Masks

This MPR article on masks got me thinking about the masks I wear. In the article, the artist says:

"For me, it's become clear that we are a series of constantly changing masks," she says. "You know we adopt different ways of being. We adopt clothing, we adopt hairstyles, we adopt tattoos sometime. We all have roles that we play to."

How many times a day do I put on or change my mask? When I pretend to care about my coworker's pregnancy or upcoming shower, I put on my "fake" mask. When I hide the pain of each month's disappintment from my husband, I plaster on my "resigned" mask. When I come across yet another very pregnant woman, I put on my "removed" mask. When a "friend" makes a hurtful remark about infertility, I put on my "anger" mask. When my parents criticize where I live, I put on my "I don't care" mask. I often put on my "extrovert" mask when my true inner self is actually much the introvert.

I'm not sure that I ever go out into the world unmasked.

Tagged

Ahuva Batya at the the anguished corn tagged me for the following meme.

1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.


1. When I am really sick, I crave spaghettios with meatballs. It's my ultimate comfort food since it was one of the few things I could make for myself when I was a kid.
2. I have read Gone With The Wind twelve times, but only seen the whole movie once (the book is infinitely better).
3. My drinks of choice are champagne and vodka (although usually not together).
4. I have the following Maya Angelou quote posted in my office at work "I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it." At home I have posted "Coincidence is when God works a miracle and decided to remain anonymous."
5. I love to bake and cheesecakes are my specialty. Am hoping to take a cake-decorating class this summer.
6. I have black suits in my closet in nine different sizes. That's what happens when one is constantly on the weight loss roller coaster.


To share the love, I have tagged kaaron, gumby, and trish (who needs something to do since she's not sleeping.

Hope and Suffering

I don't often write about my faith issues, but wanted to share some of the following as it struck me as especially related to the infertility journey. I apologize in advance for the length of my post.

I am currently reading A Long Obedience In The Same Direction: Discipleship in an Instant Society. The author is Eugene H. Peterson, who might be recognized by those in Christian circles as the translator of The Message Bible. The book looks specifically at the Psalms of Ascent that were likely sung by the Israelites as they made their pilgrimages to Jerusalem. Each chapter discusses a different topic of discipleship as expressed by a specific Psalm.

Chapter 12 of the book is entitled "Hope" and examines Psalm 130, which reads:

Help, GOD-the bottom has fallen out of my life!
Master, hear my cry for help!
Listen hard! Open your ears!
Listen to my cries for mercy.
If you, GOD, kept records on wrongdoings,
who would stand a chance?
As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit,
and that's why you're worshiped.
I pray to GOD- my life a prayer-
and wait for what He'll say and do.
My life's on the line before God, my Lord,
waiting and watching till morning,
waiting and watching till morning.
Oh Israel, wait and watch for GOD-
with GOD's arrival comes love,
with GOD's arrival comes generous redemption.
No doubt about it- He'll redeem Israel,
buy back Israel from captivity to sin.

Although not intended for the infertile, these words echo the cries and the tears shed by the infertile, like me, who just don't understand how this struggle fits with God's plan. And I remain "waiting and watching" until a morning I can no longer even imagine any more.

The chapter also starts off with the following quote on hope from Thornton Wilder:

Hope is a projection of the imagination; so is despair. Despair all too readily embraces the ills it foresees; hope is an energy and arouses the mind to explore every possibility to combat them . . . In response to hope the imagination is aroused to picture every possible issue, to try every door, to fit together even the most heterogeneous pieces in the puzzle. After the solution has been found it is difficult to recall the steps taken-so many of them are just below the level of consciousness.

Oh, how these words plucked the strings of my understanding. The inexplicable rising of hope in the infertile- the hope that raises its head even under the most impossible of circumstances. The hope that makes us want to try anything, to never give up the quest despite how tired and depleted it leaves us. The author describes hope, later in the chapter, in this way:

Hoping does not mean doing nothing. It is not fatalistic resignation. It means going about our assigned tasks, confident that God will provide the meaning and the conclusions. It is not compelled to work away at keeping up appearances with a bogus spirituality. It is the opposite of desperate and panicky manipulations, of scurrying and worrying. . . . And hoping is not dreaming. It is not spinning an illusion or fantasy to protect us from our boredom or our pain. . . .It is imagination put in the harness of faith.

This description of hope inspires me to not dwell in the land of the hopeless infertile. I can be hopeful. Being hopeful doesn't have to mean being unrealistic; being hopeful doesn't mean having to be repeatedly dashed by yet another unsuccessful cycle; being hopeful doesn't mean not seeking medical assistance; being hopeful doesn't mean worrying and scurrying; and, being hopeful doesn't mean not imagining a future that includes a child.

The chapter raises a tangential point that made bells go off in my head. It finally explained all of the "advice" given to the infertile. The author details how our culture has rejected suffering. He explains it so much better than I can:

[I]t is difficult to find anyone in our culture who will respect us when we suffer. We live in a time when everyone's goal is to be perpetually healthy and constantly happy. If any one of us fails to live up to the standards that are advertised as normative, we are labeled as a problem to be solved, and a host of well-intentioned people rush to try out various cures on us. Or we are looked on as an enigma to be unraveled, in which case we are subjected to endless discussions, our lives examined by researchers zealous for the clue that will account for our lack of health or happiness. Ivan Illich, in an interview, said: "You know, there is an American myth that denies suffering and the sense of pain. It acts as if they should not be, and hence it devalues the experience of suffering. But this myth denies our encounter with reality."

Is this not the experience of the infertile who repeatedly hears all of the "relax" and "it will happen" comments or the "have you tried this or that?" Why do these comments hurt? Because the intent of such responses is to deny the infertile's suffering. Our experience is not the the normative and must be either denied or justified away.

When we suffer we attract counselors as money attracts thieves. Everybody has an idea of what we did wrong to get ourselves into such trouble and a prescription for what we can do to get out of it. We are flooded first with sympathy and then with advice, and when we don't come around quickly we are abandoned as a hopeless case.

Does that not mirror how our society treats us the infertile? We are pushed to the outside either by our own need to retreat from the pain of our reality or simply by our failure to belong to the normative fertile world.

Psalm 130 "does not exhort us to put up with suffering; it does not explain it or explain it away." This is what the infertile is seeking. It is a "powerful demonstration that our place in the depths [of our suffering] is not out of bounds from God." And that is where hope comes back in.

The chapter ends with a a reminder from a George MacDonald novel: "those who work well in the depths more easily understand the heights, for indeed in their true nature they are one and the same." I have dwelled in the depths and it has prepared me for the heights. Meanwhile, I am watching and waiting. With hope.

Men Have Feelings Too and Relationships Under Fire: Unsung Lullabies, Chapter 6-7

Men Have Feelings Too: Chapter 6

Finally, the authors are getting into territory that I wish more infertility books would address-the effect of infertility on men. For that matter, I would be over the moon if there was a book on male infertility alone. The few that exists are either out-of-date or not really helpful. Even this chapter seems so basic in comparison to the more in-depth chapters that have preceded it.

The first part of the chapter discusses men's reproductive stories and if I had to wager a guess I would bet that DH falls into the category of wanting children some day, but not really wanting to think about it much in the here and now.

DH doesn't often discuss his infertility, but occasionally he makes self-deprecating remarks that hit me to the core about being "broken" and the like. It's times like those when I wish it was me who had the diagnosis. But for most of this infertility journey, he seems so much less bothered by the things that are so hurtful to me.

The authors describe one man who is "fed up with it all" and "tired of her tears because there is nothing I can do to stop them." DH has often expressed similar feelings- he hates to see me cry and feels powerless to make this situation better.

Ultimately, I was disappointed in the short shrift that this chapter gave to the male part of this relationship. And the authors' lumping in vasectomy reversal in this category did nothing more than annoy me.

Relationships on Fire: Chapter 7

The authors detail how differing coping styles can come to a crucial head when a relationship is dealt the blow of infertility. The example of one couple where he wanted to "fix" the infertility and when he couldn't he chose to switch the topic in contrast to his wife's desire to talk it out and be reassured aptly describes how my husband and I have reacted. The authors suggest that the way to resolve the differences in coping styles is for each spouse to accept that their partner's response is reasonable and to empathize with his individual approach. Although I can understand why logically this might work, I don't know that it can actually make one feel better.

"Relationships crack along existing fault lines when something as earthshaking as infertility hits." This statement perfectly defines the effect of infertility on a relationship. The topics we fought over before infertility, we still fight over but with an added twist. The authors recommend remembering that infertility is only a chapter in the story of a couple's life together. I imagine when we're 80 that this will seem just another bump in the road.


To read some additional thoughts on these chapters, check out
Fertility Challenged in Florida.

What Part of "No" Do I Not Understand?

When do you think we should have the baby shower?

Will you get the card for everyone to sign for the baby shower?

Will you find out where she's registered?

Will you bring punch for the baby shower?

Will you help set up for the baby shower?


Ugh. No. Two letters, one syllable. Why can't I get it out?

If Everyone Else Can Do This, Why Can't I: Unsung Lullabies, Chapter 5

"The myth that getting pregnant is effortless is so deeply embedded in our collective culture that it comes as an enormous blow when it is not easy."

The authors hit the nail on the head with this one- how come we never knew about infertility until it hit us? I knew people that had "trouble getting pregnant" or recurrent losses, but I certainly didn't know anyone "infertile." Why is infertility this well-kept secret that our society wants kept under wraps?

One client ponders, "What's the point of getting married if you can't have kids?" I have asked myself this question as well. I love my husband a lot, but, in all honesty, choosing to get married was because I wanted more than just a spouse. I wanted a family- complete with babies. If we were going to remain childless that is certainly something we could have done unmarried. I feel cheated.

The authors discuss the career difficulties associated with infertility. I feel the pressure of this particular problem because I feel attached to my current job for several reasons- I need the security of my insurance; the flexibility during most of the year to go to the myriad of appointments necessary to cycle; and, if nothing else, should I ever get pregnant, my job is very family-friendly and I have a lot of accrued time for maternity leave.

This chapter presents the concept of infertility inflicting a narcissistic injury, defined as "a feeling of damage to your sense of yourself as a whole person." The authors suggest that the solution to healing the wound is the ability to emotionally compartmentalize infertility. The authors advise that infertility must be viewed as a part of the physical body that is not working correctly. How that helps in a situation where one's partner is the infertile half of the couple I am not sure that I understand. And I just don't know that I can compartmentalize infertility. I just don't even know where to begin.

Check out some other great thoughts on this chapter here.

Potentially controversial thoughts about what IS male infertility

As a forewarning, as this is my blog, I will feel free to share my opinions, even should some find them offensive or divisive.

This thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion but it was recently brought to my forefront again when I stumbled across another blog. I do not consider those who are dealing with a vasectomy reversal to fall into the male infertility category. Although I am sure that there is a lot of pain, heartache, and cost involved for those who are dealing with a vasectomy reversal, I strongly resist the attempt to lump those who have voluntarily chosen to sterilize themselves, and for whatever reason have changed their minds, in the same category as those who have been blindsided by male infertility. They simply do not equate. I don't choose to play in the pain Olympics (to borrow a phrase), but it's simply not the same and it's not infertility.

Someone who has CHOSEN not to have children (or subsequent children as the case may be) does so willingly and with the knowledge of the rate of failure for a reversal procedure as well as the impact on future fertility. And so does any woman who chooses to marry someone who has made that choice. That is not the same as the man who has no hint of his lack of fertility or his likewise unknowing partner, both of whom have no CHOICE in the matter.

One of the losses of infertility often discussed is the loss of control. A vasectomy is the ultimate assertion of control over fertility- the voluntary ending of it. Even if one later regrets that decision, it was still a decision that the fertile man made. The truly infertile man never gets the chance to assert any control over his fertility or lack thereof and as such suffers that loss.

Meet up

I've been a bad blogger of late. I am feeling a little snowed under (pun intended). Also, I fear I am never going to warm up again. So, if the blog is silent, just assume my fingers have frozen and fallen off.

I did want to take the opportunity to mention that last week, I had the wonderful pleasure of meeting IRL the wonderful wordgirl and gumby. It was almost strange that within minutes of meeting, three women could be throwing around terms like "ovulation" and "semen analysis" and discussing our husband's reactions to our infertility struggle.

I am hoping this is only the beginning of a growing group from the Twin Cities.

For the locals*

From Midwest Resolve

Advocacy Day for The Family Building Act of Minnesota

Over the last year, a small, but passionate group of volunteers have been meeting to draft a bill, entitled The Family Building Act of Minnesota, which will be presented to the Minnesota legislature. This bill would call for expanded benefit coverage for infertility treatments. We need your help to raise the public’s awareness of the disease of infertility. In particular, we need to make sure our decision makers in the Minnesota legislature understand what the issue is and why they need to lend their support to this bill. Together we can make a difference, but we need your help! There are two upcoming events where we need your attendance and help:

Volunteer Information Session
When: Saturday, February 16, 2008
Time: 9:00AM-10:30AM
Where: JRA Financial
7373 Kirkwood Court N., Maple Grove, MN 55369
Note: please enter on backside of building

What: We will summarize the proposed bill(s), the process of making a bill into law and where we currently stand in the process. In addition we will cover tips for talking with legislators and how you can help.



Advocacy Day at the Minnesota State Capitol
When: Thursday, February 28, 2008
Time: 8:00AM 4:00PM
What: This event involves meeting with several legislators to share our stories and educate them on the facts of infertility and why it’s
important for them to support new legislation.
Who: Everyone is welcome to join us for all or part of the day.
Cost: FREE (except for parking and/or lunch)

Schedule:

8:00AM: Steps of the Capitol to greet legislators and carry signs
9:00AM: Best Western - Kelly Inn, 161 St. Anthony Ave. #A, St. Paul, for an information session, then head to the Minnesota State Capitol together.

10:00AM: Appointments with legislators begin
12:00PM : Lunch in the cafeteria
12:45-4:00PM: Appointments for the remainder of the day

In addition to your attendance at the events mentioned above, there are other ways to help...

You can contact your state representative and schedule a meeting to discuss this issue.
You can send a letter to your state representative asking for their support of this bill. To locate your state representative, visit http://geo.commissions.leg.state.mn.us/districts/start.html.
Thank you for your time and consideration. This is our chance to make a difference for those suffering from the disease of infertility in the state of Minnesota.

Questions? Please contact Daonna Depoister by email at dadepoister at yahoo or by phone 763-559-1890.




*Some of whom I got to meet last week and need to blog about that experience.

Losing It

The Losses of Infertility- Unsung Lullabies, Chapter Three

In this chapter, the authors describe the experience of infertility as a puzzle with too many missing pieces that leaves us feeling "vulnerable and scattered, wounded, depleted, and confused, like we're running on empty." This is often how I feel- I am just exhausted by having to deal with infertility on a daily basis. And it truly is a daily assault- there is always something that makes me feel "different" than the fertile world.

The authors detail six primary losses of infertility: loss of experience of pregnancy and birth; loss of a sense of belonging; loss of being in control; loss of feeling healthy and normal; loss of feeling competent; and, loss of sexual intimacy, identity, and privacy. The loss of experiencing pregnancy and birth revolves around the loss of one's reproductive story- parenthood does not come in the form and manner which meets our long-held expectations, hopes, and dreams. It's not so much the actual pregnancy experience, but all of the associations that go along with it- the showers, the announcement to family, etc. Reading the blogs of the women who are pregnant following infertility or loss, I can see how even though they have achieved pregnancy that they are robbed of truly experiencing the wonders of it.

The loss of belonging is a big issue for me. We are literally the only married couple at church who do not have children and every time I turn around another one is pregnant again. I sense their inability to talk to me or the unspoken "if you had children, you would understand." I feel disassociated from my peer group.

The point that resonated with me from this chapter was, "When you take on the identity of infertility patient, you are forced to define yourself differently. You no longer feel that you can rely on yourself; you have lost not only your self-esteem, but also the sense of your own competence. You are in pieces rather than whole - as if someone has kicked the table on which your jigsaw puzzle is resting. You become consumed with trying to regain cohesion, so you can recognize yourself again." This is exactly how I feel- as if I am searching for who I used to be before infertility began to define me.



How Can I Be An Adult If I Don't Become A Parent- Chapter Four

This chapter dealt with issues that I haven't experienced. I don't feel that the dynamic between my parents is such that they view me as a child. I have related to my parents as equals for much of my life. And as far as autonomy goes, I threw down that gauntlet pretty strongly when I decided to move upon getting married to a location of which they disapprove and made clear they would never visit.

Move on to read another perspective of these chapters here.

No free babies!

Yes, I resent all free babies. All babies who were not obtained after having to pay for some form of medical assistance are "free" and difficult for me not to resent.

ETA- I think I should expand my definition to also include babies who are a product of lots of time and effort to conceive as well. As hoping4baby points out in her comment, that is certainly a cost.

Last week, we had a nutrition class, which was led by a (rather) young and (too) thin woman who mentioned that she was just back from maternity leave and was back on the plan to lose her "baby weight." [As an aside, I am not sure where this "weight" was because a stiff wind could have blown her over, but that's another vent session.] When we were driving home, I mentioned to DH that I would prefer to avoid her in future as I didn't need to hear this skinny little girl talk about her baby or how hard it was for her to lose the two ounces she must have gained with pregnancy. DH asked me if I ever do get pregnant, wwould I still resent other women who had babies or pregnancies? I answered, unequivocally, "Yes, I do and likely will continue to resent all free babies."

He doesn't understand why the pregnancies of others or the resulting babies bothers me. Just because it's hard for us is no reason in his mind to resent the ease other people experience. He can completely differentiate the two experiences and feels that one does not affect the other. I have tried all of my lawyerly powers of persuasion and analogy to try to give him a metaphor for this phenomenon, all to no avail. I am at my wit's end. And his lack of resentment makes me feel small.

Menstruation

I really hate having my period.
Not just the not being pregnant reminder, but the entire proces of menstruation. I have been suffering through this monthly process for nearly twenty-five years now (yes, menarche when I was nine- such fun). It's more than just the physical symptoms- cramps, bloating, nausea- which I could certainly do without. It defines my mood and my wardrobe and not usually for the better.
I am sure there exists feminist literature that would disclaim my loathing of menstruation and claim it is some subversion by the patriarchy, but, seriously, it just flatly disgusts me.

Blackjack

It appears that my luteal phase is mysteriously shortening since this month and last it was only 12 days. Coupled with a somewhat early ovulation (cycle day 14) this month, I was sort of blindsided by a short cycle of only 26 days.

On to cycle 21 . . .