Today is the children's Christmas pageant at church. We're not going. As much as I hate to miss a service during Advent (usually my favorite time), I know my limitations and I am pretty sure it will ruin my day. So, I am giving myself a pass. DH doesn't much care as he is not a big fan of off-key childish singing and preferred to sleep in this morning.
I know full well the classic stages of grief that infertility brings- denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance. This week was especially difficult in that a coworker who I was pretty sure was pregnant "announced" it to everyone at the holiday party (she had told me the day before). I knew she was trying and based on her due date, it happened the very first month. Also, at our office holiday party, the coworker who started trying a few months after me brought in her two-month old and was talking about the time when her next one comes along. And then, as a little icing on the cake- a male coworker announced his wife was pregnant with their third. I felt myself swirling down into a vortex of pain.
Poor DH doesn't understand why it hurts me to see others who have "cut in line." DH tells me I have become obsessed with trying to have a child. He is right. He also told me that he misses how carefree I used to be. I feel that's been taken away from me. He doesn't get why I feel like I am the homeless outsider peeking into the window of a swanky party, wanting so much to be a part of it. And yet ostracized.
But mostly I am angry. I am angry that to even have a chance at a baby, we will be paying thousands of dollars and go through the tortures of ivf. And even all these privileges are denied until I can be a certain weight. I am bubbling over with anger and resentment at how easy it is for some to get their babies, the thoughts that don't even cross their minds. I don't know that I can ever be carefree again.
I am having difficulty eating. That seems like a strange comment for a woman 75 pounds overweight. And not something that has ever been an issue in the past, it's usually refraining from eating that is a problem. I literally look at food and become anxious because I know I have to drop the weight and in a certain time frame. I am certainly not trying to starve myself. I have been through the merry-go-round of weight loss enough times that I know the best method is better eating and more exercise and I know that the weight watchers model works well for me as it has in the part. And yet in the last three days since the definitive decision to go forward with ivf, I know I haven't consumed even half the calories necessary for a healthy diet. And when I do eat, I feel sick to my stomach.
I want a break from infertility. Not a break from "trying." Just a few days where it doesn't hurt and my mind doesn't spin.
10 comments:
I'm sorry you had such a difficult day the other day. I know all to well the horrors of staff meeting and co-worker announcemnts. Lately everyone I know has spent so much time tlaking about either pregnancies or children that I comepletely feel left out. I feel like I belong on the Island of Misfit Toys.
Anyway, glad you gave yourself permission to skip the service. One little step toward getting that "IF break".
i am glad that you gave yourself a free pass today. I wish i had advice about the weight loss/eating thing, i don't but i know those feelings and they are very hard to overcome. I do hope that you get a few days break from the hurt/pain/mindspin
I'm not childless, but I share in your confusion. It seems that people living in squalor have no problems having one baby after another. They give no thought to the fact that they bring them into poverty and situations where they have no chance for a decent life. And worse, some seem not to care. They abuse them, neglect them and keep reproducing.
I didn't mean to jump on a soapbox, but it IS unfair. I'm sorry that you had a bad day and I'm sending prayers and hopes that things turn around for you soon.
How I wish that we could all get a break from infertility, it's a stressful battle to fight.
xx
J
"I feel like I am the homeless outsider peeking into the window of a swanky party, wanting so much to be a part of it. And yet ostracized."
I TOTALLY understand this. It is exactly how I feel a lot, but try not to.
Also, the coworker hell... I just found out that someone I know at work is now married and pregnant - got pregnant pretty much immediately after the ceremony!
Where is the justice? How is that remotely fair? Come Feb. it will be THREE YEARS since we threw out the bc pills. The really sad part is that 3 yrs is a short time for some of the women in our boat. My heart aches for us all.
I want to sign off with a Feel Better wish, but I know how difficult that is... Though I hope you do.
It's good that you took a break yesterday, god knows we all could use one! IF is so hard to deal with.
I sympathize with "all my co-workers are pregnant" hell also. The thought of being able to get pregnant during your first cycle of trying... wow. I just learned that my sister-in-law deliberately timed the births of our nephews to be close together, so that she only needed to throw one birthday party. Sometimes it feels like I'm living on a whole different planet than some people.
You're allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be frustrated, and you're allowed to be obsessed with having a baby. I wish you good luck with preparing for your IVF cycle. Hang in there.
So sorry. :(
You should have DH read a post that Smarshy from the Smarshy Files did. It's entitled, "The Happiest Infertile on the Block." My DH read it and actually put some of those ideas to use pretty quickly! Weird but he actually digested something I sent him! I chalk it up to the fact that he read it from another MAN.
xoxo
"But mostly I am angry. I am angry that to even have a chance at a baby, we will be paying thousands of dollars and go through the tortures of ivf. And even all these privileges are denied until I can be a certain weight. I am bubbling over with anger and resentment at how easy it is for some to get their babies, the thoughts that don't even cross their minds."
I could have written this. The whole drama with my SIL probably seems stupid to some people. But this is really what it is about. The fact that so many things come so easy to her. And this will too. And she will never ackowledge no only that it did for her, but that it didn't for me. Lame, I know. But it's like at least if I have to trudge this path the least someone could do is RECOGNIZE it. Ah but there in lies the irony. SILENT desperation. Just gotta keep repeating that to myself. *rolling eyes*
I would have skipped that service too. I am having such a hard time with all the smiling little kids that are everywhere right now.
Wish I had some help or words of wisdom with the weight. My insurance offers 1 free meeting with a nutrionist...you should see if you have something like that and they could set you up with a plan.
Good luck!
I am sorry that your heart is hurting and your head is spinning right now. It is no surprise that you are having difficulty eating right now, what with the pressure of that timeline put over your head.
Are you seeing any sort of therapist? I used to hate it when my RL family and friends offered up this advice, so feel free to blog-slap me if you want. But it has really helped me and my husband.
Just a thought. . . thinking of you.
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