As 2007 draws to a close

I'm not feeling happy or sad, just sort of blah and relieved this dreadful year is ending. I can only pray 2008 is somehow better.

I'm also not feeling so chatty (probably as a result of the blahness), but wanted to wish you all a happy New Year.

Blog Rolls

For now, I have removed the blog rolls on the side of the blog. There were several that had changed categories, many more that I read that weren't listed, and I am trying to figure out a new organizational scheme anyway, so I temporarily took them off. It doesn't mean I'm not reading my "blog posse."

Almost

I almost made it through this holiday unscathed until the very end. Ok, I admit, I got a little teary-eyed in church at the discussion of Elizabeth's barrenness on Sunday. But mostly I was doing my best to barrel through. Until tonight.

Despite my not really wanting to go, we went to dinner at the home of a woman from church. I had asked DH ahead of time if there would be children and was assured there would not be. But no one warned me so I ignorantly walked into the house, to meet the hostess's DIL who just happens to be eight very months pregnant. I thought I was going to puke right then and there.

Merry Christmas

to each and every one of you!



P.S.- I am currently reading "Embryo Culture" and can't wait to share about it.

It Never Really Ends

DH's urologist called last night and left a message. DH got in touch with his assistant today who said the urologist wants DH to have y-chromosone deletion and karotype testing based on some results he got back. Another thing to educate myself about.

I feel like just when we start to have some semblance of a plan, the rug is pulled out from underneath us.

Someone who gets it

I was at a brunch this morning with some women from church, some of whom know about our infertility struggle. One of the older women, who is a grandmother and certainly never struggled to have her own children, was discussing our plans for ivf with me. And she said, "It's just not fair, is it? That you all have to go through all of this. If anyone should have children, it's you two." I merely replied how DH reminds me that life isn't fair, but oh how I rejoiced that someone else who is not mired in this understood.

I am so angry

about this article regarding the "return" of an adopted child. It just makes adoption more difficult. What is wrong with people?



ETA- Gumby and Malloryn have it right in their description of how this can harm international adoption. It also affects public perception, especially of people like my MIL, who are misinformed to think that all babies from international orphanages are going to have "problems."

It's official!

Here I wrote how I had instigated a change in our leave policy so that fathers and adoptive parents would be able to use the same amount of their already-accrued sick leave as women who give birth. Today, I learned that the change in policy had passed all of its bureaucratic hurdles and will be in place for 2008!


ETA- in response to Jen's question, just to clarify, it is not six weeks of paid leave. It's being able to use six weeks of sick time for leave if one has the sick time accrued.

Still seething

My MIL whom I usually adore calls me at work to tell me how she was discussing with "the girls in jazzercise" (she goes 6 days a week, mind you the girls are in their 50s and 60s) about how we are considering adopting from Russia. One of the girls told her how "all" of the children have fetal alcohol syndrome and "they" will lie to you about the children's medical conditions and you will end up paying tens of thousands of dollars in bribes at the last minute. And she had the name and number of the director of infertility and adoption in Missouri and was going to call her and let her know I would get in touch with her. Ugh!!!!!!

So, I tried to explain that the Russian adoption system is greatly improved nowadays and that we were going to try ivf first. And then she didn't know what that was and I had to give a biology lesson. And for heaven's sake, I AM AT WORK!!!!

And just love how she is discussing our infertility with all the damn girls at jazzercise.

Another agency meeting

DH and I went to another adoption agency information meeting this morning. this one was different in that it was a small agency and it was just us meeting with the director. I walked out of there ready to file a registration form to adopt from Russia. And for two children. I loved these people and trusted them to get us through the process.

But DH and I discussed it and agreed that if we are ever going to do IVF, 2008 is the year to do it. I will be 34 (as of the end of January) so it will be the last year that shared risk is the least amount. DH is also right that, sadly, the orphanages of Russia (or whatever country) are not going to be empty next year if the IVF routine fails.

Looking for info

I am looking for any information that anyone out in Blogland has about the tax deductability of an IVF shared risk program. Is it included in the medical and dental expenses deduction even though the patient is not paying the provider?

Any info is greatly appreciated.

Skipping

Today is the children's Christmas pageant at church. We're not going. As much as I hate to miss a service during Advent (usually my favorite time), I know my limitations and I am pretty sure it will ruin my day. So, I am giving myself a pass. DH doesn't much care as he is not a big fan of off-key childish singing and preferred to sleep in this morning.

I know full well the classic stages of grief that infertility brings- denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance. This week was especially difficult in that a coworker who I was pretty sure was pregnant "announced" it to everyone at the holiday party (she had told me the day before). I knew she was trying and based on her due date, it happened the very first month. Also, at our office holiday party, the coworker who started trying a few months after me brought in her two-month old and was talking about the time when her next one comes along. And then, as a little icing on the cake- a male coworker announced his wife was pregnant with their third. I felt myself swirling down into a vortex of pain.

Poor DH doesn't understand why it hurts me to see others who have "cut in line." DH tells me I have become obsessed with trying to have a child. He is right. He also told me that he misses how carefree I used to be. I feel that's been taken away from me. He doesn't get why I feel like I am the homeless outsider peeking into the window of a swanky party, wanting so much to be a part of it. And yet ostracized.

But mostly I am angry. I am angry that to even have a chance at a baby, we will be paying thousands of dollars and go through the tortures of ivf. And even all these privileges are denied until I can be a certain weight. I am bubbling over with anger and resentment at how easy it is for some to get their babies, the thoughts that don't even cross their minds. I don't know that I can ever be carefree again.

I am having difficulty eating. That seems like a strange comment for a woman 75 pounds overweight. And not something that has ever been an issue in the past, it's usually refraining from eating that is a problem. I literally look at food and become anxious because I know I have to drop the weight and in a certain time frame. I am certainly not trying to starve myself. I have been through the merry-go-round of weight loss enough times that I know the best method is better eating and more exercise and I know that the weight watchers model works well for me as it has in the part. And yet in the last three days since the definitive decision to go forward with ivf, I know I haven't consumed even half the calories necessary for a healthy diet. And when I do eat, I feel sick to my stomach.

I want a break from infertility. Not a break from "trying." Just a few days where it doesn't hurt and my mind doesn't spin.

Not much more than can be done

DH suffered through the catheter and a rectal u/s (eek!). Apparently, the boy bits all looked good. The source of the white blood cells remains a mystery since the cultures came back negative and there are no blockages. So, he is pretty much done with the urologist.

I guess the onus is mine now to lose the weight to obtain an appropriate BMI.

Poor DH

He had his follow-up with the urologist this morning and it is looking like he is going to get a catheter photo shoot.

The Baby Business

A very interesting audio interview with Debora Spar, a senior associate dean at Harvard Business School, and the author of "The Baby Business: How Money, Science, and Politics Drive the Commerce of Conception" on
MPR. I think I might get the book.

On to cycle number 19

I know that cycle number 19 is not that high compared to many, but I never thought I would be able to say we are closer to two years than one.

Home with Creme

Blogging has been sparse because I was traveling, but I am home now and hoping to jump back into the swim of things. I have dutifully been reading others' blogs throughout the week though. Even though I had a lovely time, it's always wonderful to come home.

I had a hard time picking a post (mostly because I didn't feel that anything I had to say really "wowed" me), but I finally sent in my submission for Creme de la Creme.

Ignorance Abounds

Yesterday on the phone my mother tells me all about information her doctor gave her about doing sperm fragmentation testing. I haven't gone into detail with her what the cause of our infertility is for a variety of reasons so she thinks we need to do more testing on DH because "doctors often think it's the woman, when it's the man." Duh. Apparently, this quack told her "it only takes one." Beyond the fact that this is a personal pet peeve, it's medically inaccurate which I tried to explain to her. She is a nurse, after all. Her response was that she "disagreed" with me that hundreds of sperm are necessary to break down the outer membrane. And that I "shouldn't believe everything I read."

Amen!

The front cover article of Newsweek ("Infertility and Diet") caused me to come unglued because it failed to address all but a small slice of the infertility world, namely ovulatory dysfunction, and made it sound like diet is a panacea. And it never once mentioned that half of infertility is attributable to the male. Argh!

But Dr. Licciardi gets most of it right on how limited this information really is.

Tagged

by Trish for eight random things about me.


1. As a teenager, I worked at Disneyland as an "attractions hostess" in Fantasyland. I loved learning all the rides, but the costumes were definitely some perv's fantasy.

2. I (surreptitiously) listen to Christmas music year-round.

3. I was married within 10 months of meeting my husband (engaged after 4.5 months).

4. I secretly desire to be a pastry chef; alas, law school loans prevent that.

5. I spend a lot of my volunteer time working to end domestic violence. Since law school, I have volunteered with a variety of organizations that provide direct assitance to victims or advocacy.

6. I have a Second Life avatar so I can IM my husband when he is downstairs.

7. If I could live anywhere in the US, it would be Northern Virginia. I lived in DC for about six months during college and fell in love with it. Charleston, South Carolina, is a close second.

8. I like the beach when it's grey, overcast and cold.

Just to clarify

The weight I need to lose to do ivf is to get me to a BMI that is acceptable (although still overweight) for anesthesia. So, the 35 pounds I have to lose is a minimum and I could stand to lose more. When we first met with the RE back in June, he told me (in a very nice way actually) that this would be an issue so I was not surprised.

As for the frozen embryos issue, I will explain that more fully in a later post.



And thanks yodasmistress and kristen for the very kind comments.