Losing It

The Losses of Infertility- Unsung Lullabies, Chapter Three

In this chapter, the authors describe the experience of infertility as a puzzle with too many missing pieces that leaves us feeling "vulnerable and scattered, wounded, depleted, and confused, like we're running on empty." This is often how I feel- I am just exhausted by having to deal with infertility on a daily basis. And it truly is a daily assault- there is always something that makes me feel "different" than the fertile world.

The authors detail six primary losses of infertility: loss of experience of pregnancy and birth; loss of a sense of belonging; loss of being in control; loss of feeling healthy and normal; loss of feeling competent; and, loss of sexual intimacy, identity, and privacy. The loss of experiencing pregnancy and birth revolves around the loss of one's reproductive story- parenthood does not come in the form and manner which meets our long-held expectations, hopes, and dreams. It's not so much the actual pregnancy experience, but all of the associations that go along with it- the showers, the announcement to family, etc. Reading the blogs of the women who are pregnant following infertility or loss, I can see how even though they have achieved pregnancy that they are robbed of truly experiencing the wonders of it.

The loss of belonging is a big issue for me. We are literally the only married couple at church who do not have children and every time I turn around another one is pregnant again. I sense their inability to talk to me or the unspoken "if you had children, you would understand." I feel disassociated from my peer group.

The point that resonated with me from this chapter was, "When you take on the identity of infertility patient, you are forced to define yourself differently. You no longer feel that you can rely on yourself; you have lost not only your self-esteem, but also the sense of your own competence. You are in pieces rather than whole - as if someone has kicked the table on which your jigsaw puzzle is resting. You become consumed with trying to regain cohesion, so you can recognize yourself again." This is exactly how I feel- as if I am searching for who I used to be before infertility began to define me.



How Can I Be An Adult If I Don't Become A Parent- Chapter Four

This chapter dealt with issues that I haven't experienced. I don't feel that the dynamic between my parents is such that they view me as a child. I have related to my parents as equals for much of my life. And as far as autonomy goes, I threw down that gauntlet pretty strongly when I decided to move upon getting married to a location of which they disapprove and made clear they would never visit.

Move on to read another perspective of these chapters here.