Men Have Feelings Too: Chapter 6
Finally, the authors are getting into territory that I wish more infertility books would address-the effect of infertility on men. For that matter, I would be over the moon if there was a book on male infertility alone. The few that exists are either out-of-date or not really helpful. Even this chapter seems so basic in comparison to the more in-depth chapters that have preceded it.
The first part of the chapter discusses men's reproductive stories and if I had to wager a guess I would bet that DH falls into the category of wanting children some day, but not really wanting to think about it much in the here and now.
DH doesn't often discuss his infertility, but occasionally he makes self-deprecating remarks that hit me to the core about being "broken" and the like. It's times like those when I wish it was me who had the diagnosis. But for most of this infertility journey, he seems so much less bothered by the things that are so hurtful to me.
The authors describe one man who is "fed up with it all" and "tired of her tears because there is nothing I can do to stop them." DH has often expressed similar feelings- he hates to see me cry and feels powerless to make this situation better.
Ultimately, I was disappointed in the short shrift that this chapter gave to the male part of this relationship. And the authors' lumping in vasectomy reversal in this category did nothing more than annoy me.
Relationships on Fire: Chapter 7
The authors detail how differing coping styles can come to a crucial head when a relationship is dealt the blow of infertility. The example of one couple where he wanted to "fix" the infertility and when he couldn't he chose to switch the topic in contrast to his wife's desire to talk it out and be reassured aptly describes how my husband and I have reacted. The authors suggest that the way to resolve the differences in coping styles is for each spouse to accept that their partner's response is reasonable and to empathize with his individual approach. Although I can understand why logically this might work, I don't know that it can actually make one feel better.
"Relationships crack along existing fault lines when something as earthshaking as infertility hits." This statement perfectly defines the effect of infertility on a relationship. The topics we fought over before infertility, we still fight over but with an added twist. The authors recommend remembering that infertility is only a chapter in the story of a couple's life together. I imagine when we're 80 that this will seem just another bump in the road.
To read some additional thoughts on these chapters, check out
Fertility Challenged in Florida.
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4 comments:
It doesn't seem like the world as a whole knows a lot about male infertility.
I completely understand what you're saying about the male aspect in this book. I'll get to my post soon, I promise. :)
I hope for that feeling too - that 'remember when it felt so awful --how different it is now!'
BTW -- I would NEVER ignore you in a coffee shop...:) You know I had one person tell me there was my lookalike walking around...now I know it's true!
We all have to get our Twin Cities Contingent together again in March!
Pam
"The authors suggest that the way to resolve the differences in coping styles is for each spouse to accept that their partner's response is reasonable and to empathize with his individual approach. "
My coping = emotions and talking
His coping = no emotions or talking
How can we both simultaneously be empathetic if we are opposite? You see what I'm saying? In practice that statement translates into: let your man be quite alone and don't expect him to comfort you. That sounds to me a heckuva lot like me being empathetic to his needs but not visa versa.
This is, IMO, a common and unfair recommendation made in texts about relationships. When does the man have a responsibility to be sensitive and caring to me? Logic says there has to be a time if our goal is "fair".
/endrant
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