Last night, I took my first 100 mg dose of Clomid. I actually hesitated before I swallowed each of those pills- talk about very bitter pills to swallow. I felt each one go down my throat as if I was swallowing a huge blob of chalk. With those swallows, I had to finally acknowledge to myself that any baby we conceive won't be conceived like "normal people." With those swallows, my hormones are no longer in my control and now my menstrual cycle is at the hands of a doctor and drugs. I will ovulate earlier and more follicles and likely more painfully than ever before. Temps and opks are out the window, I am no longer monitoring my own body. I am not "taking charge of my fertility;" rather, my fertility is taking charge of me. I will be tricking it with meds and injecting it with hormones, watching the response to those hormones through ultrasounds and attempting to get sperm to meet egg via a catheter. In a way I never even considered before, I feel somehow violated. Something has been taken from me.
With this Clomid, I am crossing a threshold that I can never get back. I am one of "those" women. I realize a lot of women take Clomid (although I see this as more than just taking Clomid and as the first step to the injects next week and the IUIs) and it's not that big of a deal. However, in a way I don't truly understand it's a painful reminder of the infertility. I wonder if the fact that my coworker is due this week has anything to do with my feelings. She started trying AFTER we did and now she has a baby and I am taking drugs.
I have to shamefully admit how much resentment I felt for my husband when taking those pills. Why do I have to subject MY body to all of this because his doesn't work? Men whose wives have the infertility diagnosis are only inconvenienced to the tune of masturbating in a cup. Why is medical science such that infertility is a women's issue even when it's not her physical problem?
I am grateful that there is at least this to try, but with the swallowing of those pills, the dream is gone.
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4 comments:
I understand your feelings. I've been there too. I had a lot of conflicted emotions about my first iui. Vent away.
I guess since our bodies do the most in this transaction, we, by default, end up with the most responsbility in it.
xo
I hear you loud and clear on this one--we do have to go through a lot!
Best of luck--Ill be checkin in on you!
I felt the same way with starting the Clomid. Especially the 100mg after the 50mg failed me. It was then I knew that our conception would never be "natural".
I believe that women go through so much with IF because men couldn't handle it. At least it helps me to look at it that way :)
XOXO
Found you through cyclesista.
Infertility is a series of losses. How much we'll loose we don't know until we reach the end. Our first loss is the "natural conception" loss. It's a tough road.
In the end, holding that baby, everything will fade away. That's my hope.
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