Doing a 180?

After meeting with the RE (which predictably boiled down to donor insemination or ivf), DH is gung-ho to do ivf and shared risk, at that. After learning more about how few couples (only about 25%) even have embryos to freeze and that those only have enough for one FET, he is willing to take the risk of frozen. Apparently, in his head, he thought ivf creates dozens of embryos that are in deep freeze. I wish he had told me of this so I could have disabused him of the notion. I did know that dozens of embryos wasn't the case, but I must admit I didn't know how few there really are.

I am still struggling with the frozen thing though. Anyhow, I will continue to ponder. If we did move forward, it wouldn't be until summer of 2008 because (1) the RE won't do the ivf until I lose 50 pounds (well, only 35 now since I have been working on this); (2) my work schedule is crazy from February through May and wouldn't allow for any time off for any purpose; and (3) to give us time to get finances in order.

Can I just add that I really hate that just about everything in my life comes down to my damn weight. Sigh.

A Foot Soldier

I moved two of the blogs in my blogroll to the PG after IF category today and was so very happy to do it. It gives me the sense that someone is winning the war against infertility. And that's how I approach infertility- as an enemy to fight against. And even if I don't win, I want someone to prevail against our common foe.

The weapons of the infertile: the all-too familiar stirrups, the dildocam (of course), superovulatory drugs (bring on the Clomid and the needles), the ever-enlarging speculum, the catheters, the blood tests, the list could go on and on. Oh, don't forget the ubiquitous cup for our male friends. Although we have our outward offensive weapons, our defenses must not be neglected. We put on the armor of ambivalence to buffer against disappointment; we use a shield of sarcasm to assuage the despair that comes from another birthday or anniversary or holiday that passes; and, we helmet ourselves with more and more information that informs us, but still does not solve our infertility.

Battle on, friends!

The Paralysis of Overanalysis

This article at Newsweek on decision-making really struck me.

The premise is that decision-makers who do not engage in severe mental gymnastics actually make better decisions.

Consider the "take the best" heuristic. "Take the best" means that you reason and calculate only as much as you absolutely have to; then you stop and do something else. So, for example, if there are 10 pieces of information that you might weigh in a thorough decision, but one piece of information is clearly more important than the others, then that one piece of information is often enough to make a choice. You don't need the rest; other details just complicate things and waste time.

The distinction between the two types is described this way:

Gigerenzer calls such decision making "satisficing," as in "satisfying" enough to "suffice." Satisficers don't feel the need to know everything, in contrast to "maximizers," who do want to weigh every detail imaginable in making even minor life decisions. Interestingly, studies have found that satisficers are more optimistic about life, have higher self-esteem, and are generally happier than maximizers.

I think I've nailed down the big difference between DH and me. I would be really interested to know what impact gender has on being a satisficer versus a maximizer.

When will baby's first Christmas ever come?

I resigned myself months ago to the fact that not only would I not have a baby this Christmas, I wouldn't be pregnant either. But last night I asked DH if he thought we would have one next year for Christmas or at least in process (whether that be pregnancy or imminent adoption). He, being the eternal optimist, said yes. But I just don't see how we're going to get there.
I am really feeling like we need to get some irons in the fire. I need to have something to hang on to in order to get me through this Christmas.

Friday is our consult with the RE. I figure he is going to inform us that further IUIs are pointless. I am not even sure what to ask him at this appointment. What a waste of his time and our money (thankfully, most of it insurance).

Thanksgiving

As the pie bakes in the oven and the snow falls gently outside, I am so grateful for my wonderful (and still snoring) husband. I truly never thought I could be so lucky to have someone who loves me so much and who fills my heart to overflowing.

Thankful for all of you

This day before Thanksgiving, I give thanks for all of the wonderful women and men who make up the online infertile community. And I emphasize community. Merriam-Webster defines community as a "unified body of individuals." I feel that is exactly what so many of you are- whether it is in the blogosphere or from messageboards. We are not the same, our infertility problems are not the same, and the solutions to our infertility are not the same. Yet, we are unified in our struggle that is infertility. We have the same spirit- the spirit to support, to walk alongside each other, to impart that each of us not alone.

I am so grateful and express my thanks to each and every one of you: for those who have left me an encouraging message, for those who have read what I have written and felt that pang of familiarity, for those who have provided helpful information, for those that have agreed with me and those that have disagreed, for those whose blogs I read faithfully, and those whose blogs I have read only once but been touched by. You all have helped me know I am not crazy, I am not abnormal in what I feel, and I am not the only one.

My Thanksgiving wish for each of you is that this is your last childless holiday.

On the semen front

I got the results back from DH's staining semen analysis. The result do indicate white blood cells and not immature sperm cells. It makes no sense to me why this would be the case after a thirty-day round of antibiotics. Or why these white blood cells started showing up in September for the first time after four analyses that showed none.

Of course, the count was terrible as usual, the motility was worse than it usually is, and for the first time the morph was bad.

I seriously doubt we will be doing another IUI cycle in December.

Canine thanks

Today, I am very grateful for our two misbehaving, but oh so lovable, dogs. I am especially enamored of them after their grooming session yesterday since they now smell soooooo good and are extra soft and fluffy. Both of them are rescue dogs. The first came as a stray who was used to digging in trash cans and the other was the old dog that no one else would take home.

Although both of our mutts leave a little bit to be desired in the well-behaved category, they both are attention seekers who give so much doggie love unconditionally. They don't care if it's one of those days when I look like I've been hit by a truck- you know the ones- sweatpants, dirty hair in a pony tail, feeling fat. They sit silently with me when I cry. They don't judge. They can sense when I'm having a hard day and often just come up and put their little heads on my knee. They are excited by the simple things- a walk, a treat, a little attention. They don't worry, they don't have stress, they feel confident that their needs will be met. Ah, a dog's life. I am grateful that I can share in their little slice of that.

Office Thankfulness

Although I don't always like my job and it is not ideally what I want to be doing career-wise, I am very thankful that I have a job. After getting married and moving, it took me nine months to find any kind of a job, so when things around here get dicey, I remember how it felt to be unemployed.

I am also thankful that my job is flexible eight months of the year and I can take time off without explanation for all the myriad doctor's appointments that IF brings. And I am very thankful that my insurance covers all IF testing and diagnosis and six rounds of IUI. I know how few people have that benefit.

Sunday Thanks

Today, I give thanks for the wonderful older women of my current church and those of my previous churches. They are wise and noble women.

They have taught me that no matter what is going on in my life, there is some one much worse off than me who could use my help. They have shown me the wisdom of praying for someone while beating batter for banana bread or a batch of cookies. They have instructed me in the art of hospitality whether at home or in the church kitchen. They have taught me how to laugh through the tears and pray when there are no answers.

They don't question me about infertility, but make sure I know that they are available to talk. They never ask why I can no longer assist in the nursery. They pray for me. They ensure that I am not ostracized by the fact that I am the only childless woman my age.

They expect great things from me and for me, even when I can't foresee either for myself. They build me up with their quiet spirits. They personify God's love here on earth.

A Week of Thankfulness

In an effort to prepare my heart and spirit for Thanksgiving, I am going to post each day about something for which I am thankful despite infertility.

Tonight, I am thankful that I have a lovely home with lots of space for entertaining. I love that I am able to open my home and share holidays with friends and my wonderful in-laws. I get to bake and cook and create smiles on people's faces. For this one week, I am not going to dwell on the "empty" rooms that await a baby. I will remember all of the special memories that have occurred in all of the other rooms. The day our newlywed selves moved into our first home together. The anniversaries and holidays we have celebrated at the Amish-made cherry wood dining room table that DH insisted be handmade and real wood. Our first "real" furniture that was neither handed down from relatives nor required assembly. The opera posters and the Native American pottery that we have acquired in our travels together. Snuggling on the overstuffed couch with the fireplace roaring on a snowed-in day. For this one week, I will be thankful for our home which is so much more than a house.

Estrogen is my friend

I have decided that estrogen is my friend. I feel the most sane and the least sad about infertility at the beginning of a cycle. It's not a "it's a new cycle, so there is a chance" thing, it's more that I feel as if I am in control and not some hormones. Even on the Clomid and injects, I still feel "clear." Since that is the dominant hormone in the follicular phase of a cycle, I have decided estrogen is my friend. And progesterone is the work of the devil. Post-ovulation, I am just a mess. Then, add those cursed suppositories and I am veering off into depression. Perhaps, this is why I had such a difficult time on birth control pills that were heavily progesterone-laced.

The human body fascinates me.

Bella

DH and I went to see "Bella" this weekend. It has received numerous independent film awards (most notably the People's Choice Award at the Toronto Film Festival). The movie has been touted as a pro-life, pro-adoption movie, so I was curious to see it.

DH didn't care for the film. He thought it was overly sentimental and the symbolism in-your-face blatant. And although I agreed that some of it was over-the-top, it was nice to watch a movie that was just about the story of a few people rather than sidetracked by violence, sex, gore, or sensationalism. I think it gave an accurate potrayal of the feelings a woman goes through when faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I wish that there had been more depth in the movie's examination of what it means to be family. But I think I really liked it most for all of the Spanish speaking. I miss the beauty of that language, which I was accustomed to hearing, but rarely do any more here in the Middle.

For further information about Bella, check out its website.

Not sure why

but I keep having thoughts of adopting a little boy from Russia. I was not very enthused about international adoption, but this thought keeps creeping in to my psyche.

Walk of Hope

Although it's rare, every once and a while my husband surprises me. He saw an advertisement for the Walk of Hope to support Resolve at the RE's office. He was adamant about us participating. He can never get up in the mornings, but he was ready and willing to awaken at 6:30 so we could be at the Mall of America on time. On a Saturday.

It was announced that approximately 350 people were there to walk and almost $60,000 was raised. At one point, I looked at DH and saw a very sad face. As we walked, I asked him about it. He said, "Look at that little boy on his dad's shoulders. I want to do that." He said he hadn't realized how many people would have children. I guess, the Celebrating Families theme didn't quite permeate. But later he told me that he did have hope after seeing all of those people with children that one day we would too.

And he is still wearing his green wristband. He calls it his circle of hope.

The Gush

You know it's coming. Your body has sent out every forewarning possible- bloating, cramps, cravings, fatigue.

First it starts out as simple spotting. Then, you feel that all-too-familar trickle.

And finally, the physiological gates give way. To the fullness of the gush.



ETA= It's ok to giggle. I wrote this with a BIG wink.

Not a big tarot fan, but

with thanks to Kristen

You Are The Hanging Man

You represent the seeking of enlightenment and spiritual clarity. You tend to confuse others, but your oddities seem deeply satisfying. Self sacrifice is easy for you, especially if it makes you a better person in the end. You are the type of person who is very in touch with your soul and inner spirit. Your fortune: Right now is a good time for reflection and meditation. You should stop resisting the problems in your life, and let yourself be vulnerable to them. You may need to sacrifice something important to you to move ahead in your life. Accept your destiny with courage, and learn to let go of what you think you need.

What Tarot Card Are You?

This is a test, only a test

In an attempt to see what it will feel like not to "try," I have put away the thermometer. No temping for me. No opks either. I haven't been temping or opking through IUI cycles because the meds would have just messed with my temps and made me a wreck. But I thought I would resume temping in a "natural" cycle. But I am going to try this as an experiment.
Yes, we'll have sex and yes, I'll try to aim for more or less the right day. But if we miss it, we miss it. Trying to have sex on the right day hasn't worked for the last year and a half, so not sure why it would work this month. I know when I ovulate because of the distinct ovulation pain, so I will still chart to an extent (I do like knowing when to expect my period) and that will be that. I wonder if I can give up that the control-freak side of my nature for a month.

As expected

A negative beta. We are going to take November off to resolve the sperm white blood cell issue (hopefully) and see what the RE has to say on the 30th. At least, I don't have to worry about being hopped up on hormones during Thanksgiving.

Strangely enough, I didn't cry after they called with the result. Maybe the disappointment gets easier? For that matter, I don't even really feel disappointed. Of course, that was the result. It couldn't have been anything else.

Making A Change

In August, I met with our human resources director concerning the differences in sick leave usage policy between fathers and adoptive parents and for women who give birth to babies. Our policy currently notes that pregnant employees who give birth are allowed to use sick time for six weeks or as deemed necessary by a doctor. (This is in addition to disability time if the employee has paid into short term disability.) Conversely, fathers and those who adopt are allowed only ten days. Not only is this inequitable, I think it sets us up for a lawsuit (at least, on gender grounds).

Because of the governmental body I work for, making a change in policy requires literally legislative action and I was not feeling very hopeful that any change would be made, even though it would not cost a penny because employees would only be using sick time they actually accrue.

But today, the human respources director happened to be walking by my office and stopped in to tell me good news. The change in policy has been green-lighted by the management committe and all the way through leadership. The other legislative body has even agreed to it. So, it just has to be approved by the final _____ Commission. I really feel excited that I have made a difference, even if it's not something I ever use. It's the right thing to do.

Take the pledge

Join me in taking Resolve's NIAW Pledge of Resolution, which states:

I recognize the observation of RESOLVE's 18th Annual National Infertility Awareness Week®, 2007.

I understand and endorse RESOLVE's mission of providing support services, education and advocacy on behalf of the 7.3 million Americans diagnosed with infertility.

By signing this NIAW Pledge of Resolution and sending it to RESOLVE, I pledge to...

--Acknowledge I am not alone in my family building journey.
Seek support whether it's online, through a support group or a mental health professional.

--Find empowerment by the learning about the different ways to build a family.

--Take control of my infertility by being an active participant with my medical and mental health caregivers in decisions regarding treatment and other family building options.

--Visit resolve.org often for the latest information and coping techniques.

--Educate friends, family, coworkers others about infertility and its emotional impact as a way to inform them and help them communicate with me.

--Tell family and friends who will be compassionate and supportive about my struggle and give them the opportunity to support me through a difficult time.

--Take action and become a RESOLVE advocate.

By signing this petition I'm letting RESOLVE know that I am committed to pursuing one (or more) of the pledge actions listed above and I acknowledge that RESOLVE is here to support me during my family building journey.

Take it yourself and send to a friend.

Proof

Just a little bit of fun.

Like a ton of bricks

I have a confession to make, I skipped a dose of one of those stupid progesterone suppositories yesterday so that I would hopefully not feel weepy about the adoption info meeting. It apparently worked because I was fairly level-headed and didn't feel emotional about it at all. And for the first time, the idea of international adoption sounded intriguing to me. As if I need to open up another can of worms.

DH, on the other hand, was a royal pain. He kept fidgeting in his chair, sitting up, slouching down, getting up to throw things away, tapping my hand, whispering to me. I wanted to shove him.

After the meeting, we went to dinner and I asked him what he thought. He said he didn't know what to think. Ok, very helpful. After much pointed cross-examination, I finally pulled from him that it had hit him- how long this process is going to take, how much it is going to cost, and how much it will require of us. All of the things I have been saying for, oh, I don't know, months, maybe?

Anyway, I feel like we have a plan of sorts, although it hinges on the results of the special s/a today. If the white blood cells are really immature sperm cells as a result of the Clomid, we will take off at least November from IUIs. Since we will be gone in January, I know we can't cycle then, so we might go ahead and do one in December, depending on what the RE has to say on the 30th at the consult. But if they are really white blood cells, DH wants to go ahead (although I told him not to bother for reproductive purposes) and have further testing involving catheters and rectal probles. Fun, fun.

Meanwhile, in three months, we should know if Bethany will have a local embryo adoption program and if not, we will apply to the one in Tennessee in March after we hit our three year anniversay (program requirement of three years of marriage). So, at least, there is a plan. Even though I feel no closer to actually getting a baby.

Holding on to Teddy Bears

I feel like I am all gloom and doom on this blog (perhaps because it's IF-dedicated and I have another more "all-purpose" one). But the following touched me and made me think how much I wanted to be able to console so many of us who reside in Infertility Land. So, I wanted to share. It's taken from Seasons of Your Heart by Macrina Wiederkehr.

Once upon a time
when days were still fresh
and new,
ordinary
and uncomplicated,
I was a free child
in love with everything . . .

a bee buzzing
the wind in my hair
a branch to hang from
bare feet in the grass
dandelions and fairies
teddy bears.

I don't remember growing up.
It must have happened while I wasn't looking
but it is obvious from my heart
that it has happened
for I am less simple
more complicated
and more cluttered.

I would not choose
to become a child again
but I am looking to children
and searching in them
for a simplicity and ordinariness
that makes being an adult
easier to accept
and miracles easier to see.

Children are not too sophisticated
to wonder
to take off their shoes
to reach out, and up
and all around
for that where miracles are.

The child in me longs
to touch all of the adults I know
with the magic wand of littleness
and perform that great miracle
of enabling them to understand
that it's not too late
to live happily ever after.
The problem is so simple
they could miss it.
Their teddy bears
they've thrown too far
and how desperately they need them.

Virtual Advocacy

Today is Virtual Advocacy Tuesday during this National Infertility Awareness Week. Go here to view Resolve's list of things you can do to support NIAW and specifically check out this to support the Family Building Act of 2007 and to make the federal adoption tax credit permanent. And Mel over at Stirrup Queens is working on a great project of infertility stories. Add yours to the mix.

And if you are wearing your common thread make a point of telling someone its significance. I did- at the voting booth.

Inconsistency and Ignorance

We have friends who are a couple where he is vegan and she is a vegetarian. And although I don't personally agree with their philosophy of not eating animal products, I can respect their convictions. But I about came unglued when the guy who won't eat eggs because it is exploitative of chickens explained that he didn't think embryos were life or potential life. How is that in any way consistent? Good thing DH hustled me out of there pretty fast.

The kicker for ignorance came today when a friend of mine made the comment that "maybe it wasn't God's will" for us to have children. This thoroughly ridiculous statement is so wrong on so many levels (rationally and theologically) that I didn't even know where to start. I was rather proud of my response to her though. I stated rather emphatically that infertility is a disease and would she say that it's God's will that someone had cancer? And then, I told her until she learned a little bit more about infertility or had to go through it, she had best not say such things to those going through it. She tried to tell me that she understood because she physically can't have children (she has had both tubes removed and most of her uterus). But she knew that when she was 23 and is now 40. She has never tried to have children and for that matter never expressed a desire to have them. She doesn't even like the stepdaughter that she has.

Can we tell I am feeling a bit on the angry side this evening? I always do better with a cause to rally around.


Another adoption information meeting tomorrow.

The End Doesn't Justify The Means

Maybe it's because I'm an attorney or maybe it's because I used to be a prosecutor or maybe it's because I have a heightened sense of justice, or maybe it's because of something different altogether. Process is important to me and ultimately, the end never justifies the means, if the means are not acceptable. As much as I have hated it, I have either conceded issues or dismissed cases where I knew the defendant was guilty, but the process was wrong. When the process is jeopardized, a cloud remains over the end result.

This weekend, after a long and tearful discussion involving all of the moral qualms DH and I have with freezing embryos, I asked him, "Why are we considering doing something that we have a such a problem with?" He said he wants me to be happy. I told him, "the end doesn't justify the means." I don't want the conception of our child to be clouded by the greys of moral uncertainty. So, it seems that is decided. Unless something drastic changes, it seems very unlikely that we will ever attempt ivf. And the end result of that is that we probably won't be having biological children.

DH is ready to stop altogether, he thinks any further IUIs are pointless. I am not sure yet on that one, but I'm getting there.

National Infertility Awareness Week

Yesterday was the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. I want to challenge you to take one action to promote infertility awareness. That could be having a discussion with a stranger or shop til you drop to support Resolve. Resolve has a great list of NIAW week activities here. And blog about what action you took. I will have a post about what I did later this week.

Worker Bees

I was watching CSI and about peed my pants laughing when Grisham explains that the worker bees are infertile females. Even in nature do the infertiles have to do all the work.

Smashing Pumpkins

It is the day after Halloween, after all. Perfect for some smashing of the pumpkins.

Think this was written by an infertile? Rage, a rat in a cage, what do I get for my pain, faking it, what is lost can never be saved? Definitely an infertile.

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show?
And what do you want?
I want to change
And what have you got, when you feel the same?

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son, yeah.
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was the only son for you

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a-
Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a-
Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son for you

And I still believe that I cannot be saved