From even the title of this chapter, I was intrigued. Finally, someone was putting into words what my most difficult struggle with infertility has been- my expectations (my hopes, dreams, beliefs) of becoming a parent have been completely eroded by infertility. This is a concept my husband doesn't seem to understand- he tells me I focus too much on the process and all that matters is that somehow, someday we end up as parents. Personally, I'd just as soon know the how and when, thank you very much.
The authors posit that each of us has a unique reproductive story made up of the images that we acquire from a lifetime of interactions, including our interactions with our own parents. I always knew that having babies wasn't an easy thing. I knew about the miscarriage before my birth and the six losses (some late in pregnancy) after that my mother suffered through. I knew that losing babies was a reality and my psyche somehow absorbed that fact. But no one ever explained about male factor infertility- there wasn't even a screen for that radar to appear.
I wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember. Because I was a teenager when my two sisters came along, I got a taste of mommyhood. I did my share of bottles, diapers, and late nights (probably more than my share since I was only 14) in taking care of them. I was the only kid in high school who had two baby seats in my back seat and it was my job to pick them up from the babysitter and preschool. As a result, I didn't have idealized notions of what having children really means, but I have been ready for so long to have a baby to call my own.
This chapter also gives the example of the internal timetable being off balance. This is exactly how I feel. I had a plan, damnit, and it's not working out in the time and manner it was supposed to. I ended up getting married later in life than I had planned, but still within the realm of reproductive normalcy for my peers. We waited a little over a year after the wedding to start to ttc and after we had purchased a house- the house with the perfect nursery. We did it right and in the right order. And now here we sit more than twenty months later and very little hope of a pregnancy in this calendar year, forget a baby. I was supposed to be working on baby #2 by now.
The final part of the chapter deals with writing out one's resproductive story and the benefits of journalling. The authors suggest having both partners write out his or her story. I think this is a wonderful idea, but fear DH wouldn't participate. From what I have gleaned, he does have a reproductive story but it seems to revolve more on interactions with an older child (I believe he is stumped by infants). I feel my blog serves the other purposes of journalling as described by the authors- finding an outlet for feelings and tracking medical procedures. I like to imagine that the authors would be quite happy with our little blog ring of discussion.
To read further thoughts about this chapter, check out this blog
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Never Say Never
The lovely Stirrup Queen Mel has a wonderfully insightful post (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2008/01/one-in-whole.html) concerning individual experience and how it shapes each person differently. She points out that the problems in creating definitions for the grey areas of infertility.
I have been pondering this idea for a long time. I must confess that before joining the ranks of the infertile, I fell into the camp of wondering why people chose to go so far to pursue a biological family. I would go so far as to describe myself as judgmental. And yet now, down in the trenches of infertility, those subjects that were easily black and white now are a rainbow of grey. I know how difficult it is to "just adopt"- physically, emotionally, and financially. And now I understand the pull of wanting all of those experiences that come from a pregnancy.
Yes, there are areas that DH and I have decided not to go. But these are decisions we made for ourselves, based on our values and priorities. We have agreed that donor sperm is not an option for us- that our children need to be genetically related to either both of us or neither of us. But do I think donor sperm is inherently wrong in all situations? No. In fact, the Old Testament speaks of widows being married to a younger brother in order to conceive an heir for her dead husband. And, of course, there is mention of handmaidens being used as surrogates of sorts. I very likely wouldn't use a surrogate, but would certainly be willing to act as one for someone else. When the news stories about the surrogates in India were circulating through the media, I, for the first time, understood why those couples would choose that option, even if it's not one I feel comfortable with for me. The dreadful no-win choices associated with selective reduction for high order multiples is one of the grey areas of the fertility world which I have learned to simply not even discuss. I, thankfully, haven't been in that situation and can't know the feelings associated with it. I am learning that it's hard to say what I would do until I am the one making the choice.
I always thought I would never do ivf. But when one is told that's the only option (and is better educated about the process), a different thought process can pervade. Especially when it's less expensive than adoption.
Infertility has taught me never to say never. And never to question someone else's lines- that may mean choosing adoption before pursuing any treatment or that may mean trying every conceivable experimental reproductive technology.
I have been pondering this idea for a long time. I must confess that before joining the ranks of the infertile, I fell into the camp of wondering why people chose to go so far to pursue a biological family. I would go so far as to describe myself as judgmental. And yet now, down in the trenches of infertility, those subjects that were easily black and white now are a rainbow of grey. I know how difficult it is to "just adopt"- physically, emotionally, and financially. And now I understand the pull of wanting all of those experiences that come from a pregnancy.
Yes, there are areas that DH and I have decided not to go. But these are decisions we made for ourselves, based on our values and priorities. We have agreed that donor sperm is not an option for us- that our children need to be genetically related to either both of us or neither of us. But do I think donor sperm is inherently wrong in all situations? No. In fact, the Old Testament speaks of widows being married to a younger brother in order to conceive an heir for her dead husband. And, of course, there is mention of handmaidens being used as surrogates of sorts. I very likely wouldn't use a surrogate, but would certainly be willing to act as one for someone else. When the news stories about the surrogates in India were circulating through the media, I, for the first time, understood why those couples would choose that option, even if it's not one I feel comfortable with for me. The dreadful no-win choices associated with selective reduction for high order multiples is one of the grey areas of the fertility world which I have learned to simply not even discuss. I, thankfully, haven't been in that situation and can't know the feelings associated with it. I am learning that it's hard to say what I would do until I am the one making the choice.
I always thought I would never do ivf. But when one is told that's the only option (and is better educated about the process), a different thought process can pervade. Especially when it's less expensive than adoption.
Infertility has taught me never to say never. And never to question someone else's lines- that may mean choosing adoption before pursuing any treatment or that may mean trying every conceivable experimental reproductive technology.
Patting self on the back
When we met with the RE back in June, he mentioned as an aside that in order to undergo ivf (which we weren't even considering at the time), I would have to lose 50 pounds. I can report that since that time I have lost 28 pounds. I'm not there yet, but on my way, and feeling a bit proud of myself for the effort.
After officially weighing in Monday night (both of us having actually lost weight on our vacation-go figure), yesterday began the new diet plan DH and I are giving a go. I must confess there is a little tiny piece inside me that hopes that DH's weight loss might improve the count enough (urologist mentioned that this was the only factor he could recommend for improvement) that we could give IUI another go. Probably wishful thinking, but that's all I've got right now. I feel like I am jsut twiddling my thumbs with these natural cycles.
After officially weighing in Monday night (both of us having actually lost weight on our vacation-go figure), yesterday began the new diet plan DH and I are giving a go. I must confess there is a little tiny piece inside me that hopes that DH's weight loss might improve the count enough (urologist mentioned that this was the only factor he could recommend for improvement) that we could give IUI another go. Probably wishful thinking, but that's all I've got right now. I feel like I am jsut twiddling my thumbs with these natural cycles.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Some genetically good news
DH was notified by his urologist that his genetic testing for y-chromosome deletion and karotype abnormalities all came back normal. It's nice to get a bit of good news for a change.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Unsung Lullabies- Intro and Chapter 1
Introduction
I have to admit I got a little nervous in reading the introduction to the book because all of the authors are psychologists. I am not so much the touchy-feely, explore my psyche type. And I am embarassed to admit that I think counseling is great-for other people. Growing up in my dysfunctional family, keeping things private was always emphasized and the thought of extensively discussing my feelings with a stranger still sort of leaves me queasy. However, it seems that the good doctors intend to rely more on their own infertility experiences, which are extensive, and those of their patients without too much of the deep psychological digging that transcends infertility. And I certainly appreciate the male perspective given by one of the authors.
Chapter One- This Isn't How It Was Supposed To Be
The title of this chapter says it all- the beginning of the shattered dreams. Gone is the concept of a child conceived as a product of the marriage bed, traded in for doctor's appointments and schedule arrangements for treatment cycles.
In this chapter, the authors introduce the concept of "reproductive trauma." My first reaction to this was the thought that trauma seemed a pretty extreme description for infertility. But the authors' definition of a trauma is "any event or feeling that goes beyond the range of usual human experience and is overwhelming either physically, emotionally, or both." Infertility certainly qualifies for that. And it is the ongoing nature of the repeated trauma cycle after unsuccessful cycle that really provides the most devastation. I often ask myself how much longer I can continue this madness, but what other option do I have?
In sum, we are off to an interesting start with Unsung Lullabies and I am curious to see where the authors go, especially a more thorough discussion of male factor infertility.
To continue with the Unsung Lullabies discussion, go here.
I have to admit I got a little nervous in reading the introduction to the book because all of the authors are psychologists. I am not so much the touchy-feely, explore my psyche type. And I am embarassed to admit that I think counseling is great-for other people. Growing up in my dysfunctional family, keeping things private was always emphasized and the thought of extensively discussing my feelings with a stranger still sort of leaves me queasy. However, it seems that the good doctors intend to rely more on their own infertility experiences, which are extensive, and those of their patients without too much of the deep psychological digging that transcends infertility. And I certainly appreciate the male perspective given by one of the authors.
Chapter One- This Isn't How It Was Supposed To Be
The title of this chapter says it all- the beginning of the shattered dreams. Gone is the concept of a child conceived as a product of the marriage bed, traded in for doctor's appointments and schedule arrangements for treatment cycles.
In this chapter, the authors introduce the concept of "reproductive trauma." My first reaction to this was the thought that trauma seemed a pretty extreme description for infertility. But the authors' definition of a trauma is "any event or feeling that goes beyond the range of usual human experience and is overwhelming either physically, emotionally, or both." Infertility certainly qualifies for that. And it is the ongoing nature of the repeated trauma cycle after unsuccessful cycle that really provides the most devastation. I often ask myself how much longer I can continue this madness, but what other option do I have?
In sum, we are off to an interesting start with Unsung Lullabies and I am curious to see where the authors go, especially a more thorough discussion of male factor infertility.
To continue with the Unsung Lullabies discussion, go here.
Back to the frozen North
With a temperature swing of about 70 degrees, we are back from our Caribbean cruise. Lots of laundry to do and I am dizzy and feel like I am still rocking on the ship.
I hope to post my Unsung Lullabies piece this evening.
I hope to post my Unsung Lullabies piece this evening.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Unsung Lullabies
Thanks to dayz of rain, some of us in the blogosphere will be discussing Unsung Lullabies.
I must admit I have read (probably more than) my share of books on infertility. I am an information junkie. It helps to soothe me and placate my anxiety to know as much as I possibly can about any subject that affects me. Although I think I can learn something from this book, I believe that the biggest benefit will be getting to "hash it out" with others in the same infertility struggle. I often read these sorts of books and want to dissect what they are discussing and have no outlet, so I am eager to hear what strikes others and how they process the information in this particular book.
Updated to add:
Follow along on our blog ring and check out what Barb has to say here.
I must admit I have read (probably more than) my share of books on infertility. I am an information junkie. It helps to soothe me and placate my anxiety to know as much as I possibly can about any subject that affects me. Although I think I can learn something from this book, I believe that the biggest benefit will be getting to "hash it out" with others in the same infertility struggle. I often read these sorts of books and want to dissect what they are discussing and have no outlet, so I am eager to hear what strikes others and how they process the information in this particular book.
Updated to add:
Follow along on our blog ring and check out what Barb has to say here.
Coffee klatching
no hot dish required. (Only the locals will know what the heck that even means.)
I am interested in gathering together in person some of the local bloggers (like the lovely D.C. ladies do). I have attended some of the Resolve talk time groups and there just aren't that many people there. So, if anyone in the Twin Cities area wants to meet up for some coffee, contact me at mrsshoelover at gmail.
I am interested in gathering together in person some of the local bloggers (like the lovely D.C. ladies do). I have attended some of the Resolve talk time groups and there just aren't that many people there. So, if anyone in the Twin Cities area wants to meet up for some coffee, contact me at mrsshoelover at gmail.
heading for the heat
We leave tomorrow for Puerto Rico and a 7-day cruise around the Caribbean. Given that the high on Saturday will be -2 (yes, that a negative), I can't wait to get the hell out of Dodge. Probably will be no blogging.
If it ain't chronic
what the hell is infertility?
According to an online dictionary, chronic has the following definitions:
1. constant; habitual; inveterate: a chronic liar.
2. continuing a long time or recurring frequently: a chronic state of civil war.
3. having long had a disease, habit, weakness, or the like: a chronic invalid.
4. (of a disease) having long duration (opposed to acute).
The insurance company is trying to convince me infertility is not chronic and a standing RE referral is not justified.
They are pissing off the wrong woman.
According to an online dictionary, chronic has the following definitions:
1. constant; habitual; inveterate: a chronic liar.
2. continuing a long time or recurring frequently: a chronic state of civil war.
3. having long had a disease, habit, weakness, or the like: a chronic invalid.
4. (of a disease) having long duration (opposed to acute).
The insurance company is trying to convince me infertility is not chronic and a standing RE referral is not justified.
They are pissing off the wrong woman.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Donating
I donated blood yesterday. My husband has always been very good about going even long before we met, so he usually guilts me into going. I know it's the right thing to do, I just hate having to take the time out of my day. My blood type is the least common so I am usually a hot commodity and the blood donation center calls me regularly. I had taken some time off of donating while cycling because I didn't want to have to explain the fertility medications.
Anyhow, while sitting in the chair waiting for the phlebomist to get going (why do I always get the one who feels the need to help everyone but the person to whom she is assigned?) I got to thinking about my "donor" status. I understand how important and life-saving blood can be, but what about my eggs? I would actually be more than willing to go through a donor egg cycle but am not eligible because of my quickly-approaching thirty-fourth birthday. For that matter, given my cystic fibrosis carrier status and weight history, I don't think I would be the donor anyone was dying to have. It's just that I would like my donation to matter to someone whose struggle I can understand, unlike the woman in the poster on the wall who needed 12 pints of blood during labor.
Anyhow, while sitting in the chair waiting for the phlebomist to get going (why do I always get the one who feels the need to help everyone but the person to whom she is assigned?) I got to thinking about my "donor" status. I understand how important and life-saving blood can be, but what about my eggs? I would actually be more than willing to go through a donor egg cycle but am not eligible because of my quickly-approaching thirty-fourth birthday. For that matter, given my cystic fibrosis carrier status and weight history, I don't think I would be the donor anyone was dying to have. It's just that I would like my donation to matter to someone whose struggle I can understand, unlike the woman in the poster on the wall who needed 12 pints of blood during labor.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Fake it 'til you make it
I am terrible at hiding my feelings. I have even been warned by judges about my facial expressions in response to opposing counsel. Call it honesty, lack of self-control, whatever- if I am feeling it, it's usually pretty easy to tell.
My coworker's easily achieved pregnancy (first month) has been really difficult for me. And now that the coworker who started trying a few months after I did has returned from maternity leave, I feel a little raw from the combination of these two events. But one can only avoid a person whose office is just feet away so much. And glaring daggers at a pregnant coworker probably isn't considered socially appropriate.
So, I have been doing my best to suppress what I know can easily be expressed on my face. But faking it is exhausting. I feel so seriously depleted by the end of a work day when I've had to "make nice" and listen to pregnancy/baby prattle. I find myself making faces at myself in the ladies' room as a way to relieve the suppression. I think I've flipped.
My coworker's easily achieved pregnancy (first month) has been really difficult for me. And now that the coworker who started trying a few months after I did has returned from maternity leave, I feel a little raw from the combination of these two events. But one can only avoid a person whose office is just feet away so much. And glaring daggers at a pregnant coworker probably isn't considered socially appropriate.
So, I have been doing my best to suppress what I know can easily be expressed on my face. But faking it is exhausting. I feel so seriously depleted by the end of a work day when I've had to "make nice" and listen to pregnancy/baby prattle. I find myself making faces at myself in the ladies' room as a way to relieve the suppression. I think I've flipped.
Another day, another cycle
For some inexplicable reason, my period came early- by at least a day, possibly two. My luteal phase has always been 13 or 14 days and yet this cycle it barely scraped to 12 days. Very strange.
Monday, January 7, 2008
A little further out of the IF closet
Last week, I was discussing my new weight loss plan with a coworker. She is in her 50's and unmarried and childless. We work very closely together, and for the most past get along well. She is definitely someone who can be discreet.
I told her that I needed to lose 25 ponds by the beginning of April, which is what motivated me to try this new weight loss plan that will guaranteed my weight loss at a rate of three to five pounds a week or refund the fees.
She wanted to know why I had a deadline for weight loss and I, at first, just mentioned a medical procedure. She got concerned that I was very ill or something. I imagine because her brother just recently died of cancer. So, I just fessed up to the ivf. Remarkably, she was very positive about it. She said that she had been wondering why we didn't have children, given my age and how long we have been married. So, I told her that we had started trying before my coworker with the three-month old. And I also told her that this latest pregnancy by a coworker who was successful in her first month of trying has been difficult for me. I am hoping that now that sh eis in the know, she will be a bit of a buffer when the inevitable baby shower comes around.
I told her that I needed to lose 25 ponds by the beginning of April, which is what motivated me to try this new weight loss plan that will guaranteed my weight loss at a rate of three to five pounds a week or refund the fees.
She wanted to know why I had a deadline for weight loss and I, at first, just mentioned a medical procedure. She got concerned that I was very ill or something. I imagine because her brother just recently died of cancer. So, I just fessed up to the ivf. Remarkably, she was very positive about it. She said that she had been wondering why we didn't have children, given my age and how long we have been married. So, I told her that we had started trying before my coworker with the three-month old. And I also told her that this latest pregnancy by a coworker who was successful in her first month of trying has been difficult for me. I am hoping that now that sh eis in the know, she will be a bit of a buffer when the inevitable baby shower comes around.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Read every last one of 'em
at least until Mel adds more. And can I just say Wow! I cried, I laughed, I pondered. My blog roll has expanded, of course, as a result of my Creme de la Creme perusing, but mostly I was fascinated at the post that each blogger chose. I would so love to sit down with so many of them and chat about why the writer wanted that to be his or her "best" for the year.
I'll be honest- some were really hard for me to read, some I didn't agree with it, and some I didn't understand. But I really do think I benefitted from the sharing behind each individual's post.
I'll be honest- some were really hard for me to read, some I didn't agree with it, and some I didn't understand. But I really do think I benefitted from the sharing behind each individual's post.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Creme de la Creme
I slept in late to start off 2008 and DH is still snoring away past noon. I remain in my jammies because it has warmed up to a whopping 5 degrees even though it's after noon. And I am indulging myself by watching the Rose Parade. As a former Pasadena resident, I so miss the Parade. And with the cold, I so miss the CA weather.
As I sit here and contemplate the past and what this year will bring, I have been reading through the Creme de la Creme. I am far from done, but how moved I am by the talent and pure emotion expressed by so many. It might take me several days but I aim to get through all of them.
As I sit here and contemplate the past and what this year will bring, I have been reading through the Creme de la Creme. I am far from done, but how moved I am by the talent and pure emotion expressed by so many. It might take me several days but I aim to get through all of them.
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