"You Don't Even Look Pregnant"

This was MIL's comment when she first saw me this weekend. Thanks.

I found out another coworker is pregnant. I sort of knew she had been trying and she was one of the reasons I hadn't been overly public at work about being pg. I was trying to be a considerate pregnant inffertile. I had kind of figured she was having a hard time because she is 40. Her husband also travels a lot. Apparently, I had no cause to be concerned. Anyhow, here she is telling everyone and she is 12 weeks and here I am 20 weeks and still somewhat on the down low. And I love how surprised she was that I am pregnant. Thanks again. Way to make a girl with weight issues feel even fatter.

The ironic thing is that yesterday was the first day I really felt pregnant. I don't know what that baby was doing in there, but in the evening it was if I had acquired a spare tire (not fat either, as it was firm) right around my middle. And there were little bits of kicking here and there.

Per my promise to DH, I am trying to "enjoy" my pregnancy more (since it may well be the only one I ever have) and not be so anxious. Now, that the baby's furniture has arrived, I have made a nightly habit of going in the room and "showing" the baby all his or her stuff and talking to the baby. Sometimes, I read one of the books to him or her or just sit and rock in the glider.

Quick update- still just fat

I had a routine OB appointment on Friday. All was fine and I scheduled my anatomy ultrasound for August 1. DH is still being stubborn, so it looks like team green will continue.

Yesterday, I was wearing a maternity dress that I feel makes me look particularly pregnant (that's not why I was wearing it- it happened to be clean). One of my coworkers who had been out for a few weeks asked me how things were going and when I was going to start wearing maternity clothes. Yeah, thanks. So, I guess, I am still just looking fat. I don't wear really fitted clothing because I am just not one of those types that buys into the baring my bump theory. I buy my maternity clothes in a size bigger than I would normally wear b/c I am not some skinny, twenty-year-old who wants to prance around with my belly hanging out.

We are going to the ILs this weekend, so I am curious to see how crazy they drive me about baby stuff.

Prayers, thoughts, etc.

My real-life infertile friend, who had such a wonderful response to my pregnancy, is going for a beta today. She is 15 DPO, not on progesterone, following a femara/trigger cycle. So far, no period in sight. Please pray or send positive thoughts her way.

Edited for update- she was told that her "progesterone is really high, which is indicative of pregnancy, but hcg is negative." She goes in for another blood test on Friday. I am so very disappointed for her.

If

IF I wasn't 17 weeks pregnant, I would be starting stims for ivf right about now. I have been pondering this all week. We purposely planned to be home for the month of July and didn't plan anything big for this very reason. It is so humbling to be in the place that I am and not the one that I had imagined. Instead of poking myself with needles, I am picking out a nursery. I know how blessed I am and I constantly remind myself that I am not "supposed to be" in this position. And I make sure everyone knows it. I don't allow the comments that "it was because we stopped trying" to fly without correction. I still feel the divide between the "normal" and the infertile worlds.

The irony of the IF abbreviation for infertility is not lost on me and has been commented on by others, I am sure. Infertility is all about "if"- if only I could get pregnant, if only there were more sperm, if only the embryos had implanted, if only I could stay pregnant, if only there was insurance coverage, if only we could afford treatment, if, if, if . . . . And the ifs also lead to the "what ifs"- what if we tried a different protocol, what if my husband tries clomid or has surgery, what if we did ivf, what if we tried a different clinic, what if we did it just one more time, what if . . . .

But the biggest IF of infertility is the foundation of hope implicit in even asking the question. If is more than just the desperate wanting, it is the hope creeping in, the wanting to believe in the non-zero chance.


IF.

Crutch

I finally got my doppler in the mail yesterday (don't get me started on the USPS) and ripped that puppy open to check the baby's heartbeat right away. It was a reassuring 154-160. I repeated the magic for DH when he got home. He wasn't nearly as impressed as I was.

But now I have my fallback when the anxiety level starts to rise.

Thoughts on a nursery

In an effort to be optimistic (ha), I am trying to focus on more baby things.

DH and I are torn between two different nursery schemes, so I decided to put it up for a vote. We are going for gender neutral and the room is already painted a pale green and is staying that way. Both of these patterns have the same green, but it is not readily apparent in the pictures below. The furniture is dark cherry. I have put a poll on the sidebar.

Here they are:

The Barnyard Choice (Countryside by Kidsline)


or
Moon and Stars (Goodnight Star by Lambs & Ivy)

Stumble

Last night, I had a bit of a scare when I fell as we were walking on the sidewalk after dinner. There was a chunk of sidewalk missing (apparently, people here are not nearly litigious enough so that the sidewalks are kept up) and I didn't see it and stepped in it and lost my footing. I landed pretty hard on my rear. I have enough padding on that end, but I was ab it freaked out. I ended up calling the OB who didn't think much of it. I really wished I'd had that doppler now (still waiting to receive it).



In her comment to my last post, fiddle suggests reading The Red Tent. I second her recommendation if you haven't read it yet.