Shot for Shot class

Learning how to give injections would make an excellent drinking game. For every shot, one takes a shot.

I wonder how I am going to get through this. I about fell out of my chair when the nurse showed us the needle that one woman has to use for a different protocol. It is about three times longer than the one that I will need. But if my protocol changes, which it could over a few months, who knows what kind of needles I will be dealing with.

Allowing DH to give me injections is certainly going to the ultimate trust game for our marriage. Poor guy. I think this training intimidated him a bit. Made this whole scary process seem more real. He was relieved that he wouldn't have to stick me with the large needle. He said he didn't think he could do it to me. I am worried I might not be able to stick myself with even the small one.

I began reading the book on adoption I bought. That too makes me queasy, so I had to set it aside for a bit.

I hate this infertility thing! For the first time in my life, I feel so damn weak and powerless.

I Would Die For That

Not cinematic excellence or star-quality singing, but the sentiment captures the feeling of infertility perfectly . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

From 0 to 6 and back to 0 in 48 hours

It seems I often run way ahead of myself. I have been worrying since our RE appt that we had very little chance of conceiving and then with the news of the Morrison sextuplets, I became worried I would have high-order multiples! Then, with the news of DH's sample sperm wash, I am back to thinking no baby again. What a rollercoaster this infertility journey is.

DH had his sample sperm wash yesterday. The results were not great. Only 2M motile sperm, the RE requires 1M for insemination. I talked with the nurse and she was really great and still positive, although I wasn't. Surprisingly, the RE actually called me this morning to go over the results, which impressed me that he was calling on a Saturday. DH will call his urologist on Monday to discuss the Clomid (it won't hurt but we aren't expecting much b/c he is not in the class of men for whom it is usually beneficial). We will do the six cycles of IUI although the RE thinks there is less than 10% chance over the six cycles that we would be successful. We are in agreement that we are not going to do IVF. We are going to start exploring adoption since the process does take so long. At this point, our preference is for domestic infant adoption.

It seems to stange to me that this time last year I was taking my last birth control pill and dreaming of the day (in the near future or so I thought at the time) of being pregnant. In fact, I was worried that I would become pregnant too early and my due date would cause a work conflict if it was before May. What little I knew.

Support?

I attended a Resolve support group meeting last night. First off, they meet in a hospital and apparently, it was also birthing class day. Could have done without seeing all the preggos walking around.
I was terribly nervous. I can walk into a courtroom full of attorneys, a panel of appellate court judges, even a federal judge or two with absolute confidence. But make me walk into a room with a group of women I don't know and am more jittery than a teenage boy with a condom on prom night.
Anyhow, there were two couples and about 8-9 other women. It was gratifying to hear some of them verbalize the same feelings I have had. An amazing number of women with unexplained infertility. No one with male fertility issues. Not sure how close the group really is. I guess I had expectations of more people and being closer-knit. But the raw pain that both men and women felt really struck me. And I really did like the facilitator. She is a nurse and psychologist and struggled with infertility for 10 years and chose to adopt.

We went, were seen, and I feel conquered

I thought I would come out of the appointment with the RE feeling more enthused, but instead I had a bit of a meltdown. I bawled myself silly on the way home in the car. I was crying so hard, I really thought I was going to toss my cookies.

We met with the dr and the nurse. I felt like the dr was very clinical and not all that personable, but DH thought that it was appropriate b/c he cannot get invested in patients.

The dr did a vaginal u/s, which I wasn't prepared for. I had asked if there would be any physical exam (just to prepare myself mentally, and was told there wouldn't be). DH got to sit through that, lucky him. I think he got a glimmer of what women go through. And he definitely was blown away by all that I would have to do in order for them to assist us with conception caused by male infertility. Fertility drugss, injections, ultrasounds, catheters, on and on.

So, it all boiled down to we can start IUI as soon as we want and I start a new cycle. The dr doesn't think any other testing is necessary b/c I am ovulating per opk and bbt and my thyroid checked out in January. DH is going to go in for a sample sperm wash to see what sort of counts we are dealing with post-wash. For the first cycle they will put me on a highish dose of Clomid and also an injectable. As far as when we would start the IUIs, that is a matter of scheduling, with all of our upcoming trips, it's difficult to maneuver. We also will need to consult with DH's urologist aboout putting him on Clomid in an attempt to boost the count.

We can't do IVF unless I lose 50 pounds, that was such great news to hear. My weight has been a constant struggle and dealing with trying to conceive and infertility has not helped any attempt at returning to my pre-wedding weight. However, the dr doesn't recommend starting with IVF and we still aren't sold on it anyway. At best, we have a 30% chance of conception over 6 cycles with IUI. DH also wants us to start looking into adoption. As an adopted child, he is a big proponent of adoption, I am not sure I am there yet.

I am feeling rather overwhelmed right now and not particularly hopeful. I don't think the PMS helps.

First RE appointment tomorrow

So, we go in for the first consultation with the reproductive endocrinologist tomorrow. The office warned me that it will be a very long- about two hours- appointment.

I am feeling so anxious and antsy. I fear that the RE will tell us that IUI is not an option for us given DH's low count. And part of me worries that even if we do it, it won't work and then what do we do.

On top of all that, I wonder if I even ovulated this month. My temperatures are so low despite a biphasic pattern, that I am in serious doubt. Are we going to have infertility diagnoses for both of us now?!

Mostly, I just feel alone. DH doesn't want to talk about these things. The few friends I have confided in don't really understand and I am ashamed to tell my mother for fear of her unsupportive response.