Follicle scan

Cycle Day 10 and a date with the dildocam today was a bit disappointing. The right side has two follicles- 15 and 11 and the left has a 10. The NP thinks I might only get one follicle this month, perhaps, two. My lining is only 5b. Last cycle on CD 8 it was a five and by CD 11 it was a 7, so get to go back to the green grit of the estrogen tablets. Fun, fun. I go back on Wednesday and tentative insems on Thursday and Friday. I kind of wish they would push them out to Friday and Saturday.

Another option?

As if I needed to add any more choices to the mix. Ha!

Last night, I received some info on embryo adoption, which DH was looking at last night. He seems much more amendable to that idea than ivf. Unfortunately, the success rate is only 20 percent, equal to any FET cycle. It costs less than half of what an ivf cycle costs, but I would have to go to Tennessee for the transfer.

Something to think about.

How does one stop "trying?"

This was the discussion DH and I had on the drive to the adoption information meeting. I asked him that if we proceed with adoption, how do I stop "trying" to conceive? His response was we just have sex when we have sex and if some miraculous pregnancy happens, it happens. But even if I hang up my bbt and opks permanently, I know when I am ovulating. How does one step off the rollercoaster of trying and not let that little glimmer of hope sneak in every month? DH told me I needed to get a new hobby. That was pretty much the end of that conversation.

As for the info meeting, it was actually fairly reassuring. Most of the other couples there were interested in international adoption. For their domestic program, they place appx 60 babies a year, they allow 100 families into the program, wait is usually under a year, but the longest waiting couple has been in the book for 2.5 years.* Last year, they had no babies that were "reclaimed" during the legal waiting period and only two the year before. One thing that surprised me was that there is actually very little time between match and placement. Usually, the match is made only in the few weeks before birth and occasionally after birth.

Of course, after the meeting, DH and I had to have another discussion and it always results in the same ending- if trying ivf is that important to me, then he is willing to try it, but his strong preference is for adoption.



*As a total aside, I felt so terribly sad for these people and I don't even know who they are. How terrible they must feel not to be "picked." It's worse than being the last person standing for team picking in junior high.

Adoption information meeting

We are going to one tonight for one of the two local agencies that were recommended by the facilitator of the Resolve talk time group I have attended. I received the info from the one other agency in which I was interested, but its domestic adoption program is currently full and I don't want to even contemplate a waiting list in addition to the length of time adoption can take.

I'm not sure what I am looking to find out from tonight's meeting. When I asked him last night, DH said he just wanted to understand the process better.

If I had to describe my feelings, I would say I am feeling rather ambivalent. And thankful that the Clomid doesn't cause any emotional reactions in me.

Back on the rollercoaster

Got the green light at my baseline today, so here we go again. Now, I am just praying for better (not spectacular- just improvement) sperm results come insemination time. The nurse today repeatedly said how perfect my cycle went last time and how the RE was pleased. Well, my body doing the right thing really isn't that much of an excitement at this point, but it was a nice try.

Biology does not a good parent make

My in-laws are truly the best parents I have ever met. Not that they are perfect people, but there is no doubt in my husband's mind about how much he is unconditionally loved. He has no hang-ups whatsoever that can be attributed to how his parents raised him. My husband would not hesitate to call his parents if he needed something, financial or otherwise. And there is no doubt that they would lend whatever support they could and give all that they have. They are a constant. And this is how I define perfect parenting.

Meeting this family and coming to be a part of it has been a revelation for me. I had never encountered a family without dysfunction. I come from the generation of broken families and therapy. My own family is chaotic and critical. They love me, in their own way and on their own terms. I am the one who can be counted on to come through in a time of crisis. My mother isn't much on comfort because she is always going through something that is "much worse." My father is all about taking credit for my accomplishments despite his perpetual absence throughout my growing up. They aren't all bad and they try, but far from perfect parents. Our infertility journey has not been something in which they have been willing to participate, other than to make veiled negative comments about adoption and say that I have to make my own decisions.

The reason I took my husband's surname was not just because I wanted to be connected with him, but rather, that I wanted to be grafted into this entire family. From the moment I walked back in the door after my husband proposed to me, I have been a part of that family and I have been genuinely loved. My father-in-law opened his arms and said "Welcome to the family!" and told me how glad he was to have another daughter. And that is always how I have been treated.

Both of DH's parents love me because I love and take care of their precious son. I have been adopted into this family as well. Their ability to love and perfectly parent two nonbiological children, and now me, is a testament to why biology doesn't make a good parent. They are how I know that adoption can work. I hope that DH and I can be even half the parents they are.

Keep breathing

and no thinking, that is becoming my mantra. Just zone out and don't think about it. If you don't think about it, it can't hurt, right? Then, why won't the pit in my stomach go away? And not even a pumpkin spice latte does much to tide the PMSy tears that threaten to overflow.

We are going to an adoption agency information meeting next Tuesday. I think DH thinks that if I learn more about the process, I'll feel better about it. If that's what he's thinking, he is barking up the wrong tree. I am on information overload already.

He often tells me how beautiful my eyes are and doesn't realize why that makes me sad, how much I want to see my eyes in my baby's face.

Just rambling today. And trying to hold it together at work.