This was the discussion DH and I had on the drive to the adoption information meeting. I asked him that if we proceed with adoption, how do I stop "trying" to conceive? His response was we just have sex when we have sex and if some miraculous pregnancy happens, it happens. But even if I hang up my bbt and opks permanently, I know when I am ovulating. How does one step off the rollercoaster of trying and not let that little glimmer of hope sneak in every month? DH told me I needed to get a new hobby. That was pretty much the end of that conversation.
As for the info meeting, it was actually fairly reassuring. Most of the other couples there were interested in international adoption. For their domestic program, they place appx 60 babies a year, they allow 100 families into the program, wait is usually under a year, but the longest waiting couple has been in the book for 2.5 years.* Last year, they had no babies that were "reclaimed" during the legal waiting period and only two the year before. One thing that surprised me was that there is actually very little time between match and placement. Usually, the match is made only in the few weeks before birth and occasionally after birth.
Of course, after the meeting, DH and I had to have another discussion and it always results in the same ending- if trying ivf is that important to me, then he is willing to try it, but his strong preference is for adoption.
*As a total aside, I felt so terribly sad for these people and I don't even know who they are. How terrible they must feel not to be "picked." It's worse than being the last person standing for team picking in junior high.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
God Bless you that you don't have the clomid "swings." it truly would be awful with them, I agree.
Maybe you have to work through that desire to "try" before you adopt? I, obviously, am not qualified to give advice on this, but felt compelled to offer any sort of help I could. I see myself making these critical decisions at some point, and can't help but empathize with you.
Lots of hugs and support. Oh.. and I have a father very similar to yours.
My therapist has told me that if we still want to try, we probably aren't ready for adoption. I am not sure what to think about that - we are still working through it. She said that before we started the adoption process, we should write a letter to the biobaby that we will never have, saying goodbye to it. I found that I am just not ready to do that yet. I think adoption is a wonderful thing, and it might very well be our solution, but I guess I am just not ready to let go of my pregnancy dreams.
I wish you peace as you make these hard decisions.
I don't know how you separate it and stop trying. DH keeps telling me to compartmentalize it all, but I just can't do that.
Sorry I'm no help, just know I'm thinking about ya!
i had an online discussion about this very topic with another woman who is in the process of foster-adopt AND looking to do IVF in the spring. i *used* to think the way katie's therapist said - that we should mourn our loss of a bio baby before moving on. but, for some of us, that may mean NEVER moving on, continuously waiting to "get over it" (yeah, right). for me, i'm not quite sure how one gets over infertility without being a parent.
i think, instead, people need to get to the point where having a child, period, is the most important thing, not how the child comes to them. i think (hope) that when couples adopt and bond with their adopted child(ren), the need to overcome infertility and have a bio child will become moot because the adopted child is YOUR child. the couple may still be infertile, but they are fulfilled because they have the children they so longed for.
i guess what i am trying to say is getting over TTC and IF gradually happens over time and, one day, just happens.
i did a LOT of rambling and meandering here. i truly hope i have made some sense...
I've wondered the same thing. Like if we decided not to keep going.. Even if we just took a break for a few months, I don't know how NOT to try.
Even the last couple of months when we weren't "Allowed" to try post-m/c, I know when I'm ovulating. i've charted too long. And every since the fertility drugs, my left ovary aches from about CD8- ovulation- that's W/O the drugs, even. So, even if we just had sex when we wanted to, I know that in my mind, I'd know we'd had sex around the "right" time & when it got close to period time, I'd wonder/hope.
As for "get a hobby," I think we might be sharing a husband. I often with I had his ability to just set things aside. But it's not my nature.
Anyway, good luck on your decisions.. Whatever it may be, I hope you succeed quickly..
I too have wondered how we aren't supposed to try and it just happens. I don't get it.
I wish you luck in all you decide!
I guess "not trying" means no ovulation tests, etc. Although, like you, my wife has become very aware of her body as a result of trying for 2 years. Like many men, my solution is to "try not to think about it," but I think it would always be in the back of my mind.
Stop ........... Trying .......... Must learn how to do that, I wonder if there is an instructional guide ..I need it
I wish I had some advice for you .. but I will just send happy thoughts your way
Post a Comment