Doing a 180?

After meeting with the RE (which predictably boiled down to donor insemination or ivf), DH is gung-ho to do ivf and shared risk, at that. After learning more about how few couples (only about 25%) even have embryos to freeze and that those only have enough for one FET, he is willing to take the risk of frozen. Apparently, in his head, he thought ivf creates dozens of embryos that are in deep freeze. I wish he had told me of this so I could have disabused him of the notion. I did know that dozens of embryos wasn't the case, but I must admit I didn't know how few there really are.

I am still struggling with the frozen thing though. Anyhow, I will continue to ponder. If we did move forward, it wouldn't be until summer of 2008 because (1) the RE won't do the ivf until I lose 50 pounds (well, only 35 now since I have been working on this); (2) my work schedule is crazy from February through May and wouldn't allow for any time off for any purpose; and (3) to give us time to get finances in order.

Can I just add that I really hate that just about everything in my life comes down to my damn weight. Sigh.

A Foot Soldier

I moved two of the blogs in my blogroll to the PG after IF category today and was so very happy to do it. It gives me the sense that someone is winning the war against infertility. And that's how I approach infertility- as an enemy to fight against. And even if I don't win, I want someone to prevail against our common foe.

The weapons of the infertile: the all-too familiar stirrups, the dildocam (of course), superovulatory drugs (bring on the Clomid and the needles), the ever-enlarging speculum, the catheters, the blood tests, the list could go on and on. Oh, don't forget the ubiquitous cup for our male friends. Although we have our outward offensive weapons, our defenses must not be neglected. We put on the armor of ambivalence to buffer against disappointment; we use a shield of sarcasm to assuage the despair that comes from another birthday or anniversary or holiday that passes; and, we helmet ourselves with more and more information that informs us, but still does not solve our infertility.

Battle on, friends!

The Paralysis of Overanalysis

This article at Newsweek on decision-making really struck me.

The premise is that decision-makers who do not engage in severe mental gymnastics actually make better decisions.

Consider the "take the best" heuristic. "Take the best" means that you reason and calculate only as much as you absolutely have to; then you stop and do something else. So, for example, if there are 10 pieces of information that you might weigh in a thorough decision, but one piece of information is clearly more important than the others, then that one piece of information is often enough to make a choice. You don't need the rest; other details just complicate things and waste time.

The distinction between the two types is described this way:

Gigerenzer calls such decision making "satisficing," as in "satisfying" enough to "suffice." Satisficers don't feel the need to know everything, in contrast to "maximizers," who do want to weigh every detail imaginable in making even minor life decisions. Interestingly, studies have found that satisficers are more optimistic about life, have higher self-esteem, and are generally happier than maximizers.

I think I've nailed down the big difference between DH and me. I would be really interested to know what impact gender has on being a satisficer versus a maximizer.

When will baby's first Christmas ever come?

I resigned myself months ago to the fact that not only would I not have a baby this Christmas, I wouldn't be pregnant either. But last night I asked DH if he thought we would have one next year for Christmas or at least in process (whether that be pregnancy or imminent adoption). He, being the eternal optimist, said yes. But I just don't see how we're going to get there.
I am really feeling like we need to get some irons in the fire. I need to have something to hang on to in order to get me through this Christmas.

Friday is our consult with the RE. I figure he is going to inform us that further IUIs are pointless. I am not even sure what to ask him at this appointment. What a waste of his time and our money (thankfully, most of it insurance).

Thanksgiving

As the pie bakes in the oven and the snow falls gently outside, I am so grateful for my wonderful (and still snoring) husband. I truly never thought I could be so lucky to have someone who loves me so much and who fills my heart to overflowing.

Thankful for all of you

This day before Thanksgiving, I give thanks for all of the wonderful women and men who make up the online infertile community. And I emphasize community. Merriam-Webster defines community as a "unified body of individuals." I feel that is exactly what so many of you are- whether it is in the blogosphere or from messageboards. We are not the same, our infertility problems are not the same, and the solutions to our infertility are not the same. Yet, we are unified in our struggle that is infertility. We have the same spirit- the spirit to support, to walk alongside each other, to impart that each of us not alone.

I am so grateful and express my thanks to each and every one of you: for those who have left me an encouraging message, for those who have read what I have written and felt that pang of familiarity, for those who have provided helpful information, for those that have agreed with me and those that have disagreed, for those whose blogs I read faithfully, and those whose blogs I have read only once but been touched by. You all have helped me know I am not crazy, I am not abnormal in what I feel, and I am not the only one.

My Thanksgiving wish for each of you is that this is your last childless holiday.

On the semen front

I got the results back from DH's staining semen analysis. The result do indicate white blood cells and not immature sperm cells. It makes no sense to me why this would be the case after a thirty-day round of antibiotics. Or why these white blood cells started showing up in September for the first time after four analyses that showed none.

Of course, the count was terrible as usual, the motility was worse than it usually is, and for the first time the morph was bad.

I seriously doubt we will be doing another IUI cycle in December.