If it ain't chronic

what the hell is infertility?

According to an online dictionary, chronic has the following definitions:

1. constant; habitual; inveterate: a chronic liar.
2. continuing a long time or recurring frequently: a chronic state of civil war.
3. having long had a disease, habit, weakness, or the like: a chronic invalid.
4. (of a disease) having long duration (opposed to acute).

The insurance company is trying to convince me infertility is not chronic and a standing RE referral is not justified.

They are pissing off the wrong woman.

Donating

I donated blood yesterday. My husband has always been very good about going even long before we met, so he usually guilts me into going. I know it's the right thing to do, I just hate having to take the time out of my day. My blood type is the least common so I am usually a hot commodity and the blood donation center calls me regularly. I had taken some time off of donating while cycling because I didn't want to have to explain the fertility medications.

Anyhow, while sitting in the chair waiting for the phlebomist to get going (why do I always get the one who feels the need to help everyone but the person to whom she is assigned?) I got to thinking about my "donor" status. I understand how important and life-saving blood can be, but what about my eggs? I would actually be more than willing to go through a donor egg cycle but am not eligible because of my quickly-approaching thirty-fourth birthday. For that matter, given my cystic fibrosis carrier status and weight history, I don't think I would be the donor anyone was dying to have. It's just that I would like my donation to matter to someone whose struggle I can understand, unlike the woman in the poster on the wall who needed 12 pints of blood during labor.

Fake it 'til you make it

I am terrible at hiding my feelings. I have even been warned by judges about my facial expressions in response to opposing counsel. Call it honesty, lack of self-control, whatever- if I am feeling it, it's usually pretty easy to tell.

My coworker's easily achieved pregnancy (first month) has been really difficult for me. And now that the coworker who started trying a few months after I did has returned from maternity leave, I feel a little raw from the combination of these two events. But one can only avoid a person whose office is just feet away so much. And glaring daggers at a pregnant coworker probably isn't considered socially appropriate.

So, I have been doing my best to suppress what I know can easily be expressed on my face. But faking it is exhausting. I feel so seriously depleted by the end of a work day when I've had to "make nice" and listen to pregnancy/baby prattle. I find myself making faces at myself in the ladies' room as a way to relieve the suppression. I think I've flipped.

Another day, another cycle

For some inexplicable reason, my period came early- by at least a day, possibly two. My luteal phase has always been 13 or 14 days and yet this cycle it barely scraped to 12 days. Very strange.

A little further out of the IF closet

Last week, I was discussing my new weight loss plan with a coworker. She is in her 50's and unmarried and childless. We work very closely together, and for the most past get along well. She is definitely someone who can be discreet.

I told her that I needed to lose 25 ponds by the beginning of April, which is what motivated me to try this new weight loss plan that will guaranteed my weight loss at a rate of three to five pounds a week or refund the fees.

She wanted to know why I had a deadline for weight loss and I, at first, just mentioned a medical procedure. She got concerned that I was very ill or something. I imagine because her brother just recently died of cancer. So, I just fessed up to the ivf. Remarkably, she was very positive about it. She said that she had been wondering why we didn't have children, given my age and how long we have been married. So, I told her that we had started trying before my coworker with the three-month old. And I also told her that this latest pregnancy by a coworker who was successful in her first month of trying has been difficult for me. I am hoping that now that sh eis in the know, she will be a bit of a buffer when the inevitable baby shower comes around.

Read every last one of 'em

at least until Mel adds more. And can I just say Wow! I cried, I laughed, I pondered. My blog roll has expanded, of course, as a result of my Creme de la Creme perusing, but mostly I was fascinated at the post that each blogger chose. I would so love to sit down with so many of them and chat about why the writer wanted that to be his or her "best" for the year.

I'll be honest- some were really hard for me to read, some I didn't agree with it, and some I didn't understand. But I really do think I benefitted from the sharing behind each individual's post.

Creme de la Creme

I slept in late to start off 2008 and DH is still snoring away past noon. I remain in my jammies because it has warmed up to a whopping 5 degrees even though it's after noon. And I am indulging myself by watching the Rose Parade. As a former Pasadena resident, I so miss the Parade. And with the cold, I so miss the CA weather.

As I sit here and contemplate the past and what this year will bring, I have been reading through the Creme de la Creme. I am far from done, but how moved I am by the talent and pure emotion expressed by so many. It might take me several days but I aim to get through all of them.