Meltdown- I am just going to blame the hormones

I can be quite emotional and often temperamental, yet I am not a public crier. I have always hated that and view it as a weakness. I am a "never let them see you sweat" kind of girl. This characteristic works well in courtoom. I rarely even cry at funerals. I am the one who keeps it together and gives the eulogy and makes sure everyone knows how to get to the luncheon.

But apparently I can reach a breaking point. One that is beyond just a little tear or some sniffles, but a near-hyperventilating ugly sobbing. In fact, when I cried in this manner coming down the aisle at my wedding, there was more than an audible gasp and several long-timed friends remarked afterward that they were surprised to see me cry (and certainly in that manner), including my new husband. He assumed my parents had said something mean to me (not an unlikely possibility). Rather, when they opened the doors to that church, I wanted nothing more than to just sit down. Not because I was hesitant, but becaue I was completely and totally overwhelmed by emotion. It all just bubbled up to where I couldn't get a grasp on it and all control was lost. I cannot even put words to the emotion that I experienced other than to call it raw and fundamental. I had never before and have never since had such an experience.

Well, that ended today. I was at small women's group at church, which I try to attend on Friday mornings. I am luck enough to be able to have a flexible schedule for about half of the year where I can either take off Friday or at least the mornings. This group is usually six to eight of us and all the other women are twice my age or more. I get so much wisdom from these older women. I often feel as if they are teaching me the things my mother should have, especially about God. A few know of our infertility, but I haven't discussed it much other than some vague allusions.

Today, we were discussing being honest with God in prayer. I was actually having a fairly good "infertile" day. I wasn't feeling down or even discouraged, just wanting this cycle to get over and happy that I didn't have to race off to the RE on a Friday morning for the first time in a month. I openly volunteered that this has been a time of faith crisis for me when I often feel that God is not answering my prayers and that I could understand the despair of Jeremiah when he alternatively complains and praises God.

And then out of nowhere, I lost it. I felt completely blind-sided by this overwhelming gulf of indescribable emotion and was more or less incapable of speech. Just wrenching sobs. And I was so dreadfully embarassed. I have led this group on occasion and here I was a big mess of indecipherable bawling. I was finally able to get some control over myself. Of course, they were all so lovely about it and comforting and I had to "come clean" and explain more of where we are. Thankfully, not one of them told me even a single "fertile" platitude. No one offered advice, they just told me this was a safe place and it was ok to cry.

I don't know where this emotional tidal wave comes from. I just know I want to avoid that beach.