Grieving for the Pregnancy or the Baby That Never Was: Unsung Lullabies Chapter 8

This chapter starts off Part III of the book which is entitled, "Grieving and Coping." As such, this starts the beginning of the process of how to actually transform infertility from crisis management to coping.

The authors start out this chapter with the concept of "little deaths"- i.e., that every month brings its own grief at the loss of another chance to conceive. This has been the most difficult aspect of infertility for me. When someone dies, there is a point of reference for the grieving process to begin. Although loss is heart wrenching and the pain never goes away entirely, the day-to-day coping gets a little easier. The tightness of pain's vice grip does slowly loosen with time. But with infertility, the grieving process is renewed every cycle and there is no endpoint from which to move away from the pain.

The authors recommend release of emotions as a way to cope with the perpetual repeat of hurt. "Acknowledging the multiple losses from month to month will not eliminate your pain, but releasing the pent-up feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness will provide some relief." I guess, my question to this proposed answer is release to whom? Absent therapy, who is the appropriate person to receive the release of the pent-up emotion? I don't think that any friends or family, and certainly not spouses, are the appropriate recipient of such release.

The authors next tackle the typical stages of grief- and make the very important point that when dealing with infertility, the stages are not a linear progression and one can easily fall from the acceptance stage back to denial or anger in just a single encounter with something like a friend's oops pregnancy. The authors suggest creating a mourning ritual that would address the little deaths since it goes unrecognized by society at large. This idea of providing a self-validation for the grief that has no societally-approved forms of expression is a great one, im my opinion.

The final section of this chapter addresses "getting stuck." When one gets stuck and overwhelmed by the feelings associated with infertility, the authors point to therapy and support groups as an outlet. Ultimately, I liked the following suggestions provided by the authors:

Be true to yourself. Don't try to feel a certain way because someone else thinks you should.

Even if you get frustrated at times, be patient with yourself. . . . The tenderness you would expect to have for your much-wanted child needs to be transferred to your partner-and to yourself as well.

Above all, remember there is no right or wrong way to feel, no right or wrong way to manage all you have been through and continue to experience. It takes time to grieve. . . . You can't erase what you have been through but you can and will get through this, and this chapter of your reproductive story, albeit rewritten, will come to a close.

To continue reading about this chapter, go to Fertility Challenged in Florida.

Twin Cities IFers

are planning to meet up on Thursday, March 20. Please email me at mrsshoelover at gmail for for details. We would love to have any locals join us.

Eighty Percent!

Of the 50 pounds that I am required to lose in order to undergo ivf, I am now down 40! I can call the RE's office and get the ball rolling in about five more pounds.

Beth Kohl's comments

I just wanted to highlight Beth Kohl's comments about my Embryo Culture post below for two reasons. First, how cool is it that the author of the book actually read MY blog and commented! And second, she makes an excellent point that bears repeating.

BethKohl said...
Hi. Beth (Kohl) here. Yesterday, I received a call from a neighbor who is reading the book. She grew up Catholic but left the Church for a local Presbyterian congregation that rents space at a larger church in our town, a congregation she called a "small bible church.". In any case, she is incredibly fluent in Christian theology, but found herself stumped when it came to IVF, and bothered by my experience, albeit brief, with the woman in the Archdiocese of Chicago's Respect Life office. She suggested we (she and I) both read C.S. Lewis for answers, stating that sometimes specific doctrines (e.g. the Donum Vitae, the Catholic Church's "Instruction on Respect for Human Life in Its Origin and on the Dignity of Procreation") marginalize particular issues or people. I think this might be true (how is that for double-talk?). I think that it might be useful to examine theological thought as opposed to religious law to best understand one's relationship to God or religion, particularly when going through something that, quite frankly, Moses or one of his homeys most likely couldn't have anticipated. In any case, I appreciate your thoughts and perspective. Thank you!

There Will Be Blood

so it would be nice for it to get started.

I feel like I have my period- bloated (up an unexplicable half-pound on the scale), PMSy; crampy. But nothing. Not even a spot of maybe it was brown-tinged. I was sort of unsure of my ovulation date, but I haven't had a (unmedicated) cycle this long in a while. The receptionist probably thinks I have a some medical condition given the number of trips to the ladies' room I have made. Why does it have to drag out and torture me?


(No, I haven't seen the movie and don't intend to.)

ETA- I knew as soon as I posted this I could tempt out a response- heavy spotting now and likely a new cycle tomorrow. That would be number 22.

Embryo Culture: Barren Bitches Book Brigade

Beth Kohl's Embryo Culture: Making Babies in the Twenty-First Centurywasn't quite what I thought it was going to be. From the title, I was expecting more of an overall look at what the book jacket describes as "oh-so-up-close-and personal tour of fertilization in America." Turns out that the book is much more about her personal journey. The author does intersperse some more "global" infertility issues and facts with her own personal infertility treatment experience. Overall, it was an interesting read that I wish more fertiles would pick up to understand the process. In fact, I am going to try to get DH to read it before our ivf cycle this summer just so that he has a better understanding of the process from a non-clinical level.

Anyhow, on to the questions for our book discussion:

In Chapter 5 ("Professionals"), Beth writes about her clinic experiences. I got a chuckle out of her observation that "my early-morning posse and I seemed to be codelinquents doing time in juvie hall," as well as her description of George, the (male!) u/s tech. How was/is your clinic experience similar to or different than Beth's? Did you meet/Have you met any particularly memorable people (either fellow patients or clinic staff)?

From many of the blogs I have read or the discussion I have with other infertile women, I realize that this Big Clinic experience is definitely the norm. The clinic I (what is the right word here- frequent, attend, visit- these all seem inadequate) go to is actually a smaller satellite office of a larger clinic. All of the nurses are nurse practitioners. From what I have gleaned from others, I am so glad I chose the smaller office. I truly do not feel like I am only a number. For both of my IUI cycles, the nurse who did the insems was so caring and understanding about my disappointment over the abysmal count numbers.

Many bits of the book hit hard for me, but none more so than what may have been intended as just something that happened in passing. On page 95 of the version I have (second page of Chapter 6- Aspiration) – they're on their way to the clinic for egg retrieval. Gary and Beth are getting into an argument, courtesy of early morning, hormones, fears, a whole blend of it all. Gary calls Beth "a bitch". Beth then says: "He clenches the steering wheel, steeling himself for the fight he assumes will follow calling me this second-most-prohibited of names. I remain silent, reassessing whether I really want to have kids with this name-calling douchebag." Did you/have you/can you foresee getting into such a minor situation with your partner and immediately jumping to the same conclusions as Beth, that maybe where you are isn't where you should be?

I don't know if it's the added hormones (well, yes, I do know that doesn't help by any means) but without fail on the days of my IUI, DH and I get into the worst arguments over infertility and just about anything else. It all gets dragged out of the closet and the end is the same- DH beyond frustrated and me in tears. And it usually results in the discussion of why are we doing this and maybe we shouldn't be and maybe we shouldn't be parents because we aren't fill in in the blank (patient, caring, worthy, et cetera) enough.

The author researched different religious views on ART while she was in the decision process. How did you make your decision to pursue ART, adoption, childfree living etc? Did your religious views play a big part in that decision?

Our religious views have really dictated our path. Both DH and I have prayed and sought guidance as to what is the "right" thing for us to do. Not that we considered any particular choice of technology "wrong," but we have try to seek an answer to what would God have US do. I have read several books on the Christian perspectives of infertility and treatment, as well as research into particular positions of specific Christian organizations and individuals with whose theology I agree. I have also looked at different religions' views of infertility and treatment as a way to better examine all of the ethical aspects.

We both strongly believe that life begins when sperm and egg meet. We had initially rejected the idea of ivf (and I am still struggling with this issue). DH was (apparently) worried that about the abundant creation of frozen embryos and he feels it would be morally wrong for us to "abandon" them. Upon learning that only about 25% of ivf cycles even result in frozen embryos and that those usually result in only enough embryos for one frozen transfer, DH felt that we could morally explore this as an option. I am still struggling with the idea of whether freezing embryos, knowing that only half survive the thaw, is really giving one's potential children their best chance of life.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Mistress's Daughter by A.M. Homes (with author participation!).

Do You Have Any Children?

DH had an "a-ha" moment yesterday when we were leaving church. Mind you, church is getting harder and harder for me lately with all of the kids and the handful of preggos. Anyhow, yesterday we had a guest pastor who was shaking our hands as we walked out and DH introduced us and the pastor commented on the alliterative nature of our first names. (btw- I find this royally annoying on its own)

Then, the pastor asked if we had kids. There was an awkward pause and I just looked away. DH finally answered, rather quietly, "No." Then, the pastor went on to prattle about whether we were going to continue with the alliterative naming thing when we do have children. I just said no and hustled out of there. Mind you, I am PMSing big-time. Under the circumstances, it's a wonder I didn't burst into a deluge of tears as the night before watching Becoming Jane was enough to have me blubbering.

DH and I had a conversation about it on the way home and he told me that no one had really asked him that question before since our journey down the infertility road. I told him I get it fairly regularly. And he told me how sad the question had made him and said, "I think I finally had a glimpse of feeling what you feel all the time."