From Midwest Resolve
Advocacy Day for The Family Building Act of Minnesota
Over the last year, a small, but passionate group of volunteers have been meeting to draft a bill, entitled The Family Building Act of Minnesota, which will be presented to the Minnesota legislature. This bill would call for expanded benefit coverage for infertility treatments. We need your help to raise the public’s awareness of the disease of infertility. In particular, we need to make sure our decision makers in the Minnesota legislature understand what the issue is and why they need to lend their support to this bill. Together we can make a difference, but we need your help! There are two upcoming events where we need your attendance and help:
Volunteer Information Session
When: Saturday, February 16, 2008
Time: 9:00AM-10:30AM
Where: JRA Financial
7373 Kirkwood Court N., Maple Grove, MN 55369
Note: please enter on backside of building
What: We will summarize the proposed bill(s), the process of making a bill into law and where we currently stand in the process. In addition we will cover tips for talking with legislators and how you can help.
Advocacy Day at the Minnesota State Capitol
When: Thursday, February 28, 2008
Time: 8:00AM 4:00PM
What: This event involves meeting with several legislators to share our stories and educate them on the facts of infertility and why it’s
important for them to support new legislation.
Who: Everyone is welcome to join us for all or part of the day.
Cost: FREE (except for parking and/or lunch)
Schedule:
8:00AM: Steps of the Capitol to greet legislators and carry signs
9:00AM: Best Western - Kelly Inn, 161 St. Anthony Ave. #A, St. Paul, for an information session, then head to the Minnesota State Capitol together.
10:00AM: Appointments with legislators begin
12:00PM : Lunch in the cafeteria
12:45-4:00PM: Appointments for the remainder of the day
In addition to your attendance at the events mentioned above, there are other ways to help...
You can contact your state representative and schedule a meeting to discuss this issue.
You can send a letter to your state representative asking for their support of this bill. To locate your state representative, visit http://geo.commissions.leg.state.mn.us/districts/start.html.
Thank you for your time and consideration. This is our chance to make a difference for those suffering from the disease of infertility in the state of Minnesota.
Questions? Please contact Daonna Depoister by email at dadepoister at yahoo or by phone 763-559-1890.
*Some of whom I got to meet last week and need to blog about that experience.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Losing It
The Losses of Infertility- Unsung Lullabies, Chapter Three
In this chapter, the authors describe the experience of infertility as a puzzle with too many missing pieces that leaves us feeling "vulnerable and scattered, wounded, depleted, and confused, like we're running on empty." This is often how I feel- I am just exhausted by having to deal with infertility on a daily basis. And it truly is a daily assault- there is always something that makes me feel "different" than the fertile world.
The authors detail six primary losses of infertility: loss of experience of pregnancy and birth; loss of a sense of belonging; loss of being in control; loss of feeling healthy and normal; loss of feeling competent; and, loss of sexual intimacy, identity, and privacy. The loss of experiencing pregnancy and birth revolves around the loss of one's reproductive story- parenthood does not come in the form and manner which meets our long-held expectations, hopes, and dreams. It's not so much the actual pregnancy experience, but all of the associations that go along with it- the showers, the announcement to family, etc. Reading the blogs of the women who are pregnant following infertility or loss, I can see how even though they have achieved pregnancy that they are robbed of truly experiencing the wonders of it.
The loss of belonging is a big issue for me. We are literally the only married couple at church who do not have children and every time I turn around another one is pregnant again. I sense their inability to talk to me or the unspoken "if you had children, you would understand." I feel disassociated from my peer group.
The point that resonated with me from this chapter was, "When you take on the identity of infertility patient, you are forced to define yourself differently. You no longer feel that you can rely on yourself; you have lost not only your self-esteem, but also the sense of your own competence. You are in pieces rather than whole - as if someone has kicked the table on which your jigsaw puzzle is resting. You become consumed with trying to regain cohesion, so you can recognize yourself again." This is exactly how I feel- as if I am searching for who I used to be before infertility began to define me.
How Can I Be An Adult If I Don't Become A Parent- Chapter Four
This chapter dealt with issues that I haven't experienced. I don't feel that the dynamic between my parents is such that they view me as a child. I have related to my parents as equals for much of my life. And as far as autonomy goes, I threw down that gauntlet pretty strongly when I decided to move upon getting married to a location of which they disapprove and made clear they would never visit.
Move on to read another perspective of these chapters here.
In this chapter, the authors describe the experience of infertility as a puzzle with too many missing pieces that leaves us feeling "vulnerable and scattered, wounded, depleted, and confused, like we're running on empty." This is often how I feel- I am just exhausted by having to deal with infertility on a daily basis. And it truly is a daily assault- there is always something that makes me feel "different" than the fertile world.
The authors detail six primary losses of infertility: loss of experience of pregnancy and birth; loss of a sense of belonging; loss of being in control; loss of feeling healthy and normal; loss of feeling competent; and, loss of sexual intimacy, identity, and privacy. The loss of experiencing pregnancy and birth revolves around the loss of one's reproductive story- parenthood does not come in the form and manner which meets our long-held expectations, hopes, and dreams. It's not so much the actual pregnancy experience, but all of the associations that go along with it- the showers, the announcement to family, etc. Reading the blogs of the women who are pregnant following infertility or loss, I can see how even though they have achieved pregnancy that they are robbed of truly experiencing the wonders of it.
The loss of belonging is a big issue for me. We are literally the only married couple at church who do not have children and every time I turn around another one is pregnant again. I sense their inability to talk to me or the unspoken "if you had children, you would understand." I feel disassociated from my peer group.
The point that resonated with me from this chapter was, "When you take on the identity of infertility patient, you are forced to define yourself differently. You no longer feel that you can rely on yourself; you have lost not only your self-esteem, but also the sense of your own competence. You are in pieces rather than whole - as if someone has kicked the table on which your jigsaw puzzle is resting. You become consumed with trying to regain cohesion, so you can recognize yourself again." This is exactly how I feel- as if I am searching for who I used to be before infertility began to define me.
How Can I Be An Adult If I Don't Become A Parent- Chapter Four
This chapter dealt with issues that I haven't experienced. I don't feel that the dynamic between my parents is such that they view me as a child. I have related to my parents as equals for much of my life. And as far as autonomy goes, I threw down that gauntlet pretty strongly when I decided to move upon getting married to a location of which they disapprove and made clear they would never visit.
Move on to read another perspective of these chapters here.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
No free babies!
Yes, I resent all free babies. All babies who were not obtained after having to pay for some form of medical assistance are "free" and difficult for me not to resent.
ETA- I think I should expand my definition to also include babies who are a product of lots of time and effort to conceive as well. As hoping4baby points out in her comment, that is certainly a cost.
Last week, we had a nutrition class, which was led by a (rather) young and (too) thin woman who mentioned that she was just back from maternity leave and was back on the plan to lose her "baby weight." [As an aside, I am not sure where this "weight" was because a stiff wind could have blown her over, but that's another vent session.] When we were driving home, I mentioned to DH that I would prefer to avoid her in future as I didn't need to hear this skinny little girl talk about her baby or how hard it was for her to lose the two ounces she must have gained with pregnancy. DH asked me if I ever do get pregnant, wwould I still resent other women who had babies or pregnancies? I answered, unequivocally, "Yes, I do and likely will continue to resent all free babies."
He doesn't understand why the pregnancies of others or the resulting babies bothers me. Just because it's hard for us is no reason in his mind to resent the ease other people experience. He can completely differentiate the two experiences and feels that one does not affect the other. I have tried all of my lawyerly powers of persuasion and analogy to try to give him a metaphor for this phenomenon, all to no avail. I am at my wit's end. And his lack of resentment makes me feel small.
ETA- I think I should expand my definition to also include babies who are a product of lots of time and effort to conceive as well. As hoping4baby points out in her comment, that is certainly a cost.
Last week, we had a nutrition class, which was led by a (rather) young and (too) thin woman who mentioned that she was just back from maternity leave and was back on the plan to lose her "baby weight." [As an aside, I am not sure where this "weight" was because a stiff wind could have blown her over, but that's another vent session.] When we were driving home, I mentioned to DH that I would prefer to avoid her in future as I didn't need to hear this skinny little girl talk about her baby or how hard it was for her to lose the two ounces she must have gained with pregnancy. DH asked me if I ever do get pregnant, wwould I still resent other women who had babies or pregnancies? I answered, unequivocally, "Yes, I do and likely will continue to resent all free babies."
He doesn't understand why the pregnancies of others or the resulting babies bothers me. Just because it's hard for us is no reason in his mind to resent the ease other people experience. He can completely differentiate the two experiences and feels that one does not affect the other. I have tried all of my lawyerly powers of persuasion and analogy to try to give him a metaphor for this phenomenon, all to no avail. I am at my wit's end. And his lack of resentment makes me feel small.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Menstruation
I really hate having my period.
Not just the not being pregnant reminder, but the entire proces of menstruation. I have been suffering through this monthly process for nearly twenty-five years now (yes, menarche when I was nine- such fun). It's more than just the physical symptoms- cramps, bloating, nausea- which I could certainly do without. It defines my mood and my wardrobe and not usually for the better.
I am sure there exists feminist literature that would disclaim my loathing of menstruation and claim it is some subversion by the patriarchy, but, seriously, it just flatly disgusts me.
Not just the not being pregnant reminder, but the entire proces of menstruation. I have been suffering through this monthly process for nearly twenty-five years now (yes, menarche when I was nine- such fun). It's more than just the physical symptoms- cramps, bloating, nausea- which I could certainly do without. It defines my mood and my wardrobe and not usually for the better.
I am sure there exists feminist literature that would disclaim my loathing of menstruation and claim it is some subversion by the patriarchy, but, seriously, it just flatly disgusts me.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Blackjack
It appears that my luteal phase is mysteriously shortening since this month and last it was only 12 days. Coupled with a somewhat early ovulation (cycle day 14) this month, I was sort of blindsided by a short cycle of only 26 days.
On to cycle 21 . . .
On to cycle 21 . . .
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Your Reproductive Story- Unsung Lullabies Chapter 2
From even the title of this chapter, I was intrigued. Finally, someone was putting into words what my most difficult struggle with infertility has been- my expectations (my hopes, dreams, beliefs) of becoming a parent have been completely eroded by infertility. This is a concept my husband doesn't seem to understand- he tells me I focus too much on the process and all that matters is that somehow, someday we end up as parents. Personally, I'd just as soon know the how and when, thank you very much.
The authors posit that each of us has a unique reproductive story made up of the images that we acquire from a lifetime of interactions, including our interactions with our own parents. I always knew that having babies wasn't an easy thing. I knew about the miscarriage before my birth and the six losses (some late in pregnancy) after that my mother suffered through. I knew that losing babies was a reality and my psyche somehow absorbed that fact. But no one ever explained about male factor infertility- there wasn't even a screen for that radar to appear.
I wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember. Because I was a teenager when my two sisters came along, I got a taste of mommyhood. I did my share of bottles, diapers, and late nights (probably more than my share since I was only 14) in taking care of them. I was the only kid in high school who had two baby seats in my back seat and it was my job to pick them up from the babysitter and preschool. As a result, I didn't have idealized notions of what having children really means, but I have been ready for so long to have a baby to call my own.
This chapter also gives the example of the internal timetable being off balance. This is exactly how I feel. I had a plan, damnit, and it's not working out in the time and manner it was supposed to. I ended up getting married later in life than I had planned, but still within the realm of reproductive normalcy for my peers. We waited a little over a year after the wedding to start to ttc and after we had purchased a house- the house with the perfect nursery. We did it right and in the right order. And now here we sit more than twenty months later and very little hope of a pregnancy in this calendar year, forget a baby. I was supposed to be working on baby #2 by now.
The final part of the chapter deals with writing out one's resproductive story and the benefits of journalling. The authors suggest having both partners write out his or her story. I think this is a wonderful idea, but fear DH wouldn't participate. From what I have gleaned, he does have a reproductive story but it seems to revolve more on interactions with an older child (I believe he is stumped by infants). I feel my blog serves the other purposes of journalling as described by the authors- finding an outlet for feelings and tracking medical procedures. I like to imagine that the authors would be quite happy with our little blog ring of discussion.
To read further thoughts about this chapter, check out this blog
The authors posit that each of us has a unique reproductive story made up of the images that we acquire from a lifetime of interactions, including our interactions with our own parents. I always knew that having babies wasn't an easy thing. I knew about the miscarriage before my birth and the six losses (some late in pregnancy) after that my mother suffered through. I knew that losing babies was a reality and my psyche somehow absorbed that fact. But no one ever explained about male factor infertility- there wasn't even a screen for that radar to appear.
I wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember. Because I was a teenager when my two sisters came along, I got a taste of mommyhood. I did my share of bottles, diapers, and late nights (probably more than my share since I was only 14) in taking care of them. I was the only kid in high school who had two baby seats in my back seat and it was my job to pick them up from the babysitter and preschool. As a result, I didn't have idealized notions of what having children really means, but I have been ready for so long to have a baby to call my own.
This chapter also gives the example of the internal timetable being off balance. This is exactly how I feel. I had a plan, damnit, and it's not working out in the time and manner it was supposed to. I ended up getting married later in life than I had planned, but still within the realm of reproductive normalcy for my peers. We waited a little over a year after the wedding to start to ttc and after we had purchased a house- the house with the perfect nursery. We did it right and in the right order. And now here we sit more than twenty months later and very little hope of a pregnancy in this calendar year, forget a baby. I was supposed to be working on baby #2 by now.
The final part of the chapter deals with writing out one's resproductive story and the benefits of journalling. The authors suggest having both partners write out his or her story. I think this is a wonderful idea, but fear DH wouldn't participate. From what I have gleaned, he does have a reproductive story but it seems to revolve more on interactions with an older child (I believe he is stumped by infants). I feel my blog serves the other purposes of journalling as described by the authors- finding an outlet for feelings and tracking medical procedures. I like to imagine that the authors would be quite happy with our little blog ring of discussion.
To read further thoughts about this chapter, check out this blog
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Never Say Never
The lovely Stirrup Queen Mel has a wonderfully insightful post (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2008/01/one-in-whole.html) concerning individual experience and how it shapes each person differently. She points out that the problems in creating definitions for the grey areas of infertility.
I have been pondering this idea for a long time. I must confess that before joining the ranks of the infertile, I fell into the camp of wondering why people chose to go so far to pursue a biological family. I would go so far as to describe myself as judgmental. And yet now, down in the trenches of infertility, those subjects that were easily black and white now are a rainbow of grey. I know how difficult it is to "just adopt"- physically, emotionally, and financially. And now I understand the pull of wanting all of those experiences that come from a pregnancy.
Yes, there are areas that DH and I have decided not to go. But these are decisions we made for ourselves, based on our values and priorities. We have agreed that donor sperm is not an option for us- that our children need to be genetically related to either both of us or neither of us. But do I think donor sperm is inherently wrong in all situations? No. In fact, the Old Testament speaks of widows being married to a younger brother in order to conceive an heir for her dead husband. And, of course, there is mention of handmaidens being used as surrogates of sorts. I very likely wouldn't use a surrogate, but would certainly be willing to act as one for someone else. When the news stories about the surrogates in India were circulating through the media, I, for the first time, understood why those couples would choose that option, even if it's not one I feel comfortable with for me. The dreadful no-win choices associated with selective reduction for high order multiples is one of the grey areas of the fertility world which I have learned to simply not even discuss. I, thankfully, haven't been in that situation and can't know the feelings associated with it. I am learning that it's hard to say what I would do until I am the one making the choice.
I always thought I would never do ivf. But when one is told that's the only option (and is better educated about the process), a different thought process can pervade. Especially when it's less expensive than adoption.
Infertility has taught me never to say never. And never to question someone else's lines- that may mean choosing adoption before pursuing any treatment or that may mean trying every conceivable experimental reproductive technology.
I have been pondering this idea for a long time. I must confess that before joining the ranks of the infertile, I fell into the camp of wondering why people chose to go so far to pursue a biological family. I would go so far as to describe myself as judgmental. And yet now, down in the trenches of infertility, those subjects that were easily black and white now are a rainbow of grey. I know how difficult it is to "just adopt"- physically, emotionally, and financially. And now I understand the pull of wanting all of those experiences that come from a pregnancy.
Yes, there are areas that DH and I have decided not to go. But these are decisions we made for ourselves, based on our values and priorities. We have agreed that donor sperm is not an option for us- that our children need to be genetically related to either both of us or neither of us. But do I think donor sperm is inherently wrong in all situations? No. In fact, the Old Testament speaks of widows being married to a younger brother in order to conceive an heir for her dead husband. And, of course, there is mention of handmaidens being used as surrogates of sorts. I very likely wouldn't use a surrogate, but would certainly be willing to act as one for someone else. When the news stories about the surrogates in India were circulating through the media, I, for the first time, understood why those couples would choose that option, even if it's not one I feel comfortable with for me. The dreadful no-win choices associated with selective reduction for high order multiples is one of the grey areas of the fertility world which I have learned to simply not even discuss. I, thankfully, haven't been in that situation and can't know the feelings associated with it. I am learning that it's hard to say what I would do until I am the one making the choice.
I always thought I would never do ivf. But when one is told that's the only option (and is better educated about the process), a different thought process can pervade. Especially when it's less expensive than adoption.
Infertility has taught me never to say never. And never to question someone else's lines- that may mean choosing adoption before pursuing any treatment or that may mean trying every conceivable experimental reproductive technology.
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