I hesitated to write this post on this blog because I try to keep it infertility-related, for the most part, but as I was writing a link started to emerge.
I didn't leave a comment on Melissa's fantastic first or second post about breastfeeding. I kept trying to because I wanted to support her and be in total agreement. But I would just well up whenever I tried to come up with a rational thought, so I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones and tried not to feel too guilty for not being more supportive of someone who never fails to lend her support.
And then I read about the Similac formula recall and posted about it on Facebook. And a "friend" posted about it as well with the comment that this is why she didn't used formula. I suggested to her that she could be more sensitive since breastfeeding wasn't an option for everyone and suggested she look at Melissa's posts. A virtual "feud" ensued. We have "de-friended" each other and it's no great loss, but I'm still rankled by the exchange.
I have never written, except in the briefest passing, about my breastfeeding experience. About how my failed induction caused my blood sugar to drop below 50 and require glucose. That those wonky sugars and the treatment for them combined with not eating for two days in which I never dilated past three cm after having my water manually broken meant that my son was born with low blood sugar and was given formula in an attempt to stabilize it before I was even out of recovery and able to hold him. How I tried and tried everything the lactation consultant suggested in the hospital, and during phone consultations and in follow-up appointments. How much I yearned to be able to feed my baby "the best way" despite the fact that he came home sucking down four ounces of formula at a time. How I "power-pumped" eight times a day and never got more than three ounces total for the entire day from both breasts. How the one time I actually got four ounces and cried because that was a whole bottle of breast milk for him at a time when he was taking in 24 ounces a day.
And why did I want so much to breastfeed- because it was "best." And damnit, I had waited so long (although recognizably not as long as many) for this baby, everything had to be the "best." I was going to be like all the other mothers, for a change. I was part of the "in crowd" now, I was no longer a childless infertile, I was a mama. And breastfeeding is what mamas do.
Nine weeks of crying every single time I pumped because I had to set my baby (who wanted to be held all the time) down and listen to him cry while I futilely produced dribbles that wouldn't even constitute an entire bottle. I finally stopped. I think my husband thought I was going crazy and maybe I was. Although I would periodically try to put him to the breast to no avail. And very doctor's appointment I took him too, I had to reply that he was formula fed. I had to wonder if he was sick because he wasn't getting the "best" with all its alleged immunity properties. The guilt lie around every corner.
And reading Melissa's gorgeously raw posts, I realize I didn't even have it that bad. It's not as if my child was starving or not thriving or in the NICU or premature or any of those other anxiety-producing, heart-wrenching situations that others have to grapple with. Melissa said it best: Any time we name something “best” and ignore all other possibilities, we are being inflammatory.
So, why can't others get it? Why does there have to be judgment rendered, explicit or implied? Why do they give a damn what someone else is feeding her baby? Why the need for moral superiority if one is a successful breastfeeder? Can't we just ask someone to be sensitive and her to say, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize, I will be more cognizant in the future?"
As I pondered these ideas and found myself unable to sleep, I found it so much like the interminable debates over language on message boards relating to trying to conceive. And how the poor infertiles keep attempting to ask for sensitive language that takes into account that some are struggling (e.g., the "finally" bombs) that is met with defensive and derisive replies. Why is it so hard for others to get that sometimes one unintentionally says something that is hurtful to another? Why is it so hard to own that? Maybe the person didn't realize. Ok, I can understand that. But learn from that experience. If even one person is hurt by the statement, why not just change it? Or at least not repeat it?
Why is it so hard for women to just stand along side each other in silent support and just not say anything?
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8 comments:
I had this same discussion in person with someone today (even started with the formula recall) and handed her Mel's article to read. She read it and totally agreed. So, sometimes, you find someone who can get it, after they hear someone else's story.
"Why is it so hard for others to get that sometimes one unintentionally says something that is hurtful to another? Why is it so hard to own that? Maybe the person didn't realize. Ok, I can understand that. But learn from that experience. If even one person is hurt by the statement, why not just change it? Or at least not repeat it?"
Hallelujah!
The Last sentence... I don't know. I wish I did. :( I love having you amazing women around me though.. even in a virtual sense.
Btw.. E was sick a lot in the beginning. He was breast fed with some formula. So I don't think it always helps. :)
I am so sorry you lost your friend over this -- I think that is the craziest part: that people can put their convictions before an actual person. There are things I feel strongly about that I want to do for myself, but short of murdering other people, I can't really say I have strong feelings about what my friends do. Because in doing so, I would be putting ideas before actual people. And I love that we're not all alike.
Very well said, sweetie. I'm glad you wrote this.
I'm struggling right now with breastfeeding. I guess I'm fortunate in that I have the milk and my newborn is taking the milk...I just really strongly dislike it. I would say hate, but even that would make me feel guilty. If an alien could drop in on me and convince me to not feel an ounce of guilt over stopping I would feel the world lifted from my shoulders.
I haven't read Mel's article yet, but I will. I have actually STOPPED reading many, many mom blogs because of the rampant judgement oozing from them on so many levels over so many issues. I said to my husband the other day that it felt like I was back in high school..that moms were more vicious than teenage girls in high school. It is so sad b/c we need support from one another now more than ever. And everything online is so polar..moms are either one way or another! I have to say the online resources, blogs, forums, etc., in retrospect, really haven't been these great arms of support for me, and I've had much less anxiety when I shut them all away and figure things out on my own.
Also, wanted to add that I read a really great statement from a psychologist who specializes in post partum depression. she commented that the rabid stance on breastfeeding is, in fact, contributing to post partum mental illness in many, many cases. I remember back in the depths of PPD I was constantly, incessently worried that my milk supply would suddenly dry up. I know my MIL and mother thought I was loosing my marbles. I also read where a woman took her own life while suffering from PPD, and her family mentioned that she lived in fear of her milk drying up. Frightening.
Your post is excellent. Thank you.
I believe it all boils down to insecurity. Not that it makes it right, but a breastfeeding mom feels "superior," because that is currently what our society says is superior. That being said, NONE of my friends or myself have breasfed beyond the first six weeks without supplementing with some formula or switching to formula altogether (for a variety of reasons from necessity to personal preference). In fact, though I was pregnant with several friends, I am the ONLY one still nursing. What is behind it, I believe, is that society has decreed "breastmilk is best," but gives little to no support beyond that. It's HARD to breastfeed EVEN when it's going "well." I have had yeast infections and mastitis to deal with in the past month, and both have been emotionally and physically draining. So many "nursing moms" are really harboring a secret - - they use formula, too! And even if they don't, they still have challenges with breastfeeding, moments of wondering if their baby is getting enough or if it's really worth it.
So, it's insecurity that causes them (or anyone else for that matter) to blast their breastmilk is best propaganda. I literally kicked the breastfeeding nazi (lactation consultant) out of my hospital room after Emma's birth because she called formula evil. I took that personally - for my own medical need to give Will (and later, Emma) formula and for all of my friend who, for WHATEVER reason, have not been able to breastfeed or have supplemented with formula.
The truth is this: WOMEN SUCK AT SUPPORTING OTHER WOMEN. Whether it's in the workplace, as moms, as friends, etc. We are all so busy trying to make ourselves feel better - by putting each other down. I, for one, am making a true effort to NOT be that kind of woman. And I hope posts like these will inspire other women to do the same.
I know this is several months late and a dollar short but with both of my children I tried to breast feed. With my daughter my health issues kept me at feeding her little bits and then turning to a bottle to fill her up. With my son my milk still never came fully in and at 8 weeks we switched from me breast feeding round the clock to a bottle.
What ever you choose or what chose you every person is different and has to find their own way.
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