Tell Me You Love Me, Episode 3

Apparently, it's not going to be male factor infertility for Palek and Carolyn. Kristen over at the Sticky Bean has a great synposis.

First Follicle scan

So, it was dildocam day this morning. One cool thing is that while the NP is looking around, I get to write the measurements down on the clipboard. Helps take my mind off have the probe up the wazoo.

I will start my first round of injects tonight and do another one on Sunday. I am already feeling like a pincushion from the awful phlebomotist who couldn't get a good stick. She finally drew blood from the top of my hand for my estradiol level. I also have to start estrogen supps to help with the lining (this is more just precautionary b/c of the Clomid). I was expecting the typical vaginal suppositories, but no, these are small hard little tablets- the same as what they use for oral, just going up the other direction.

Another dildocam scheduled for Monday. Probably trigger Tuesday depending.
But numbers were as follows:
lining 5b (a minimum of 7b is needed by trigger); right side one follicle at 10 mm and left side two follicles- 10 and 12. Not bad for CD 8.

Happiness Challenge

Thanks to the Happiness Challenge by THE stirrup queen Mel, I committed myself to wearing my fabulous shoes at least weekly. My blog name, you see, has its origins, in part, in my love of thoroughly impractical shoes. One could even say it was my appreciation for good shoes that brought DH and I together. He still remembers the pair I was wearing the night we met. They don't have to be expensive, but it certainly never hurts. I drool over peep-toes and stillettos (the higher the better) and daydream of my Jimmy Choos (DH has been so kind as to buy me two pairs), BCBGs, Steve Maddens, Stuart Weitzmans, and Carlos Santanas in my closet, and long for that ultimate pair of Manolos. I don't, however, often wear the lovely ones I have in my closet. My daily boring life just doesn't seem worth the effort of the impracticality.

In the last few years, my shoe ardor has extended to adorable little baby shoes. I am fine with most baby stuff in stores, but get me around those little tiny baby booties and I am pining for what seems out of my reach. In the event that I ever do get pregnant, I plan to tell DH by giving him a pair of baby shoes (and a pirate book- but that's another story). Hence, my blog title.

Anyhow, on to happiness. I realize that some may question how exactly the wearing of these shoes can make me happy. And to be honest, I wondered myself if it would just be a fun thing to do or would it actually promote some sort of happiness response. This is my third week of pulling my lovely shoes out of their pretty boxes and shodding my feet with something that probably costs more than the rest of my entire outfit combined. And surprisingly, looking down at them does indeed make me happy. As do the many compliments I have received since starting this project. Compliments on my appearance are generally few and far between, but the wearing of the shoes not only improves my footwear, but seems to be affecting my confidence. It's almost as if my little brain is saying, "Well, I may not be pregnant, but damn my shoes are hot! So, watch out!"

So, money may not be able to buy one happiness (and sadly not even a baby sometimes), but it sure can help with shoe acquisition.



P.S.- Today's pair are not that expensive, but certainly impractical. A truly fabulous pair of four-inch red patent leather peep-toes that can be found here for unfortunately a bit less than I paid for them.

Maybe I am crazy and don't know it?

I have been on the Clomid three days now and no noticeable side effects. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because I know so many women have experienced some really terrible side effects. I know some women have described their experiences as feeling like they were going crazy. So, I wonder if I going crazy, but just am unaware?

I thought for sure I would have headaches, at a minimum, since I have a tendency to get hormonal migraines anyway. But so far nothing. Of course, now that I have posted this I will probably get some killer side effects as a jinx. And part of me wonders if the Clomid is actually working in there if I'm not feeling anything. And to swing to the other end of the spectrum, I always worry about too many follicles since this is my first medicated cycle and we have no idea how I'll respond. It seems rather aggressive to have started with 100 mg of Clomid followed by 2 daily vials of injects when we know I ovulate.

GIven my flip-floppy thinking, maybe I am crazy.

Losing My "Virginity"- Clomid-Style

Last night, I took my first 100 mg dose of Clomid. I actually hesitated before I swallowed each of those pills- talk about very bitter pills to swallow. I felt each one go down my throat as if I was swallowing a huge blob of chalk. With those swallows, I had to finally acknowledge to myself that any baby we conceive won't be conceived like "normal people." With those swallows, my hormones are no longer in my control and now my menstrual cycle is at the hands of a doctor and drugs. I will ovulate earlier and more follicles and likely more painfully than ever before. Temps and opks are out the window, I am no longer monitoring my own body. I am not "taking charge of my fertility;" rather, my fertility is taking charge of me. I will be tricking it with meds and injecting it with hormones, watching the response to those hormones through ultrasounds and attempting to get sperm to meet egg via a catheter. In a way I never even considered before, I feel somehow violated. Something has been taken from me.

With this Clomid, I am crossing a threshold that I can never get back. I am one of "those" women. I realize a lot of women take Clomid (although I see this as more than just taking Clomid and as the first step to the injects next week and the IUIs) and it's not that big of a deal. However, in a way I don't truly understand it's a painful reminder of the infertility. I wonder if the fact that my coworker is due this week has anything to do with my feelings. She started trying AFTER we did and now she has a baby and I am taking drugs.

I have to shamefully admit how much resentment I felt for my husband when taking those pills. Why do I have to subject MY body to all of this because his doesn't work? Men whose wives have the infertility diagnosis are only inconvenienced to the tune of masturbating in a cup. Why is medical science such that infertility is a women's issue even when it's not her physical problem?

I am grateful that there is at least this to try, but with the swallowing of those pills, the dream is gone.

Tell Me You Love Me Episode 2- spoiler

Thanks to On Demand (I think we spend more on cable than our other utilities combined), I caught episode two of HBO's "Tell Me You Love Me." Thankfully, the pornographic level was turned down considerably. As far as the infertility storyline, the wife confesses that she had testing done. Apparently, they had previously agreed they weren't ready to take that step. Totally unrealistic that people in their 30's would not want to proceed to testing.

The husband is angry that she has gotten tested without telling him, accuses her or "gathering her ammo." Then, he asks her what they will do if it's him. And she has no answer. How true that is. If it's him, there rarely is an answer other than some form of ARTS. But just when you start to think it really is going to be him, the teaser for the next episode has the wife telling another couple that he had his sperm tested and it's just great.

One interesting scene for the IF couple is the meeting with the therapist. The therapist asks if they tried this month, and the husband replies, "We try every month." I laughed at that one. Ah, the futility of "trying." The husband finally breaks down and admits that sex on demand has more than lost its charm. The therapist also advices them to consider telling people. The wife is adamant that it should be private and that she doesn't want to start getting advice from everyone and her aunt (you have to wonder of the screenwriter knows of Aunt Jane?). The therapist tries to reassure her that she might be surprised at the response of others because other women and their aunts have gone through this too. Obviously, not a therapist who specializes in infertility.

Anyhow, I am curious to see how next week pans out. And happy to know that I can get a sneak preview via On Demand.

Green light

for IUI #1. Started my period this morning and called the clinic at 8:30 (slept in since I had today off). The receptionist said the latest appt she could fit me into was 9:30 and that I needed to come in today b/c they only do baseline u/s during the week. Gulp! I hadn't even showered yet. So, a mad rush to the clinic, breaking a few speed records and freezing with wet hair (it somehow dropped to a high of 50 degrees here on the one day I can't blow dry my hair- typical).

But the good news was my ovaries are cyst-free and looking pretty, so we are set to get on the IUI merry-go-round. I know it may not work, but at least it's not the same damn thing we have been doing unsuccessfully for 15 months.

So, for those interested, my protocol will be as follows: 100 mg Clomid forCD 3- CD7, another u/s on CD 8, 150 U of Gonal-F on CD 9 and possibly also on CD 11. Another u/s around CD 11 and Ovidrel trigger when the follicles are looking good, followed by back-to-back insems. Oh and lovely progesterone supps following insem, can't wait for that.