Dealing with the World: Unsung Lullabies, Chapter 9

The point of this chapter is to assist the infertile in how to get through the inevitable aches of the daily insensitivities and reminders of infertility. The authors point out that one can only protect herself so much. Unless one lives under a rock, there really is no way to avoid the onslaught of reminders. There is inevitably going to be the comments or experience that pit the infertiles, as the have-nots, against the haves. The authors advise that a remedy is to remember to own up to the feelings of anger, sadness, self-pity and acknowledge the normalcy of such feelings under the circumstances.

The authors also up self-talk as the solution to feeling bad about these encounters. Focusing on what one does have (intellect, career, etc.) is a positive reinforcement that infertility does not define one. But the thing is I don't feel inadequate by these experiences- I just feel saddened and left out and no amount of bolstering is going to change the circumstance. One helpful point that the authors address is preparing responses to the inevitable stinging remarks. As I come farther out of the infertility closet, I am finding these interactions a little easier in that I usually snap off a sarcastic remark. I find it difficult to let an "educational moment" slide. Unless DH is with me because he doesn't like to bring it up.

This chapter also delves into the topic of how much to tell one's family. We have been fairly upfront with our families since last summer (mostly as a result of finding out my cystic fibrosis carrier status) although I haven't been very upfront about the cause of our infertility with my parents. This chapter also helped to break a stalemate between DH and I about asking his parents for money to help finance ivf. The authors strongly encourage asking for help where there would not be strings attached. DH has strongly felt that we should ask his parents for financial help. They are wonderful people who are extraordinarily generous. And I know they could afford to help us. And they are thankfully not like my parents for whom money = strings. I just hate having to ask someone else for money. I know they wouldn't let us pay them back because that is just how they are. The books makes the same point that DH has made over and over that his parents have an investment in our children because that is an extension of their reproductive stories. So, on the advice of the book, I have to say I caved on this issue.

The authors briefly address how to deal with friends. I must admit that my solution to dealing with many of my friends is that those who are not understanding, I just don't really have time for right now. Dealing with infertility as it relates to work has been the most difficult. With the exception of one coworker, no one knows of our infertility and I plan to keep it that way.

The chapter ends with a section title that I want to whole-heartedly embrace "You are coping, even though it may not feel like it."

As you struggle to find your footing, please keep in mind that it's all right to laugh, or cry, or get angry; it's all right to feel all the crazy things you're feeling. Feeling one way in the morning and another in the evening is not only okay, it's to be expected. It's all right to hide when you need to, just as it's all right to reach out to others. You are not alone in this- although it often feels as if you are.

Keep reading about this chapter, here.