Take the pledge

Join me in taking Resolve's NIAW Pledge of Resolution, which states:

I recognize the observation of RESOLVE's 18th Annual National Infertility Awareness Week®, 2007.

I understand and endorse RESOLVE's mission of providing support services, education and advocacy on behalf of the 7.3 million Americans diagnosed with infertility.

By signing this NIAW Pledge of Resolution and sending it to RESOLVE, I pledge to...

--Acknowledge I am not alone in my family building journey.
Seek support whether it's online, through a support group or a mental health professional.

--Find empowerment by the learning about the different ways to build a family.

--Take control of my infertility by being an active participant with my medical and mental health caregivers in decisions regarding treatment and other family building options.

--Visit resolve.org often for the latest information and coping techniques.

--Educate friends, family, coworkers others about infertility and its emotional impact as a way to inform them and help them communicate with me.

--Tell family and friends who will be compassionate and supportive about my struggle and give them the opportunity to support me through a difficult time.

--Take action and become a RESOLVE advocate.

By signing this petition I'm letting RESOLVE know that I am committed to pursuing one (or more) of the pledge actions listed above and I acknowledge that RESOLVE is here to support me during my family building journey.

Take it yourself and send to a friend.

Proof

Just a little bit of fun.

Like a ton of bricks

I have a confession to make, I skipped a dose of one of those stupid progesterone suppositories yesterday so that I would hopefully not feel weepy about the adoption info meeting. It apparently worked because I was fairly level-headed and didn't feel emotional about it at all. And for the first time, the idea of international adoption sounded intriguing to me. As if I need to open up another can of worms.

DH, on the other hand, was a royal pain. He kept fidgeting in his chair, sitting up, slouching down, getting up to throw things away, tapping my hand, whispering to me. I wanted to shove him.

After the meeting, we went to dinner and I asked him what he thought. He said he didn't know what to think. Ok, very helpful. After much pointed cross-examination, I finally pulled from him that it had hit him- how long this process is going to take, how much it is going to cost, and how much it will require of us. All of the things I have been saying for, oh, I don't know, months, maybe?

Anyway, I feel like we have a plan of sorts, although it hinges on the results of the special s/a today. If the white blood cells are really immature sperm cells as a result of the Clomid, we will take off at least November from IUIs. Since we will be gone in January, I know we can't cycle then, so we might go ahead and do one in December, depending on what the RE has to say on the 30th at the consult. But if they are really white blood cells, DH wants to go ahead (although I told him not to bother for reproductive purposes) and have further testing involving catheters and rectal probles. Fun, fun.

Meanwhile, in three months, we should know if Bethany will have a local embryo adoption program and if not, we will apply to the one in Tennessee in March after we hit our three year anniversay (program requirement of three years of marriage). So, at least, there is a plan. Even though I feel no closer to actually getting a baby.

Holding on to Teddy Bears

I feel like I am all gloom and doom on this blog (perhaps because it's IF-dedicated and I have another more "all-purpose" one). But the following touched me and made me think how much I wanted to be able to console so many of us who reside in Infertility Land. So, I wanted to share. It's taken from Seasons of Your Heart by Macrina Wiederkehr.

Once upon a time
when days were still fresh
and new,
ordinary
and uncomplicated,
I was a free child
in love with everything . . .

a bee buzzing
the wind in my hair
a branch to hang from
bare feet in the grass
dandelions and fairies
teddy bears.

I don't remember growing up.
It must have happened while I wasn't looking
but it is obvious from my heart
that it has happened
for I am less simple
more complicated
and more cluttered.

I would not choose
to become a child again
but I am looking to children
and searching in them
for a simplicity and ordinariness
that makes being an adult
easier to accept
and miracles easier to see.

Children are not too sophisticated
to wonder
to take off their shoes
to reach out, and up
and all around
for that where miracles are.

The child in me longs
to touch all of the adults I know
with the magic wand of littleness
and perform that great miracle
of enabling them to understand
that it's not too late
to live happily ever after.
The problem is so simple
they could miss it.
Their teddy bears
they've thrown too far
and how desperately they need them.

Virtual Advocacy

Today is Virtual Advocacy Tuesday during this National Infertility Awareness Week. Go here to view Resolve's list of things you can do to support NIAW and specifically check out this to support the Family Building Act of 2007 and to make the federal adoption tax credit permanent. And Mel over at Stirrup Queens is working on a great project of infertility stories. Add yours to the mix.

And if you are wearing your common thread make a point of telling someone its significance. I did- at the voting booth.

Inconsistency and Ignorance

We have friends who are a couple where he is vegan and she is a vegetarian. And although I don't personally agree with their philosophy of not eating animal products, I can respect their convictions. But I about came unglued when the guy who won't eat eggs because it is exploitative of chickens explained that he didn't think embryos were life or potential life. How is that in any way consistent? Good thing DH hustled me out of there pretty fast.

The kicker for ignorance came today when a friend of mine made the comment that "maybe it wasn't God's will" for us to have children. This thoroughly ridiculous statement is so wrong on so many levels (rationally and theologically) that I didn't even know where to start. I was rather proud of my response to her though. I stated rather emphatically that infertility is a disease and would she say that it's God's will that someone had cancer? And then, I told her until she learned a little bit more about infertility or had to go through it, she had best not say such things to those going through it. She tried to tell me that she understood because she physically can't have children (she has had both tubes removed and most of her uterus). But she knew that when she was 23 and is now 40. She has never tried to have children and for that matter never expressed a desire to have them. She doesn't even like the stepdaughter that she has.

Can we tell I am feeling a bit on the angry side this evening? I always do better with a cause to rally around.


Another adoption information meeting tomorrow.

The End Doesn't Justify The Means

Maybe it's because I'm an attorney or maybe it's because I used to be a prosecutor or maybe it's because I have a heightened sense of justice, or maybe it's because of something different altogether. Process is important to me and ultimately, the end never justifies the means, if the means are not acceptable. As much as I have hated it, I have either conceded issues or dismissed cases where I knew the defendant was guilty, but the process was wrong. When the process is jeopardized, a cloud remains over the end result.

This weekend, after a long and tearful discussion involving all of the moral qualms DH and I have with freezing embryos, I asked him, "Why are we considering doing something that we have a such a problem with?" He said he wants me to be happy. I told him, "the end doesn't justify the means." I don't want the conception of our child to be clouded by the greys of moral uncertainty. So, it seems that is decided. Unless something drastic changes, it seems very unlikely that we will ever attempt ivf. And the end result of that is that we probably won't be having biological children.

DH is ready to stop altogether, he thinks any further IUIs are pointless. I am not sure yet on that one, but I'm getting there.