IF I wasn't 17 weeks pregnant, I would be starting stims for ivf right about now. I have been pondering this all week. We purposely planned to be home for the month of July and didn't plan anything big for this very reason. It is so humbling to be in the place that I am and not the one that I had imagined. Instead of poking myself with needles, I am picking out a nursery. I know how blessed I am and I constantly remind myself that I am not "supposed to be" in this position. And I make sure everyone knows it. I don't allow the comments that "it was because we stopped trying" to fly without correction. I still feel the divide between the "normal" and the infertile worlds.
The irony of the IF abbreviation for infertility is not lost on me and has been commented on by others, I am sure. Infertility is all about "if"- if only I could get pregnant, if only there were more sperm, if only the embryos had implanted, if only I could stay pregnant, if only there was insurance coverage, if only we could afford treatment, if, if, if . . . . And the ifs also lead to the "what ifs"- what if we tried a different protocol, what if my husband tries clomid or has surgery, what if we did ivf, what if we tried a different clinic, what if we did it just one more time, what if . . . .
But the biggest IF of infertility is the foundation of hope implicit in even asking the question. If is more than just the desperate wanting, it is the hope creeping in, the wanting to believe in the non-zero chance.
IF.
6 comments:
What a great post and it's oh so true. There are always "if's" and I hate it.
You are always so well spoken. Thanks for that and for standing up for our situations.
What a great post! ENJOY this time! We're celebrating with you!
What you said about IF is sooo true, especially the hope creeping in. I am so excited for you and love checking in on how things are going for you!
Beautifully written.
I hope you're finding some reassurance and enjoying the summer as best you can,
my thoughts are with you,
Pam
Yup.
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