opportunity. I finally was able to come up with an analogy that he could understand. It is like a wedding. many women spend their entire lives "planning" their weddings in their heads. They have expectations for what they want it to look like. And eloping to Vegas might get you married, but you won't get a wedding out of it.

Having a baby is similar. I have pictured in my head all of the "moments"- telling DH, seeing baby on ultradounds, decorating baby's room, talking to baby in my womb, having baby showers, going into labor and a rush to the hospital, and that perfect moment of holding my child in my arms. DH thinks that bringing an adopted child into our home for the first time would have a similar feeling and it might. But I want all of those other things too.