Never Say Never

The lovely Stirrup Queen Mel has a wonderfully insightful post (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2008/01/one-in-whole.html) concerning individual experience and how it shapes each person differently. She points out that the problems in creating definitions for the grey areas of infertility.

I have been pondering this idea for a long time. I must confess that before joining the ranks of the infertile, I fell into the camp of wondering why people chose to go so far to pursue a biological family. I would go so far as to describe myself as judgmental. And yet now, down in the trenches of infertility, those subjects that were easily black and white now are a rainbow of grey. I know how difficult it is to "just adopt"- physically, emotionally, and financially. And now I understand the pull of wanting all of those experiences that come from a pregnancy.

Yes, there are areas that DH and I have decided not to go. But these are decisions we made for ourselves, based on our values and priorities. We have agreed that donor sperm is not an option for us- that our children need to be genetically related to either both of us or neither of us. But do I think donor sperm is inherently wrong in all situations? No. In fact, the Old Testament speaks of widows being married to a younger brother in order to conceive an heir for her dead husband. And, of course, there is mention of handmaidens being used as surrogates of sorts. I very likely wouldn't use a surrogate, but would certainly be willing to act as one for someone else. When the news stories about the surrogates in India were circulating through the media, I, for the first time, understood why those couples would choose that option, even if it's not one I feel comfortable with for me. The dreadful no-win choices associated with selective reduction for high order multiples is one of the grey areas of the fertility world which I have learned to simply not even discuss. I, thankfully, haven't been in that situation and can't know the feelings associated with it. I am learning that it's hard to say what I would do until I am the one making the choice.

I always thought I would never do ivf. But when one is told that's the only option (and is better educated about the process), a different thought process can pervade. Especially when it's less expensive than adoption.

Infertility has taught me never to say never. And never to question someone else's lines- that may mean choosing adoption before pursuing any treatment or that may mean trying every conceivable experimental reproductive technology.