Perceived Losses

The author of "Adopting After Infertility" lists the following six losses perceived to be a consequence of permanent infertility:

1. Control over many aspects of life
2. Individual genetic continuity linking past and future
3. The joint conception of a child with one's life partner
4. The physical satisfactions of pregnancy and birth
5. The emotional gratifications of pregnancy and birth
6. The opportunity to parent

I think each one of these perceived losses is so significant and I hadn't really separated them all out in my head- I was lumping all of them together, so I am going to take an effort over the next few days to discuss my feelings on each, as an exercise in understanding how I prioritize them and why. DH has made it pretty clear that the only loss he really would have a problem with is losing the opportunity to parent, which is something that can be cured by adoption.

CONTROL.
The author details how infertile couples can feel that infertility is the cause for a loss of control in every aspect of their lives. She gives the examples of what type of car depends on whether it will be carrying children, accepting a new job depends on how it will impact insurance or flexibility for treatment, social calendars driven by the menstrual cycle, even how much coffee to drink or what underwear to wear.

I realized yesterday that a treatment cycle even dictates my apparel. I don't want to wear a skirt and hose on days that I have an appointment because it's a hassle to get off and on while a nurse is waiting for one to undress and re-dress. And I prefer to wear shoes that involve socks just because my feet get cold in the stirrups.

And I hate the not being able to plan my schedule. I knew this week would be a myriad of appointments and it made it a real pain to schedule my every day stuff that needed to be done. And that doesn't even take into account timing for injects.

This loss of control has been harder than I would have imagined. The author points out a few pages later that adoption involves an even greater loss of control. My stomach dropped when I read that. I am already at my wit's end and adoption will be even more of the unknown. Truly, how much can I take before I go stark raving mad? And yet, on the other hand, what is the alternative? At least, I am doing something- whether it be injecting and inseminating or filling out adoption paperwork and preparing for a home study. If I was doing nothing, I would feel not only without control, but powerless as well.