This post is an explanation of what started my Easter weekend to put me in the self-pity mode.
I was lucky enough to spend most of Friday at the spa. For Christmas, DH had purchased me a package that included a facial, a massage, a pedicure, deep condition and blowout, and lunch. Every single one of the technicians (what is the proper term here?) asked me if I had children, but the one that got me was the conversation that took place during my pedicure.
I was sitting there zoning out with my feet in the bubbly water, when a woman sat down in the chair next to me. Apparently, she hadn't been in for a pedicure since before the birth of her eight-month-old. So, she and her pedicurist proceeded to chatter on incessantly about babies, specifically her baby. I guess, my dirty looks (since we were in the "quiet area") weren't evil enough. Picking up on their conversation (but obviously not my consternation) my pedicurist asked me if I had children. When I said no, she replied that I was smart. I can't even express how much I wanted to hit her. I just looked at her with the most disdainful expression I could muster and used my steely cross-examination voice to say, "It is not by choice." She just gasped out an awkward, "Oh."
I seem to have reached a point in this infertility journey that I am unwilling to say the "right" and easy thing and let people "off the hook" for their insensitive comments. I am not angry or "bitter" about it, just matter-of-fact. Infertility exists and I hate that no one ever talks about it or only discusses it in the shadows (usually in shame or fear). I resent the fertile assumption that one has control over the reproductive process. And I am no longer willing to breach the awkwardness and silence. Let 'em soak in their stupid comments.
And to add insult to injury, my regular stylist is pregnant. When I saw her in January, she told me about her first-ever IUI on her second month of Clomid. This was for child number 3, the first two involved no fertility issues. Of course, I figured it would work for her. And it has. And now she is showing. She is aware of our situation, but I just don't think I want to deal with her pregnant belly for my two-hour-plus appointments. So, I have to decide whether I am on the look out for a new stylist. And I have to decide fast because my roots are starting to show something awful.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
I am very very much in the same place that you are in regards to how I answer comments. I refuse to just play polite anymore, and if I don't like their assvice, I tell them. I'm not mean about it, just honest and blunt.
For example, at Easter Dinner, a family member trotted out the, "when you go to adopt, you'll get pregnant." That's when I told them that I'm not adopting to become pregnant. Then they told me that patience was a virtue and that it will definitely happen. (meaning bio children). That's when I said, "It may or it may not. We have to learn to accept the reality."
I was quite proud. ;-)
People are so rude. Good for you.
"I seem to have reached a point in this infertility journey that I am unwilling to say the "right" and easy thing and let people "off the hook" for their insensitive comments."
Ditto!
Couldnt have said it better! As some one who is not naturally nice and more of a sarcastic smart@ss, my patience with these comments is gone.
Good luck deciding about the hairstylist.
Amen, sister. I don't sugar coat anything anymore. If it makes people uncomfortable, sorry. But it's not like I'm exactly COMFORTABLE with being infertile.
I'd ask your stylist if she has someone she could refer you to. I'd actually be honest and tell her it's nothing personal, but you are trying to limit your exposure to pg bellies for now. You can always go back to her later.
Am so sorry your spa day didn't turn out as relaxing as you so deserved. I got the random inquiries ALL THE TIME from people at work that don't know how to make any other kind of small talk. I can relate to how insane it can drive a person. {{Hugs}}
It sucks that your relaxing spa day was marred like that. :(
I think I understand where you're coming from. I'm very accustomed to being a 'nice girl' and not rocking the boat, but I've heard one too many pieces of assvice to remain that way. Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of, it's not like we had a choice in the matter. Perhaps I can do my small part to educate people rather than just burying the pain.
BRAVO for saying something to that technician. I agree that we should no longer protect the ignorant from their hurtful comments. Why should we suffer in silence??!!! When I received that "you are lucky, you don't have kids comment" I always replied with something sharp, like what you said. Let people feel bad. That may be the only way to sensitize them.
I am sorry that what could have been a perfect day in the spa had hurtful elements.....
As for the stylist, go to someone else. There's no need to torture yourself. At least, that is what my therapist has told me many times. Make life as easy for yourself as you can....
(Don't those roots come in fast? Ugh)
XOXO
Good for you! I hear ya!
Luckily I don't get many of the insensitive comments like that. I must have perfected the art of avoidance of those types of people. But let me tell you, I'll be keeping this post in mind just in case!
I agree with the others - if you don't feel comfortable visiting her, switch to someone else, at least for the time being.
If you haven't found someone yet, I have a fantastic colorist at the St. Paul JUUT salon. Send me an e-mail if you want the name. Oh, and don't juge her abilities by my hair the last time you saw me. I've just been too busy and broke to go in for another foil! ;)
Post a Comment