Genetic continuity and conception with a life partner

So, the next two losses the author (Patricia Irwin Johnson) of "Adopting After Infertility" addresses are individual genetic continuity linking past and future
and the joint conception of a child with one's life partner. I had never thought to distinguish biologically-obtained children in this manner. I pretty much lumped it together in my mind- biological children equates with continuing my biolgical line and also blending it with my husband's. But I can see the value in the distinction and, surprisingly, the second is more of a loss for me than the first.

Our family is fairly matrilineal. Yes, the women have all taken their husband's names and gone the traditional route to the outside world, but in reality, it's really the women who are in charge and the men have been sort of insignificant and mostly absent. Hence, why I had very little connection to my maiden name as it was my father's. However, I feel a very strong connection to the great-grandmother I never met and for whom I am named. From pictures, I know I have her eyes (which none of my siblings or my mother or grandmother have) and from stories, I know I have her temperment. Will that connection end if my child is not biologically related to me?

The author describes this loss as "losing the expectation that we will continue the genes of our families in an unbroken blood line from some distant past into a promisting future." I have always assumed that my baby would have blue eyes- my entire family has some form and mine are so distinct, it was a given, especially when I married DH who also has blue eyes. For some odd (perhaps, vain?) reason this is truly the only "biological connection" loss that I can identify. DH has no difficulty with not knowing his own genetic connection and really could care less whether he is biologically related to his children. Of the six losses, I can rate this one as the least significant for me.

But a child of our union or "conception with a life partner," as she terms it, that is where I really feel it. Even before we got married, DH talked of our future children and how we hoped that a boy would have his enormous height and a girl would not, how they would likely have vision problems because both of us are blind as a bat, how much I hoped for a little blond boy just like his baby pictures, and how he wanted a little brunette girl with soft curls like I had when I was little. We love each other so much and I want a tangible expression of that love to manifest itself in a child. Can we still have a child who is the product of our love by raising a nonbiological child? Yes, I think so. But all those dreams and memories of "when" have to be laid to rest.

Perceived Losses

The author of "Adopting After Infertility" lists the following six losses perceived to be a consequence of permanent infertility:

1. Control over many aspects of life
2. Individual genetic continuity linking past and future
3. The joint conception of a child with one's life partner
4. The physical satisfactions of pregnancy and birth
5. The emotional gratifications of pregnancy and birth
6. The opportunity to parent

I think each one of these perceived losses is so significant and I hadn't really separated them all out in my head- I was lumping all of them together, so I am going to take an effort over the next few days to discuss my feelings on each, as an exercise in understanding how I prioritize them and why. DH has made it pretty clear that the only loss he really would have a problem with is losing the opportunity to parent, which is something that can be cured by adoption.

CONTROL.
The author details how infertile couples can feel that infertility is the cause for a loss of control in every aspect of their lives. She gives the examples of what type of car depends on whether it will be carrying children, accepting a new job depends on how it will impact insurance or flexibility for treatment, social calendars driven by the menstrual cycle, even how much coffee to drink or what underwear to wear.

I realized yesterday that a treatment cycle even dictates my apparel. I don't want to wear a skirt and hose on days that I have an appointment because it's a hassle to get off and on while a nurse is waiting for one to undress and re-dress. And I prefer to wear shoes that involve socks just because my feet get cold in the stirrups.

And I hate the not being able to plan my schedule. I knew this week would be a myriad of appointments and it made it a real pain to schedule my every day stuff that needed to be done. And that doesn't even take into account timing for injects.

This loss of control has been harder than I would have imagined. The author points out a few pages later that adoption involves an even greater loss of control. My stomach dropped when I read that. I am already at my wit's end and adoption will be even more of the unknown. Truly, how much can I take before I go stark raving mad? And yet, on the other hand, what is the alternative? At least, I am doing something- whether it be injecting and inseminating or filling out adoption paperwork and preparing for a home study. If I was doing nothing, I would feel not only without control, but powerless as well.

Adopting After Infertility

I picked up "Adopting After Infertility" on a recommendation from a few people who have adopted. I thought it might help me become more comfortable with adoption. On the contrary, I have been syrprised and it is helping me work through the decision-making of trying to conceive. The first third of the book is actually devoted to making these sorts of decisions and how much treatment to pursue and it has been remarkably helpful for me to more concretely balance all of the factors- potential loss of bio kids and/or pregnancy; importance of parenting; cost- mental, physical and financial.

As I go through the book, I am going to have quite a bit to post about. The first concept that has me pondering is that a fertile partner can "render" herself or himself infertile as a result of a partner's infertility. Although the diagnosis in our case is exclusively male factor, I have always thought of "us" as infertile. In medical reality though, DH is infertile and I have chosen to be infertile as a result of my commitment to having children with DH as my "reproductive partner" (as the book terms it).

More to come on decision making and grieving loss.