"The myth that getting pregnant is effortless is so deeply embedded in our collective culture that it comes as an enormous blow when it is not easy."
The authors hit the nail on the head with this one- how come we never knew about infertility until it hit us? I knew people that had "trouble getting pregnant" or recurrent losses, but I certainly didn't know anyone "infertile." Why is infertility this well-kept secret that our society wants kept under wraps?
One client ponders, "What's the point of getting married if you can't have kids?" I have asked myself this question as well. I love my husband a lot, but, in all honesty, choosing to get married was because I wanted more than just a spouse. I wanted a family- complete with babies. If we were going to remain childless that is certainly something we could have done unmarried. I feel cheated.
The authors discuss the career difficulties associated with infertility. I feel the pressure of this particular problem because I feel attached to my current job for several reasons- I need the security of my insurance; the flexibility during most of the year to go to the myriad of appointments necessary to cycle; and, if nothing else, should I ever get pregnant, my job is very family-friendly and I have a lot of accrued time for maternity leave.
This chapter presents the concept of infertility inflicting a narcissistic injury, defined as "a feeling of damage to your sense of yourself as a whole person." The authors suggest that the solution to healing the wound is the ability to emotionally compartmentalize infertility. The authors advise that infertility must be viewed as a part of the physical body that is not working correctly. How that helps in a situation where one's partner is the infertile half of the couple I am not sure that I understand. And I just don't know that I can compartmentalize infertility. I just don't even know where to begin.
Check out some other great thoughts on this chapter here.
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7 comments:
WOW - excellent post!
I totally understand... about two main points
1. The part about compartmentalizing and dealing when it's the other person/partner who has the "problem"
and
2. The part about getting married BECAUSE you wanted a family (and that's the "right" way to do it.
I too feel that had I not wanted a family I would not have needed to get married. I would have been just fine keeping our finances totally separate - you manage yours and I manage mine - and keeping MY house and MY investments MINE. No muss no fuss.
But I wanted/want a family. And when you want a family, you get married. That's the way it's supposed to be done...
Nice and succinct. I wish I could do that! I'm too verbose!
GREAT point about the job. I've thought about that one too, but didn't bring it up in this chapter review. Part of me feels a bit tied to this job because of benefits, seniority etc... yet I don't have the thing that is supposedly tying me here. blah.
Compartmentalize? You must be joshing with me?! I know that LOGICALLY that makes sense (and I believe my therapist has suggested the exact same thing), but c'mon. How to you separate such an essential part of yourself from the rest? Being infertile messes with too much. . . your identity as a woman, your place in society, your sex life, I could go on, but you get what I am saying. Did they give any tips on how to do this?
It's funny to read this post right after reading your post about vasectomies (to which I've also posted a reply).
You write, "choosing to get married was because I wanted more than just a spouse. I wanted a family." Yeah, me too. As the wife of a vasectomized man, trust me, knowing you're marrying someone who cannot have kids doesn't change that. Two things that influenced my deciding to marry him anyway (beyond the "love him a lot" bit, as you mention) -- one, I knew he was a great father, knew because I saw him with his kids (now my stepkids), two, I figured the great irony of the universe would bite me in the butt if I chose not to marry him because he couldn't have kids, and that I, too, would turn out to be infertile. Turns out that marrying him didn't protect me from that.
And, in terms of the experience of infertility, believe me the fact that it started with a vasectomy doesn't change the impact(s) on my career...or my inability to compartmentalize what started as his choice (albeit in a very different context) but became my life...
You know what's interesting? For all of my introspection on infertility -- I'm not ready to read this book -- and I admire your thoughtful responses to it.
This strikes me:"a feeling of damage to your sense of yourself as a whole person."
I feel that -- just last night I was telling a friend that it's this enveloping sense of failure, somehow...compartmentalize eh?
I wonder if I can do that.
I really enjoyed our meeting btw! We'll have to drum up some more locals for next month!
Pam
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this book. Your comments have made me realize some things that were under the surface, things that I felt but couldn't articulate. The myth of the effortless pregnancy was a big one for me... I was so niave.
I ordered a copy for myself :)
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