Yes, I resent all free babies. All babies who were not obtained after having to pay for some form of medical assistance are "free" and difficult for me not to resent.
ETA- I think I should expand my definition to also include babies who are a product of lots of time and effort to conceive as well. As hoping4baby points out in her comment, that is certainly a cost.
Last week, we had a nutrition class, which was led by a (rather) young and (too) thin woman who mentioned that she was just back from maternity leave and was back on the plan to lose her "baby weight." [As an aside, I am not sure where this "weight" was because a stiff wind could have blown her over, but that's another vent session.] When we were driving home, I mentioned to DH that I would prefer to avoid her in future as I didn't need to hear this skinny little girl talk about her baby or how hard it was for her to lose the two ounces she must have gained with pregnancy. DH asked me if I ever do get pregnant, wwould I still resent other women who had babies or pregnancies? I answered, unequivocally, "Yes, I do and likely will continue to resent all free babies."
He doesn't understand why the pregnancies of others or the resulting babies bothers me. Just because it's hard for us is no reason in his mind to resent the ease other people experience. He can completely differentiate the two experiences and feels that one does not affect the other. I have tried all of my lawyerly powers of persuasion and analogy to try to give him a metaphor for this phenomenon, all to no avail. I am at my wit's end. And his lack of resentment makes me feel small.
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11 comments:
I don't blame you one bit. I have been feeling that way too. But not just that they are "free" in terms of cost but also, maybe even more so, in terms of ease and lack of emotions due to failed cycles and losses. It is funny because I seem to have more interest in the baby's of couple who have endured IF/recurring losses at any stage over those, even in my own family, who were conceived with ease or zero trying. Ahh, what I always thought it would feel like to be pleasantly surprised by a pregnancy and be able to do some interest surprising act of notifying my DH and parents.
So don't feel small. The men just don't get it like we do. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we carry the baby for nine months, which carries very different emotions for us as well.
I agree with hoping4baby. Don't feel small. Most men just seem to have a very different infertility experience than we do.
And I completely understand the resentment thing. I get tired of watching women all around me get pregnant with little effort. I become super judgemental of who is deserving of their babies and who isn't (for example, as I write this there's a story on tv about a stuggling kid in Baltimore who is the youngest of 23[!!!!] children - WTF?).
I'm not proud of myself for these feelings, but I think we all experience them. Don't be hard on yourself.
Don't let that make you feel small. It is natural to be resentful when others get what you most desire without even trying.
I think I will always be resentful of going through IF and of most people who didn't have a lick of trouble.
I don't think we actually resent people, but hate the situation and the unfairness.
Eventually having a baby won't erase that.
Ah, I like the term free babies. I think I am going to steal it for my own use. :)
Totally feel this way myself. And like tobacco brunette, I am pretty judgmental myself. But I am not going to beat myself up over it, and neither should you.
My DH doesn't get it either. He just figures our infertility isn't anyone else's problem. Try as I might to remind myself of that, it has yet to get easier.
I definitely have those feelings...and Mook has had a hard time up until recently when his best friend told him he and his wife were expecting--naturally, of course. It seemed to hit him harder b/c it wasnt me telling him about one of my friends...who knows--men's minds work in strange ways!
Just wanted you to know I understand!
I absolutely resent the "oh, we weren't even trying *giggle* and it just happened" mommies. Not the babies, so much, but the parents. And Fate. Maybe that's what I resent. I don't think you should feel small in any way. Men are wired differently, emotionally, there is no doubt about it.
I love the term you just coined!
J
If you're small so am I. I am so angry that I have to pay for something others get for free. Its not even just the cost of the money, its what it costs us emotionally to try to have a baby, while it happens to other people on accident.
Not to mention the constant stream of news reporting parents killing their babies in microwaves, beating their two year old to death and throwing her body outside a moving car, etc. Am I angry? Hell Yeah!!!
I'm angry that women who use drugs during their pregnancy pop those babies out one right after another. I'm angry about all the fetal alcohol syndrome cases, and women who have babies over and over again simply to get an increase in their welfare checks. So many of these losers are fertile myrtles. No justice at all for the loving men and women who would cut off both of their arms if they had the chance to be parents. Unfair!
Sorry, got carried away here.
Just want you to know, I am more than resentful. I'm downright pissed!
Hugs to you.
Free babies SUCK!
I second Cindy's comments, well... and everyone's really.
We get the added benefit of my husband SEEING FIRST HAND these abused and murdered babies though his job at the medical examiner. - and I hear about them every once in a while. Not lately though. I think he must be shielding me from it - but he still sees it. And he sees me struggle with trying to be happy and positive and getting upset at just the mention of someone getting knocked up unexpectedly. This really sucks! And so do people with free babies! ;)
I can't get my husband to understand this feeling either. Very frustrating.
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