Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Stones and sludge
Apparently, my gall bladder is full of both. I have a surgical consult next week. The hope is to push out the removal until at least mid-second trimester.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
No peeky
The u/s tech was very no-nonsense and was not interested in chatting or looking south. I will have to wait until my OB appointment in two weeks to hopefully hear the heartbeat on doppler.
Monday, April 28, 2008
The Gall
bladder, that is. The NP was pretty sure it's my gall bladder- possibly gall stones. Apparently, issues with the gall bladder can be exacerbated by pregnancy. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow, but it is doubtful they will get south enough for me to see what I really want to see.
Paranoid?
I was repeatedly struck by upper gastric pain this weekend and not of the heartburn variety. I finally put in a call to the OB and the doctor on call indicated that it might be my gall bladder. So, I called today to make an appointment as suggested by the doctor on call and had to play the telephone hokey-pokey and hemming and hawing about maybe I should wait for my scheduled appointment in two weeks. Umm, no. If there is something wrong with my gall bladder, I would like to know now, thank you very much.
When complaining to DH about the runaround, I said I didn't know why they make women wait until 10-12 weeks to come in for their first appointment anyway. He replied that most women are probably not as paranoid about their pregnancies. Yes, paranoid! I guess that would be me.
Personally, I think he is dead wrong. I think that even fertile women (especially those in their first pregnancies) are just as anxious about getting in to the doctor initally.
He is so in trouble.
When complaining to DH about the runaround, I said I didn't know why they make women wait until 10-12 weeks to come in for their first appointment anyway. He replied that most women are probably not as paranoid about their pregnancies. Yes, paranoid! I guess that would be me.
Personally, I think he is dead wrong. I think that even fertile women (especially those in their first pregnancies) are just as anxious about getting in to the doctor initally.
He is so in trouble.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Becoming a Vegetarian
Despite my normal carnivorous nature and all the protein-emphasized diets I have been on, it appears that pregnancy may render me a vegetarian. Even the thought of meat isn't sitting too well.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Lapped
I just learned (from DH who really didn't want to tell me, no doubt predicting my reaction) that our next-door neighbor is pregnant again. Four months apparently. Unplanned, another "oops." This is the couple who weren't married yet when they bought the house next door because she was finalizing her divorce. Shortly after they moved in in October 2006 (months after we started trying), I learned she was "accidentally pregnant." She had a little girl in May 2007, just as our infertility diagnosis was being finalized. At some point before the birth, they quietly got married.
Before the birth, the father mentioned how he would be disappointed if it was a girl. Turns out he was disappointed. He spends very little time with the baby. The great-grandmother or grandmother watches her constantly. I understand needing someone while the mother is working, but if the mother is not there, the grandmother or great-grandmother is, even when the father is home. The mother did not breastfeed because it was "inconvenient." I know that often breastfeeding doesn't work out for people, but to not even give it a shot for the sake of your kid? It frustrates me how little these people seem to do for their baby. I could go on and on. And yet, they're having another.
Does being pregnant take some of the sting away? Yes. But I am still left angry and full of righteous indignation at the unfairness of these people getting ANOTHER oops baby when there are so many others who have endured so much that deserve a baby so much more. She will have two babies and mine will still not be born yet. And that's assuming that we get a take-home baby out of this pregnancy. I know in my head that it rains on the just and the unjust and that life is not "fair." But in my heart- the voice calls out, "Unfair, unfair."
Before the birth, the father mentioned how he would be disappointed if it was a girl. Turns out he was disappointed. He spends very little time with the baby. The great-grandmother or grandmother watches her constantly. I understand needing someone while the mother is working, but if the mother is not there, the grandmother or great-grandmother is, even when the father is home. The mother did not breastfeed because it was "inconvenient." I know that often breastfeeding doesn't work out for people, but to not even give it a shot for the sake of your kid? It frustrates me how little these people seem to do for their baby. I could go on and on. And yet, they're having another.
Does being pregnant take some of the sting away? Yes. But I am still left angry and full of righteous indignation at the unfairness of these people getting ANOTHER oops baby when there are so many others who have endured so much that deserve a baby so much more. She will have two babies and mine will still not be born yet. And that's assuming that we get a take-home baby out of this pregnancy. I know in my head that it rains on the just and the unjust and that life is not "fair." But in my heart- the voice calls out, "Unfair, unfair."
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Relief
That is what I feel- a big whoooooosssshhhhh of it.
The baby is measuring a day ahead and we saw the heartbeat.
The baby is measuring a day ahead and we saw the heartbeat.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Parenting After Infertility: Singing Your Lullabies at Last
This final chapter of Unsung Lullabies was a struggle for me to read several weeks back. I never thought that by the time I got through the end of the book, we would be a step closer to parenthood. The authors make the point that having a baby in your arms soothes many of infertility's wounds. And I can understand that. But I am still viewing the pregnancy experience through the lens of infertility.
The authors accurately describe the sense of impending doom that women who are pregnant after infertility experience. "After so much going wrong, it's hard to believe things could possibly go right." Yes, thank you for putting my feelings into words.
The chapter also deals with the guilt and difficulty that new parenting brings and how that is exascerbated by the length of time that one struggled to get to the goal of parenthood. The infertile parent may feel ashamed that parenting is harder than expected because of the great lengths one has gone through to have a baby.
My favorite section of this chapter was what do you tell your child. It appears that I won't have to explain ivf or adoption to this child about his or her conception. But I guaranteed you this child will know about infertility and that having a baby isn't always easy. He or she will also learn how much we longed for his or her presence and what a miracle we were given.
Check out some more thoughts on this final chapter at Fertility Challenged in Florida.
The authors accurately describe the sense of impending doom that women who are pregnant after infertility experience. "After so much going wrong, it's hard to believe things could possibly go right." Yes, thank you for putting my feelings into words.
The chapter also deals with the guilt and difficulty that new parenting brings and how that is exascerbated by the length of time that one struggled to get to the goal of parenthood. The infertile parent may feel ashamed that parenting is harder than expected because of the great lengths one has gone through to have a baby.
My favorite section of this chapter was what do you tell your child. It appears that I won't have to explain ivf or adoption to this child about his or her conception. But I guaranteed you this child will know about infertility and that having a baby isn't always easy. He or she will also learn how much we longed for his or her presence and what a miracle we were given.
Check out some more thoughts on this final chapter at Fertility Challenged in Florida.
Monday, April 14, 2008
You gotta believe
My father, the erstwhile Little League coach who longed for a little boy but doomed to father only three girly girls, was always ready with the Bad News Bears-style peptalk that centered around the phrase, "You gotta believe." The bottom of the ninth with two outs and your team behind- "you gotta believe." My sister teetering on the balance beam, so close to losing her footing and a gymnastics medal- "you gotta believe." He always is willing to extend the benefit of the doubt that things are going to work out on the side of victory. His catchphrase is a running joke in our family.
The other night when I asked DH for the umpteenth time if he thought all was going to be well at the ultrasound on Thursday, he confidently answered, "yes." I asked him how he could be so sure and he responded, without a hint of irony, "You've gotta believe." DH so strongly feels that God would not have given us this miracle only to then snatch it away from us.
I so very much want to believe.
The other night when I asked DH for the umpteenth time if he thought all was going to be well at the ultrasound on Thursday, he confidently answered, "yes." I asked him how he could be so sure and he responded, without a hint of irony, "You've gotta believe." DH so strongly feels that God would not have given us this miracle only to then snatch it away from us.
I so very much want to believe.
Friday, April 11, 2008
An Amazing Friend
I have been working on this post for over a week and can't seem to get through it without shedding tears, so I am just going to wrap it up as quickly as I can.
I have an IRL friend who is also infertile. She is the friend I call multiple times a week, the one who was matron of honor in my wedding. Someone I have known for 12 years and can talk to about nothing for hours. She has been married seven years. She got pregnant in July 2006 while on the pill and then miscarried the day after she found out she was pregnant. The miscarriage prompted them to start actively trying. Her cycles are incredibly long. They are nearing the two-year mark now. She has been to an RE and attempted two IUI cycles that were both cancelled because neither her lining nor follicles grew. Right now, she is waiting for her insurance to change over so that she can try injectables. Perhaps, in June.
She and I have done our best to support each other through this infertility journey. We have shared that longing for a baby, we have shared the pain of others' insensitive comments, we have prayed for each other constantly. I have done my best to say the "right" things and be a sounding board when she found out her younger sister was pregnant within two months of trying.
She and I have often discussed that one day one of us is going to have to make the hardest phone call and tell the other she was left behind. I always assumed it would be her making the call to tell me.
When I saw that positive test last week, I knew that she was the first person I had to tell (after DH). I didn't even know how to form the words. I could just imagine her pain and I know how I would feel in her shoes- left behind once again.
But I screwed up my courage and called her on my way in to work. In my usual fashion, I yabbered about nothing for a few minutes, asking her about innocuous things. Then, I said I had to tell her something important and did she remember when we had discussed about making that really hard phone call? Barely able to utter coherent words, I blubbered out, "I took a test this morning and it was positive."
Never in my life have I heard such sheer joy in someone's response. I thought she was going to hyperventilate she was crying and screaming in excitement so loudly. Of course, this just made me cry harder. She kept repeating, "This is a miracle and I am so excited." She never once clarified that she was excited for me. She was genuinely and purely happy. She took joy from this miracle and did not once even pause to feel her own pain.
She is a much better person than I.
I have an IRL friend who is also infertile. She is the friend I call multiple times a week, the one who was matron of honor in my wedding. Someone I have known for 12 years and can talk to about nothing for hours. She has been married seven years. She got pregnant in July 2006 while on the pill and then miscarried the day after she found out she was pregnant. The miscarriage prompted them to start actively trying. Her cycles are incredibly long. They are nearing the two-year mark now. She has been to an RE and attempted two IUI cycles that were both cancelled because neither her lining nor follicles grew. Right now, she is waiting for her insurance to change over so that she can try injectables. Perhaps, in June.
She and I have done our best to support each other through this infertility journey. We have shared that longing for a baby, we have shared the pain of others' insensitive comments, we have prayed for each other constantly. I have done my best to say the "right" things and be a sounding board when she found out her younger sister was pregnant within two months of trying.
She and I have often discussed that one day one of us is going to have to make the hardest phone call and tell the other she was left behind. I always assumed it would be her making the call to tell me.
When I saw that positive test last week, I knew that she was the first person I had to tell (after DH). I didn't even know how to form the words. I could just imagine her pain and I know how I would feel in her shoes- left behind once again.
But I screwed up my courage and called her on my way in to work. In my usual fashion, I yabbered about nothing for a few minutes, asking her about innocuous things. Then, I said I had to tell her something important and did she remember when we had discussed about making that really hard phone call? Barely able to utter coherent words, I blubbered out, "I took a test this morning and it was positive."
Never in my life have I heard such sheer joy in someone's response. I thought she was going to hyperventilate she was crying and screaming in excitement so loudly. Of course, this just made me cry harder. She kept repeating, "This is a miracle and I am so excited." She never once clarified that she was excited for me. She was genuinely and purely happy. She took joy from this miracle and did not once even pause to feel her own pain.
She is a much better person than I.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The difference in the fertile world
I met with the OB nurse treatment center this morning. It was basically just to give me a packet of info and for me to fill out forms, ask questions, pee in a cup. She tried to explain to me all about the various testing and the need for genetic testing and counseling. Yeah, been there done that one, have the cf gene, got the letter from the genetic counselor, don't need to go again.
But the thing that struck me as funny is when she asked whether I had had an ultrasound yet. I haven't yet, so I honestly answered no. She said that because of my infertility history, they would have me come in much sooner because it would be less anxiety-producing for me- how was May 12? May 12!!That is more than a month away! Can you imagine the RE's office saying, "yeah, come back in a month?"
The assumption is that all is hunky-dory must be a lovely fertile fantasy.
But the thing that struck me as funny is when she asked whether I had had an ultrasound yet. I haven't yet, so I honestly answered no. She said that because of my infertility history, they would have me come in much sooner because it would be less anxiety-producing for me- how was May 12? May 12!!That is more than a month away! Can you imagine the RE's office saying, "yeah, come back in a month?"
The assumption is that all is hunky-dory must be a lovely fertile fantasy.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Apparently still pregnant
Second beta today was 1039, so doubling time of less than 48 hours.
ETA (because Kristen asked)- I have an u/s appointment at the RE's for next Thursday the 17th and I have an OB appointment this Thursday the 10th, which just consists of meeting with a nurse and giving history and getting a packet kind of thing. [Yes, I am double-tracking and not telling one about the other.]
ETA (because Kristen asked)- I have an u/s appointment at the RE's for next Thursday the 17th and I have an OB appointment this Thursday the 10th, which just consists of meeting with a nurse and giving history and getting a packet kind of thing. [Yes, I am double-tracking and not telling one about the other.]
Friday, April 4, 2008
Powerball
DH has taken to referring to the baby as Powerball since our odds were in the range of winning the lottery.
I am still pretty much a mess of emotions and having a hard time processing.
I am still pretty much a mess of emotions and having a hard time processing.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Miracles
The cynic in me has to admit that miracles happen. Because with less than a 1% chance of conceiving without medical assistance, I got a positive pee stick this morning.
I have been frustrated with the timing of my period since I wanted to go in by Friday for this updated CD 3 bloodwork this new cycle and maybe schedule a sono/trial transfer. So I would stop obsessing about where was my period and letting that half-percent of hope sneak in, I took a test.
It was positive. All four of them.
I am still shaking. I can't believe this is happening to me. Things like this don't happen to me.
I called the RE's office and will be going in for a beta later today and on Monday.
I have been frustrated with the timing of my period since I wanted to go in by Friday for this updated CD 3 bloodwork this new cycle and maybe schedule a sono/trial transfer. So I would stop obsessing about where was my period and letting that half-percent of hope sneak in, I took a test.
It was positive. All four of them.
I am still shaking. I can't believe this is happening to me. Things like this don't happen to me.
I called the RE's office and will be going in for a beta later today and on Monday.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
A bit of good news
Because DH works for a large corporation that includes a pharmacy, we get to use the employee discount of 10% at the pharmacy as well. I just had a lovely discussion this morning with the local pharmacist (who also confided that her sister had gone through ivf last year) and they can get all of my ivf meds and I can still get the 10% discount. And if we have the bonus 10% coupon (available after 10 pharmacy purchases), we could get up to 20%. When we are talking thousands of dollars worth for injectables, that is a lot of money! Finally, a little bit of silver lining.
If I get my period today or tomorrow, I will be going in for my updated CD 3 blood work on Friday. And I may be scheduling my sono/trial transfer for next Friday. The work baby shower has been rescheduled til then and I am hoping that I have a reason to be out of the office.
If I get my period today or tomorrow, I will be going in for my updated CD 3 blood work on Friday. And I may be scheduling my sono/trial transfer for next Friday. The work baby shower has been rescheduled til then and I am hoping that I have a reason to be out of the office.
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