This final chapter of Unsung Lullabies was a struggle for me to read several weeks back. I never thought that by the time I got through the end of the book, we would be a step closer to parenthood. The authors make the point that having a baby in your arms soothes many of infertility's wounds. And I can understand that. But I am still viewing the pregnancy experience through the lens of infertility.
The authors accurately describe the sense of impending doom that women who are pregnant after infertility experience. "After so much going wrong, it's hard to believe things could possibly go right." Yes, thank you for putting my feelings into words.
The chapter also deals with the guilt and difficulty that new parenting brings and how that is exascerbated by the length of time that one struggled to get to the goal of parenthood. The infertile parent may feel ashamed that parenting is harder than expected because of the great lengths one has gone through to have a baby.
My favorite section of this chapter was what do you tell your child. It appears that I won't have to explain ivf or adoption to this child about his or her conception. But I guaranteed you this child will know about infertility and that having a baby isn't always easy. He or she will also learn how much we longed for his or her presence and what a miracle we were given.
Check out some more thoughts on this final chapter at Fertility Challenged in Florida.
Showing posts with label Unsung Lullabies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Unsung Lullabies. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
A New Ending, a New Beginning: Rewriting Your Reproductive Story; Unsung Lullabies, Chapter 11
I got a little behind in my chapter, so this weekend is a catch-up of two.
The authors start off this chapter with a series of very important questions:
The authors describe how for some, it is important to be prepared for the next step and for others a time to grieve is necessary. I am sort of the next step type. It is soothing to me to know a plan is in place.
An interesting aspect of re-writing your story is when the two halves of a couple have different feelings on how to proceed. I feel that right now DH and I are on the same page, but I often wonder about where our rewritten reproductive stories may verge.
The authors conclude this chapter with great advice:
The authors start off this chapter with a series of very important questions:
How do you figure out what's right for you? What if one day you are sure you want to adopt, yet the next day you think it would be better to be childfree? Or you find an egg donor, but your partner doesn't like your choice? What if you get scared and change your mind midstream?
The authors describe how for some, it is important to be prepared for the next step and for others a time to grieve is necessary. I am sort of the next step type. It is soothing to me to know a plan is in place.
An interesting aspect of re-writing your story is when the two halves of a couple have different feelings on how to proceed. I feel that right now DH and I are on the same page, but I often wonder about where our rewritten reproductive stories may verge.
The authors conclude this chapter with great advice:
[T]here are no right or wrong choices at this juncture in your reproductive story. The beauty of the reproductive story is that it can be written and rewritten as you go through your life. Your infertility trauma will never be completely erased-it will always be a part of you-but it will be only a part, a single chapter, in the story of your life.
Knowing When to Stop Trying; Unsung Lullabies, Chapter 10
This chapter makes a very good point- how do you reach the point when you know you're done? And what does "done" even look like?
The authors' first point is another I want to add to my list of mantras- "You Made a Choice To Start, You Make a Choice to Stop." For me, there is no "stopping" until we become parents- whether that is through ART or adoption or some miracle. But we also have a stopping point for treatment. We have committed to a shared risk agreement of three fresh cycles- and that's it. For me, that is giving ivf the best possible chance of statistically happening and then we need to move on.
The authors also look at the many spiritual aspects that arise as a result of this journey- feeling abandoned by God; feeling guilty; feeling as if one is playing God. I can relate to the feeling of being abandoned by God during this process and askign, "Why?" I don't feel that treatment equates with playing God, however. No ART treatment is 100%, there is still very much a divine hand in its success or failure.
Another question posed by the authors is whether someone is selfish for seeking treatment rather than adopting. Those niggling questions that an infertile asks herself"Am I wrong for wanting my own? There are lots of babies who need homes so why aren't you adopting?" The authors address this issue so well:
I want to be able to remind myself if the time comes that ivf is not successful that I need, as the authors suggest, to honor our decision to stop. That it is a loss and it is not easy, but it will be time to get off the treatment treadmill.
Read some other great thoughts on this chapter at fertility Challenged in Florida.
The authors' first point is another I want to add to my list of mantras- "You Made a Choice To Start, You Make a Choice to Stop." For me, there is no "stopping" until we become parents- whether that is through ART or adoption or some miracle. But we also have a stopping point for treatment. We have committed to a shared risk agreement of three fresh cycles- and that's it. For me, that is giving ivf the best possible chance of statistically happening and then we need to move on.
The authors also look at the many spiritual aspects that arise as a result of this journey- feeling abandoned by God; feeling guilty; feeling as if one is playing God. I can relate to the feeling of being abandoned by God during this process and askign, "Why?" I don't feel that treatment equates with playing God, however. No ART treatment is 100%, there is still very much a divine hand in its success or failure.
Another question posed by the authors is whether someone is selfish for seeking treatment rather than adopting. Those niggling questions that an infertile asks herself"Am I wrong for wanting my own? There are lots of babies who need homes so why aren't you adopting?" The authors address this issue so well:
If you want to keep on with treatment, by all means do. Adoption is a wonderful choice, but to adopt and deny yourself medical treatment out of guilt is not constructive for yourself or the baby you are adopting. If and when you choose to adopt, do so because you want to, not because you think you should.
I want to be able to remind myself if the time comes that ivf is not successful that I need, as the authors suggest, to honor our decision to stop. That it is a loss and it is not easy, but it will be time to get off the treatment treadmill.
Read some other great thoughts on this chapter at fertility Challenged in Florida.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Dealing with the World: Unsung Lullabies, Chapter 9
The point of this chapter is to assist the infertile in how to get through the inevitable aches of the daily insensitivities and reminders of infertility. The authors point out that one can only protect herself so much. Unless one lives under a rock, there really is no way to avoid the onslaught of reminders. There is inevitably going to be the comments or experience that pit the infertiles, as the have-nots, against the haves. The authors advise that a remedy is to remember to own up to the feelings of anger, sadness, self-pity and acknowledge the normalcy of such feelings under the circumstances.
The authors also up self-talk as the solution to feeling bad about these encounters. Focusing on what one does have (intellect, career, etc.) is a positive reinforcement that infertility does not define one. But the thing is I don't feel inadequate by these experiences- I just feel saddened and left out and no amount of bolstering is going to change the circumstance. One helpful point that the authors address is preparing responses to the inevitable stinging remarks. As I come farther out of the infertility closet, I am finding these interactions a little easier in that I usually snap off a sarcastic remark. I find it difficult to let an "educational moment" slide. Unless DH is with me because he doesn't like to bring it up.
This chapter also delves into the topic of how much to tell one's family. We have been fairly upfront with our families since last summer (mostly as a result of finding out my cystic fibrosis carrier status) although I haven't been very upfront about the cause of our infertility with my parents. This chapter also helped to break a stalemate between DH and I about asking his parents for money to help finance ivf. The authors strongly encourage asking for help where there would not be strings attached. DH has strongly felt that we should ask his parents for financial help. They are wonderful people who are extraordinarily generous. And I know they could afford to help us. And they are thankfully not like my parents for whom money = strings. I just hate having to ask someone else for money. I know they wouldn't let us pay them back because that is just how they are. The books makes the same point that DH has made over and over that his parents have an investment in our children because that is an extension of their reproductive stories. So, on the advice of the book, I have to say I caved on this issue.
The authors briefly address how to deal with friends. I must admit that my solution to dealing with many of my friends is that those who are not understanding, I just don't really have time for right now. Dealing with infertility as it relates to work has been the most difficult. With the exception of one coworker, no one knows of our infertility and I plan to keep it that way.
The chapter ends with a section title that I want to whole-heartedly embrace "You are coping, even though it may not feel like it."
Keep reading about this chapter, here.
The authors also up self-talk as the solution to feeling bad about these encounters. Focusing on what one does have (intellect, career, etc.) is a positive reinforcement that infertility does not define one. But the thing is I don't feel inadequate by these experiences- I just feel saddened and left out and no amount of bolstering is going to change the circumstance. One helpful point that the authors address is preparing responses to the inevitable stinging remarks. As I come farther out of the infertility closet, I am finding these interactions a little easier in that I usually snap off a sarcastic remark. I find it difficult to let an "educational moment" slide. Unless DH is with me because he doesn't like to bring it up.
This chapter also delves into the topic of how much to tell one's family. We have been fairly upfront with our families since last summer (mostly as a result of finding out my cystic fibrosis carrier status) although I haven't been very upfront about the cause of our infertility with my parents. This chapter also helped to break a stalemate between DH and I about asking his parents for money to help finance ivf. The authors strongly encourage asking for help where there would not be strings attached. DH has strongly felt that we should ask his parents for financial help. They are wonderful people who are extraordinarily generous. And I know they could afford to help us. And they are thankfully not like my parents for whom money = strings. I just hate having to ask someone else for money. I know they wouldn't let us pay them back because that is just how they are. The books makes the same point that DH has made over and over that his parents have an investment in our children because that is an extension of their reproductive stories. So, on the advice of the book, I have to say I caved on this issue.
The authors briefly address how to deal with friends. I must admit that my solution to dealing with many of my friends is that those who are not understanding, I just don't really have time for right now. Dealing with infertility as it relates to work has been the most difficult. With the exception of one coworker, no one knows of our infertility and I plan to keep it that way.
The chapter ends with a section title that I want to whole-heartedly embrace "You are coping, even though it may not feel like it."
As you struggle to find your footing, please keep in mind that it's all right to laugh, or cry, or get angry; it's all right to feel all the crazy things you're feeling. Feeling one way in the morning and another in the evening is not only okay, it's to be expected. It's all right to hide when you need to, just as it's all right to reach out to others. You are not alone in this- although it often feels as if you are.
Keep reading about this chapter, here.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Grieving for the Pregnancy or the Baby That Never Was: Unsung Lullabies Chapter 8
This chapter starts off Part III of the book which is entitled, "Grieving and Coping." As such, this starts the beginning of the process of how to actually transform infertility from crisis management to coping.
The authors start out this chapter with the concept of "little deaths"- i.e., that every month brings its own grief at the loss of another chance to conceive. This has been the most difficult aspect of infertility for me. When someone dies, there is a point of reference for the grieving process to begin. Although loss is heart wrenching and the pain never goes away entirely, the day-to-day coping gets a little easier. The tightness of pain's vice grip does slowly loosen with time. But with infertility, the grieving process is renewed every cycle and there is no endpoint from which to move away from the pain.
The authors recommend release of emotions as a way to cope with the perpetual repeat of hurt. "Acknowledging the multiple losses from month to month will not eliminate your pain, but releasing the pent-up feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness will provide some relief." I guess, my question to this proposed answer is release to whom? Absent therapy, who is the appropriate person to receive the release of the pent-up emotion? I don't think that any friends or family, and certainly not spouses, are the appropriate recipient of such release.
The authors next tackle the typical stages of grief- and make the very important point that when dealing with infertility, the stages are not a linear progression and one can easily fall from the acceptance stage back to denial or anger in just a single encounter with something like a friend's oops pregnancy. The authors suggest creating a mourning ritual that would address the little deaths since it goes unrecognized by society at large. This idea of providing a self-validation for the grief that has no societally-approved forms of expression is a great one, im my opinion.
The final section of this chapter addresses "getting stuck." When one gets stuck and overwhelmed by the feelings associated with infertility, the authors point to therapy and support groups as an outlet. Ultimately, I liked the following suggestions provided by the authors:
Be true to yourself. Don't try to feel a certain way because someone else thinks you should.
Even if you get frustrated at times, be patient with yourself. . . . The tenderness you would expect to have for your much-wanted child needs to be transferred to your partner-and to yourself as well.
Above all, remember there is no right or wrong way to feel, no right or wrong way to manage all you have been through and continue to experience. It takes time to grieve. . . . You can't erase what you have been through but you can and will get through this, and this chapter of your reproductive story, albeit rewritten, will come to a close.
To continue reading about this chapter, go to Fertility Challenged in Florida.
The authors start out this chapter with the concept of "little deaths"- i.e., that every month brings its own grief at the loss of another chance to conceive. This has been the most difficult aspect of infertility for me. When someone dies, there is a point of reference for the grieving process to begin. Although loss is heart wrenching and the pain never goes away entirely, the day-to-day coping gets a little easier. The tightness of pain's vice grip does slowly loosen with time. But with infertility, the grieving process is renewed every cycle and there is no endpoint from which to move away from the pain.
The authors recommend release of emotions as a way to cope with the perpetual repeat of hurt. "Acknowledging the multiple losses from month to month will not eliminate your pain, but releasing the pent-up feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness will provide some relief." I guess, my question to this proposed answer is release to whom? Absent therapy, who is the appropriate person to receive the release of the pent-up emotion? I don't think that any friends or family, and certainly not spouses, are the appropriate recipient of such release.
The authors next tackle the typical stages of grief- and make the very important point that when dealing with infertility, the stages are not a linear progression and one can easily fall from the acceptance stage back to denial or anger in just a single encounter with something like a friend's oops pregnancy. The authors suggest creating a mourning ritual that would address the little deaths since it goes unrecognized by society at large. This idea of providing a self-validation for the grief that has no societally-approved forms of expression is a great one, im my opinion.
The final section of this chapter addresses "getting stuck." When one gets stuck and overwhelmed by the feelings associated with infertility, the authors point to therapy and support groups as an outlet. Ultimately, I liked the following suggestions provided by the authors:
Be true to yourself. Don't try to feel a certain way because someone else thinks you should.
Even if you get frustrated at times, be patient with yourself. . . . The tenderness you would expect to have for your much-wanted child needs to be transferred to your partner-and to yourself as well.
Above all, remember there is no right or wrong way to feel, no right or wrong way to manage all you have been through and continue to experience. It takes time to grieve. . . . You can't erase what you have been through but you can and will get through this, and this chapter of your reproductive story, albeit rewritten, will come to a close.
To continue reading about this chapter, go to Fertility Challenged in Florida.
Friday, February 15, 2008
If Everyone Else Can Do This, Why Can't I: Unsung Lullabies, Chapter 5
"The myth that getting pregnant is effortless is so deeply embedded in our collective culture that it comes as an enormous blow when it is not easy."
The authors hit the nail on the head with this one- how come we never knew about infertility until it hit us? I knew people that had "trouble getting pregnant" or recurrent losses, but I certainly didn't know anyone "infertile." Why is infertility this well-kept secret that our society wants kept under wraps?
One client ponders, "What's the point of getting married if you can't have kids?" I have asked myself this question as well. I love my husband a lot, but, in all honesty, choosing to get married was because I wanted more than just a spouse. I wanted a family- complete with babies. If we were going to remain childless that is certainly something we could have done unmarried. I feel cheated.
The authors discuss the career difficulties associated with infertility. I feel the pressure of this particular problem because I feel attached to my current job for several reasons- I need the security of my insurance; the flexibility during most of the year to go to the myriad of appointments necessary to cycle; and, if nothing else, should I ever get pregnant, my job is very family-friendly and I have a lot of accrued time for maternity leave.
This chapter presents the concept of infertility inflicting a narcissistic injury, defined as "a feeling of damage to your sense of yourself as a whole person." The authors suggest that the solution to healing the wound is the ability to emotionally compartmentalize infertility. The authors advise that infertility must be viewed as a part of the physical body that is not working correctly. How that helps in a situation where one's partner is the infertile half of the couple I am not sure that I understand. And I just don't know that I can compartmentalize infertility. I just don't even know where to begin.
Check out some other great thoughts on this chapter here.
The authors hit the nail on the head with this one- how come we never knew about infertility until it hit us? I knew people that had "trouble getting pregnant" or recurrent losses, but I certainly didn't know anyone "infertile." Why is infertility this well-kept secret that our society wants kept under wraps?
One client ponders, "What's the point of getting married if you can't have kids?" I have asked myself this question as well. I love my husband a lot, but, in all honesty, choosing to get married was because I wanted more than just a spouse. I wanted a family- complete with babies. If we were going to remain childless that is certainly something we could have done unmarried. I feel cheated.
The authors discuss the career difficulties associated with infertility. I feel the pressure of this particular problem because I feel attached to my current job for several reasons- I need the security of my insurance; the flexibility during most of the year to go to the myriad of appointments necessary to cycle; and, if nothing else, should I ever get pregnant, my job is very family-friendly and I have a lot of accrued time for maternity leave.
This chapter presents the concept of infertility inflicting a narcissistic injury, defined as "a feeling of damage to your sense of yourself as a whole person." The authors suggest that the solution to healing the wound is the ability to emotionally compartmentalize infertility. The authors advise that infertility must be viewed as a part of the physical body that is not working correctly. How that helps in a situation where one's partner is the infertile half of the couple I am not sure that I understand. And I just don't know that I can compartmentalize infertility. I just don't even know where to begin.
Check out some other great thoughts on this chapter here.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Losing It
The Losses of Infertility- Unsung Lullabies, Chapter Three
In this chapter, the authors describe the experience of infertility as a puzzle with too many missing pieces that leaves us feeling "vulnerable and scattered, wounded, depleted, and confused, like we're running on empty." This is often how I feel- I am just exhausted by having to deal with infertility on a daily basis. And it truly is a daily assault- there is always something that makes me feel "different" than the fertile world.
The authors detail six primary losses of infertility: loss of experience of pregnancy and birth; loss of a sense of belonging; loss of being in control; loss of feeling healthy and normal; loss of feeling competent; and, loss of sexual intimacy, identity, and privacy. The loss of experiencing pregnancy and birth revolves around the loss of one's reproductive story- parenthood does not come in the form and manner which meets our long-held expectations, hopes, and dreams. It's not so much the actual pregnancy experience, but all of the associations that go along with it- the showers, the announcement to family, etc. Reading the blogs of the women who are pregnant following infertility or loss, I can see how even though they have achieved pregnancy that they are robbed of truly experiencing the wonders of it.
The loss of belonging is a big issue for me. We are literally the only married couple at church who do not have children and every time I turn around another one is pregnant again. I sense their inability to talk to me or the unspoken "if you had children, you would understand." I feel disassociated from my peer group.
The point that resonated with me from this chapter was, "When you take on the identity of infertility patient, you are forced to define yourself differently. You no longer feel that you can rely on yourself; you have lost not only your self-esteem, but also the sense of your own competence. You are in pieces rather than whole - as if someone has kicked the table on which your jigsaw puzzle is resting. You become consumed with trying to regain cohesion, so you can recognize yourself again." This is exactly how I feel- as if I am searching for who I used to be before infertility began to define me.
How Can I Be An Adult If I Don't Become A Parent- Chapter Four
This chapter dealt with issues that I haven't experienced. I don't feel that the dynamic between my parents is such that they view me as a child. I have related to my parents as equals for much of my life. And as far as autonomy goes, I threw down that gauntlet pretty strongly when I decided to move upon getting married to a location of which they disapprove and made clear they would never visit.
Move on to read another perspective of these chapters here.
In this chapter, the authors describe the experience of infertility as a puzzle with too many missing pieces that leaves us feeling "vulnerable and scattered, wounded, depleted, and confused, like we're running on empty." This is often how I feel- I am just exhausted by having to deal with infertility on a daily basis. And it truly is a daily assault- there is always something that makes me feel "different" than the fertile world.
The authors detail six primary losses of infertility: loss of experience of pregnancy and birth; loss of a sense of belonging; loss of being in control; loss of feeling healthy and normal; loss of feeling competent; and, loss of sexual intimacy, identity, and privacy. The loss of experiencing pregnancy and birth revolves around the loss of one's reproductive story- parenthood does not come in the form and manner which meets our long-held expectations, hopes, and dreams. It's not so much the actual pregnancy experience, but all of the associations that go along with it- the showers, the announcement to family, etc. Reading the blogs of the women who are pregnant following infertility or loss, I can see how even though they have achieved pregnancy that they are robbed of truly experiencing the wonders of it.
The loss of belonging is a big issue for me. We are literally the only married couple at church who do not have children and every time I turn around another one is pregnant again. I sense their inability to talk to me or the unspoken "if you had children, you would understand." I feel disassociated from my peer group.
The point that resonated with me from this chapter was, "When you take on the identity of infertility patient, you are forced to define yourself differently. You no longer feel that you can rely on yourself; you have lost not only your self-esteem, but also the sense of your own competence. You are in pieces rather than whole - as if someone has kicked the table on which your jigsaw puzzle is resting. You become consumed with trying to regain cohesion, so you can recognize yourself again." This is exactly how I feel- as if I am searching for who I used to be before infertility began to define me.
How Can I Be An Adult If I Don't Become A Parent- Chapter Four
This chapter dealt with issues that I haven't experienced. I don't feel that the dynamic between my parents is such that they view me as a child. I have related to my parents as equals for much of my life. And as far as autonomy goes, I threw down that gauntlet pretty strongly when I decided to move upon getting married to a location of which they disapprove and made clear they would never visit.
Move on to read another perspective of these chapters here.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Your Reproductive Story- Unsung Lullabies Chapter 2
From even the title of this chapter, I was intrigued. Finally, someone was putting into words what my most difficult struggle with infertility has been- my expectations (my hopes, dreams, beliefs) of becoming a parent have been completely eroded by infertility. This is a concept my husband doesn't seem to understand- he tells me I focus too much on the process and all that matters is that somehow, someday we end up as parents. Personally, I'd just as soon know the how and when, thank you very much.
The authors posit that each of us has a unique reproductive story made up of the images that we acquire from a lifetime of interactions, including our interactions with our own parents. I always knew that having babies wasn't an easy thing. I knew about the miscarriage before my birth and the six losses (some late in pregnancy) after that my mother suffered through. I knew that losing babies was a reality and my psyche somehow absorbed that fact. But no one ever explained about male factor infertility- there wasn't even a screen for that radar to appear.
I wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember. Because I was a teenager when my two sisters came along, I got a taste of mommyhood. I did my share of bottles, diapers, and late nights (probably more than my share since I was only 14) in taking care of them. I was the only kid in high school who had two baby seats in my back seat and it was my job to pick them up from the babysitter and preschool. As a result, I didn't have idealized notions of what having children really means, but I have been ready for so long to have a baby to call my own.
This chapter also gives the example of the internal timetable being off balance. This is exactly how I feel. I had a plan, damnit, and it's not working out in the time and manner it was supposed to. I ended up getting married later in life than I had planned, but still within the realm of reproductive normalcy for my peers. We waited a little over a year after the wedding to start to ttc and after we had purchased a house- the house with the perfect nursery. We did it right and in the right order. And now here we sit more than twenty months later and very little hope of a pregnancy in this calendar year, forget a baby. I was supposed to be working on baby #2 by now.
The final part of the chapter deals with writing out one's resproductive story and the benefits of journalling. The authors suggest having both partners write out his or her story. I think this is a wonderful idea, but fear DH wouldn't participate. From what I have gleaned, he does have a reproductive story but it seems to revolve more on interactions with an older child (I believe he is stumped by infants). I feel my blog serves the other purposes of journalling as described by the authors- finding an outlet for feelings and tracking medical procedures. I like to imagine that the authors would be quite happy with our little blog ring of discussion.
To read further thoughts about this chapter, check out this blog
The authors posit that each of us has a unique reproductive story made up of the images that we acquire from a lifetime of interactions, including our interactions with our own parents. I always knew that having babies wasn't an easy thing. I knew about the miscarriage before my birth and the six losses (some late in pregnancy) after that my mother suffered through. I knew that losing babies was a reality and my psyche somehow absorbed that fact. But no one ever explained about male factor infertility- there wasn't even a screen for that radar to appear.
I wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember. Because I was a teenager when my two sisters came along, I got a taste of mommyhood. I did my share of bottles, diapers, and late nights (probably more than my share since I was only 14) in taking care of them. I was the only kid in high school who had two baby seats in my back seat and it was my job to pick them up from the babysitter and preschool. As a result, I didn't have idealized notions of what having children really means, but I have been ready for so long to have a baby to call my own.
This chapter also gives the example of the internal timetable being off balance. This is exactly how I feel. I had a plan, damnit, and it's not working out in the time and manner it was supposed to. I ended up getting married later in life than I had planned, but still within the realm of reproductive normalcy for my peers. We waited a little over a year after the wedding to start to ttc and after we had purchased a house- the house with the perfect nursery. We did it right and in the right order. And now here we sit more than twenty months later and very little hope of a pregnancy in this calendar year, forget a baby. I was supposed to be working on baby #2 by now.
The final part of the chapter deals with writing out one's resproductive story and the benefits of journalling. The authors suggest having both partners write out his or her story. I think this is a wonderful idea, but fear DH wouldn't participate. From what I have gleaned, he does have a reproductive story but it seems to revolve more on interactions with an older child (I believe he is stumped by infants). I feel my blog serves the other purposes of journalling as described by the authors- finding an outlet for feelings and tracking medical procedures. I like to imagine that the authors would be quite happy with our little blog ring of discussion.
To read further thoughts about this chapter, check out this blog
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Unsung Lullabies- Intro and Chapter 1
Introduction
I have to admit I got a little nervous in reading the introduction to the book because all of the authors are psychologists. I am not so much the touchy-feely, explore my psyche type. And I am embarassed to admit that I think counseling is great-for other people. Growing up in my dysfunctional family, keeping things private was always emphasized and the thought of extensively discussing my feelings with a stranger still sort of leaves me queasy. However, it seems that the good doctors intend to rely more on their own infertility experiences, which are extensive, and those of their patients without too much of the deep psychological digging that transcends infertility. And I certainly appreciate the male perspective given by one of the authors.
Chapter One- This Isn't How It Was Supposed To Be
The title of this chapter says it all- the beginning of the shattered dreams. Gone is the concept of a child conceived as a product of the marriage bed, traded in for doctor's appointments and schedule arrangements for treatment cycles.
In this chapter, the authors introduce the concept of "reproductive trauma." My first reaction to this was the thought that trauma seemed a pretty extreme description for infertility. But the authors' definition of a trauma is "any event or feeling that goes beyond the range of usual human experience and is overwhelming either physically, emotionally, or both." Infertility certainly qualifies for that. And it is the ongoing nature of the repeated trauma cycle after unsuccessful cycle that really provides the most devastation. I often ask myself how much longer I can continue this madness, but what other option do I have?
In sum, we are off to an interesting start with Unsung Lullabies and I am curious to see where the authors go, especially a more thorough discussion of male factor infertility.
To continue with the Unsung Lullabies discussion, go here.
I have to admit I got a little nervous in reading the introduction to the book because all of the authors are psychologists. I am not so much the touchy-feely, explore my psyche type. And I am embarassed to admit that I think counseling is great-for other people. Growing up in my dysfunctional family, keeping things private was always emphasized and the thought of extensively discussing my feelings with a stranger still sort of leaves me queasy. However, it seems that the good doctors intend to rely more on their own infertility experiences, which are extensive, and those of their patients without too much of the deep psychological digging that transcends infertility. And I certainly appreciate the male perspective given by one of the authors.
Chapter One- This Isn't How It Was Supposed To Be
The title of this chapter says it all- the beginning of the shattered dreams. Gone is the concept of a child conceived as a product of the marriage bed, traded in for doctor's appointments and schedule arrangements for treatment cycles.
In this chapter, the authors introduce the concept of "reproductive trauma." My first reaction to this was the thought that trauma seemed a pretty extreme description for infertility. But the authors' definition of a trauma is "any event or feeling that goes beyond the range of usual human experience and is overwhelming either physically, emotionally, or both." Infertility certainly qualifies for that. And it is the ongoing nature of the repeated trauma cycle after unsuccessful cycle that really provides the most devastation. I often ask myself how much longer I can continue this madness, but what other option do I have?
In sum, we are off to an interesting start with Unsung Lullabies and I am curious to see where the authors go, especially a more thorough discussion of male factor infertility.
To continue with the Unsung Lullabies discussion, go here.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Unsung Lullabies
Thanks to dayz of rain, some of us in the blogosphere will be discussing Unsung Lullabies.
I must admit I have read (probably more than) my share of books on infertility. I am an information junkie. It helps to soothe me and placate my anxiety to know as much as I possibly can about any subject that affects me. Although I think I can learn something from this book, I believe that the biggest benefit will be getting to "hash it out" with others in the same infertility struggle. I often read these sorts of books and want to dissect what they are discussing and have no outlet, so I am eager to hear what strikes others and how they process the information in this particular book.
Updated to add:
Follow along on our blog ring and check out what Barb has to say here.
I must admit I have read (probably more than) my share of books on infertility. I am an information junkie. It helps to soothe me and placate my anxiety to know as much as I possibly can about any subject that affects me. Although I think I can learn something from this book, I believe that the biggest benefit will be getting to "hash it out" with others in the same infertility struggle. I often read these sorts of books and want to dissect what they are discussing and have no outlet, so I am eager to hear what strikes others and how they process the information in this particular book.
Updated to add:
Follow along on our blog ring and check out what Barb has to say here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)