Every infertile's worst nightmare- the deluge of Christmas cards of precocious children or "perfect" families. But what to do when you're on the other side?
Last year, our Christmas card was essentially a birth announcement and I figured it wasn't as bad as some, but this year I have really been pondering "the card." The photo cards I picked are just of the little man (absolutely no need to plaster my ugly mug on something sent around the country) and our Christmas letter is pretty much all baby-focused (I didn't do much all else this year). My Christmas list contains a few real-life infertiles- two of whom have resolved their infertility this year- one by adopting and the other by becoming pregnant. But what to do about the others, send a generic, non-photo card? No letter and write a hand-written note?
And my thoughts in this area got me thinking even more. Not just about how glowing toddler news might affect my infertile friends still in the trenches. But what about the family from church whose seven-year-old nephew died last month? Or the elderly woman whose two-year-old great-grandson was just diagnosed with a brain tumor?
Infertility changed me. I can not just blithely bombard the world with my joy like the fertile world.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Do you see it?
(if anyone is even still reading here, that is)
Do you see it? That little "i" that must be tattooed on my forehead, the one that whispers "infertile." I think it's usually hidden. It's easy to hide behind the mommyspeak regarding bottles, diapers, daycare, feeding schedules, and how my ten-month-old (yes, time is flying) is now taking steps. But I know it's there. I can feel it burn ever so slightly when I see the vast numbers of other mothers at daycare sporting a very pregnant belly. It itched when I learned that I had been lapped again by a coworker and her sister (a most fertile family, apparently). And it started to flash when of the other mothers in our mom's group started talking about when we all were going for number two. That little infertile label raises its head and whispers in my ear, "They don't know, they don't get it, not everyone can just plan a baby- a first or a second. Why can't it be like kindergarten again where everyone gets firsts before seconds can be passed out? Why can't they just be happy with what they have?"
But did you know?- it's not just a "tattoo", it's also a magnet. I don't know if it's attracting me to them or them to me. But it seems that either infertiles are finding me or I am finding them. Given how open I now am about infertility in general and ours in particular (I talk about it with any random Target employee, grocery store clerk, people standing in lines, etc.), it seems that the infertile find me. I must have met half of the patients from the REs in the Twin Cities.
This magnetism came to the forefront last week when picking my son up from daycare. A mother of one of the other little boys (who is actually younger than mine) announced to the teachers (and me, I guess, since I was in the room) that she was unexpectedly 10 weeks pregnant. One of the teachers began the squealing that comes with such announcements- when are you due? how are you feeling? yack, yack. The other turned silently to me and asked if we were planning another. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I don't feel that's something in my control." I answered her quizzical look by explaining, "It took us nearly two years to conceive Zachary and that was unlikely at best. I also had a difficult pregnancy and delivery, so a second child is not something I can really plan." Words just poured out of this woman so fast about how she has been trying for so long and just started seeing an RE and how she didn't know even one person who had any trouble.
I said to her that this must be a very difficult job for her. She brightened and replied that "No one else has recognized that. But sometimes it is very hard and others it is a blessing to get to cuddle some babies." We chatted about different treatments and I left her with the instruction to please feel free to ask me any questions that she had or if she just needed to tell someone.
The little "i" must have been glowing.
And I
Do you see it? That little "i" that must be tattooed on my forehead, the one that whispers "infertile." I think it's usually hidden. It's easy to hide behind the mommyspeak regarding bottles, diapers, daycare, feeding schedules, and how my ten-month-old (yes, time is flying) is now taking steps. But I know it's there. I can feel it burn ever so slightly when I see the vast numbers of other mothers at daycare sporting a very pregnant belly. It itched when I learned that I had been lapped again by a coworker and her sister (a most fertile family, apparently). And it started to flash when of the other mothers in our mom's group started talking about when we all were going for number two. That little infertile label raises its head and whispers in my ear, "They don't know, they don't get it, not everyone can just plan a baby- a first or a second. Why can't it be like kindergarten again where everyone gets firsts before seconds can be passed out? Why can't they just be happy with what they have?"
But did you know?- it's not just a "tattoo", it's also a magnet. I don't know if it's attracting me to them or them to me. But it seems that either infertiles are finding me or I am finding them. Given how open I now am about infertility in general and ours in particular (I talk about it with any random Target employee, grocery store clerk, people standing in lines, etc.), it seems that the infertile find me. I must have met half of the patients from the REs in the Twin Cities.
This magnetism came to the forefront last week when picking my son up from daycare. A mother of one of the other little boys (who is actually younger than mine) announced to the teachers (and me, I guess, since I was in the room) that she was unexpectedly 10 weeks pregnant. One of the teachers began the squealing that comes with such announcements- when are you due? how are you feeling? yack, yack. The other turned silently to me and asked if we were planning another. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I don't feel that's something in my control." I answered her quizzical look by explaining, "It took us nearly two years to conceive Zachary and that was unlikely at best. I also had a difficult pregnancy and delivery, so a second child is not something I can really plan." Words just poured out of this woman so fast about how she has been trying for so long and just started seeing an RE and how she didn't know even one person who had any trouble.
I said to her that this must be a very difficult job for her. She brightened and replied that "No one else has recognized that. But sometimes it is very hard and others it is a blessing to get to cuddle some babies." We chatted about different treatments and I left her with the instruction to please feel free to ask me any questions that she had or if she just needed to tell someone.
The little "i" must have been glowing.
And I
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Navigating the Land of IF
I am finally coming back out of the woodwork, just in time to join in on the discussion of the book written by our very own Stirrup Queen Mel:Navigating the Land of IF.
I must admit I read the book while holding my napping son. I am sure that colors my perspective of the book and I may have had a different take on things if I were still in the trenches, waiting for my baby. I was so excited when the book arrived in the mail from Amazon. One of our own, making good! I don't know what kind of royalties Melissa brings in on each book, but even if it is only pennies, I am so glad that mine could go her way for all that she has done for this community.
Now, on to the questions:
Did you read the whole book, or skip the parts that you feel don’t apply to your situation? For example, if you are not entertaining adoption or living child-free as options right now, did you skip those parts? If you read them, did you discover anything about those options that you hadn’t understood prior to reading the book?
I can proudly say I did read the whole thing. Given that we considered many different options (including adoption and being on the verge of ivf) and are potentially not done with our family-building, I wanted to learn it all. Plus, I am one of those type-As that has difficulty not reading from back to front. I had thorouhgly researched adoption, so can't say that those sections were much of a revelation, but the child-free section did give me a new perspective on that life. it's not a choice I think I was ever willing to make, so Melissa's description of how one gets to that point intrigued me and provided me more understanding.
What part of the Land of IF are you currently residing in, & do you think Melissa paints an accurate picture of the situation there?
I was fortunate enough to get a pass off the island and have my beautiful son, but infertility is still part of my identity. In fact, now that I have the benefit of being a mother, it's a lot easier to "come clean" about our infertility. In fact, I tell every one I get the chance to that this baby wasn't an easy "oops" and that I know just how lucky I am to be in this position. It still stings when people mention how much easier having another will be (as if that is a foregone conclusion). Although my ship has sailed from the land of IF, my heart remains with those still trapped there because I will never forget the pain and the hurt that each day brought when all I wanted was a baby and that likelihood got farther and farther away. I think about those with empty arms every night. And when I pray with my son each night, we mention those who long to be mommies and those children who long to have a family.
Navigating the Land of If covered many different aspects of infertility. What topic do you wish had been added or expanded on?
Although there were different aspects of the emotional part of the journey scattered throughout the book, I wish there had been one consolidated section to discuss the different cycle of feeling (sort of like the cycle of grief) and why it's ok to feel that way. Also, I wish there had been a more thorough discussion of being an infertile based upon a partner's diagnosis and specifically the stigma attached to male infertility.
If you are a reader of Melissa's blog, did you find the book to be a same or different style and why?
There were parts of the book that were classic Stirrup Queen- like the "note" she gives the reader to take with her on those days when a friend is needed. I do believe Melissa would hold each struggling IFer's hand if she only could. But there were other areas of the book that felt as if they were more the result of editing and didn't "sound" like Mel. And although I liked many of the "navigational tips," the flow of text being broken up was often distracting to me.
Kudos to Melissa for all of her hard work on this book and I can only hope she might end up on a book tour here in the Twin Cities, so I could congratulate her in person!
Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list here. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Moose by Stephanie Klein.
I must admit I read the book while holding my napping son. I am sure that colors my perspective of the book and I may have had a different take on things if I were still in the trenches, waiting for my baby. I was so excited when the book arrived in the mail from Amazon. One of our own, making good! I don't know what kind of royalties Melissa brings in on each book, but even if it is only pennies, I am so glad that mine could go her way for all that she has done for this community.
Now, on to the questions:
Did you read the whole book, or skip the parts that you feel don’t apply to your situation? For example, if you are not entertaining adoption or living child-free as options right now, did you skip those parts? If you read them, did you discover anything about those options that you hadn’t understood prior to reading the book?
I can proudly say I did read the whole thing. Given that we considered many different options (including adoption and being on the verge of ivf) and are potentially not done with our family-building, I wanted to learn it all. Plus, I am one of those type-As that has difficulty not reading from back to front. I had thorouhgly researched adoption, so can't say that those sections were much of a revelation, but the child-free section did give me a new perspective on that life. it's not a choice I think I was ever willing to make, so Melissa's description of how one gets to that point intrigued me and provided me more understanding.
What part of the Land of IF are you currently residing in, & do you think Melissa paints an accurate picture of the situation there?
I was fortunate enough to get a pass off the island and have my beautiful son, but infertility is still part of my identity. In fact, now that I have the benefit of being a mother, it's a lot easier to "come clean" about our infertility. In fact, I tell every one I get the chance to that this baby wasn't an easy "oops" and that I know just how lucky I am to be in this position. It still stings when people mention how much easier having another will be (as if that is a foregone conclusion). Although my ship has sailed from the land of IF, my heart remains with those still trapped there because I will never forget the pain and the hurt that each day brought when all I wanted was a baby and that likelihood got farther and farther away. I think about those with empty arms every night. And when I pray with my son each night, we mention those who long to be mommies and those children who long to have a family.
Navigating the Land of If covered many different aspects of infertility. What topic do you wish had been added or expanded on?
Although there were different aspects of the emotional part of the journey scattered throughout the book, I wish there had been one consolidated section to discuss the different cycle of feeling (sort of like the cycle of grief) and why it's ok to feel that way. Also, I wish there had been a more thorough discussion of being an infertile based upon a partner's diagnosis and specifically the stigma attached to male infertility.
If you are a reader of Melissa's blog, did you find the book to be a same or different style and why?
There were parts of the book that were classic Stirrup Queen- like the "note" she gives the reader to take with her on those days when a friend is needed. I do believe Melissa would hold each struggling IFer's hand if she only could. But there were other areas of the book that felt as if they were more the result of editing and didn't "sound" like Mel. And although I liked many of the "navigational tips," the flow of text being broken up was often distracting to me.
Kudos to Melissa for all of her hard work on this book and I can only hope she might end up on a book tour here in the Twin Cities, so I could congratulate her in person!
Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list here. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Moose by Stephanie Klein.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
I couldn't have said it better
I just wanted to share this because of how powerful it is for both those with babies and those who are still waiting. I have my own thoughts on my first Mother's Day but haven't been able to articulate them well yet.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thank you, Baby Story!
The other day while I held my baby as he napped (that is another post to come), I turned on the tv and couldn't find much on other than A Baby Story. I had watched the show a very few times at the very end of my pregnancy as a way to mentally prepare for birth. It's usually just drippy emotionalism and I was usually disappointed because it was typically someone who easily got pregnant and had a breezy pregnancy. But not this time.
The woman featured openly discussed their infertility (both male and female factor) and how she had gotten pregnant with IUI. It was not a circus and there was not a judgmental air about the discussion as has surrounded the octo-mom issues. It was just matter of fact. These were just normal, married people who wanted to have a baby like every body else. The episode ended with the new mother explaining how much this baby meant to her after all they had gone through.
A tear fell down my cheek as I looked down at my own little miracle. Why can't the public talk about infertility in just this way- open and factually? I give credit to the producers of A Baby Story for their portrayal of infertility.
The woman featured openly discussed their infertility (both male and female factor) and how she had gotten pregnant with IUI. It was not a circus and there was not a judgmental air about the discussion as has surrounded the octo-mom issues. It was just matter of fact. These were just normal, married people who wanted to have a baby like every body else. The episode ended with the new mother explaining how much this baby meant to her after all they had gone through.
A tear fell down my cheek as I looked down at my own little miracle. Why can't the public talk about infertility in just this way- open and factually? I give credit to the producers of A Baby Story for their portrayal of infertility.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Train Wreck
Yes, it's been a while. But I find the old infertile in me (I subscribe to the once an infertile, always an infertile theory) still popping up once and a while.* And this has been one of those weeks.
In part because the coworker who began trying a few months after we did and had her baby in September of 2007 is now pregnant with number 2, again after only a few months of trying. I will never understand why it comes so easily for some. And she has the uncanny ability to have her events coincide with mine. The day her baby was born I was going for my first IUI which resulted in me in tears because of the count results. And coworker told me of her pregnancy today as I get ready to go the endocrinologist tomorrow to very likely learn that I am pre-diabetic and possibly insulin resistant and may need to go on metformin. My gestational diabetes didn't just disappear. So, the question of a number 2 is fraught with a lot more problems on my part.
But the infertile in me came to the forefront even more so due to the story that people can't help but talk about- yes, the octuplets and their mother. I confess. I watched it. The Dateline interview, that is. A definite train wreck. It was the story of an infertile gone bad. I could sympathize with her desire to have children and even wanting to use the embryos she had left over and not selectively reducing. But how did she get to the point where she needed to do have these pregnancies in a serial fashion? Her uterus must be made of steel. Not even discussing the issues of finances and how fair this is to any of her children, but what possessed her not to be grateful for the one or even the two or three she had before she got into the level of a litter of children?
I feel so grateful for the one I have that if I never get another, it's ok. I look at my son each night and thank God that I was given this little miracle. Being on the "other side" now, I can say with certainty that infertility IS different when you already have a child, even if you want more. It is not the same and it can never be the same. When did Nadya Suleman lose that perspective?
*And at what point can one be considered secondarily infertile given that there is already a diagnosis? Not that I am trying for number 2 at all right now, but it's something I ponder- when? After six months (given that I am now over 35-sigh)? It's all a semantics game.
In part because the coworker who began trying a few months after we did and had her baby in September of 2007 is now pregnant with number 2, again after only a few months of trying. I will never understand why it comes so easily for some. And she has the uncanny ability to have her events coincide with mine. The day her baby was born I was going for my first IUI which resulted in me in tears because of the count results. And coworker told me of her pregnancy today as I get ready to go the endocrinologist tomorrow to very likely learn that I am pre-diabetic and possibly insulin resistant and may need to go on metformin. My gestational diabetes didn't just disappear. So, the question of a number 2 is fraught with a lot more problems on my part.
But the infertile in me came to the forefront even more so due to the story that people can't help but talk about- yes, the octuplets and their mother. I confess. I watched it. The Dateline interview, that is. A definite train wreck. It was the story of an infertile gone bad. I could sympathize with her desire to have children and even wanting to use the embryos she had left over and not selectively reducing. But how did she get to the point where she needed to do have these pregnancies in a serial fashion? Her uterus must be made of steel. Not even discussing the issues of finances and how fair this is to any of her children, but what possessed her not to be grateful for the one or even the two or three she had before she got into the level of a litter of children?
I feel so grateful for the one I have that if I never get another, it's ok. I look at my son each night and thank God that I was given this little miracle. Being on the "other side" now, I can say with certainty that infertility IS different when you already have a child, even if you want more. It is not the same and it can never be the same. When did Nadya Suleman lose that perspective?
*And at what point can one be considered secondarily infertile given that there is already a diagnosis? Not that I am trying for number 2 at all right now, but it's something I ponder- when? After six months (given that I am now over 35-sigh)? It's all a semantics game.
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