At the women's group I am facilitating at church on Friday mornings, we discussed the Binding of Isaac from the Old Testament. For those unfamiliar with the Biblical account, God orders Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. Isaac is the son of Abraham and Sarah's old age- the child promised during their barrenness. I won't go into all of the theological debate behind this story, however, I started our discussion by sharing how when I learned I was pregnant, my mind immediately went to this Biblical event and has returned there many times. [These women are aware of our infertility struggles.] I fear so much what God could call me to sacrifice after granting us this miracle.
They were shocked, to say the least. How could I even think that way? My response to them was, "What God has given, God can take away." The terrible tragedies of loss in the blogosphere alone is proof of that.
I am trying so very hard to believe that December or thereabouts will bring us a real baby. I bought some furniture for the nursery because I got an amazing deal on it. And I almost hyperventilated when I got home from the anxiety of what would I do if there was not a baby to put in it.
I even broke down and bought a doppler this week (still waiting on it to arrive). I had been trying for so long to act like a "normal" unworried pregnant woman that I had resisted buying one. I couldn't take the worry anymore and DH has almost barred me from the internet to prevent me from stumbling across stories of terrible loss. This maddening dichotomy of believing in this baby and the crushing fear of how could I possibly cope with a loss is paralyzing.
9 comments:
All I can say is I understand completely. My husband is the same way about my spending so much time online. And I just ordered a doppler today too. Faith is a bitch. I just wanted to second what you wrote here. I could have typed the exact same thing. BTW, have you read the book "The Red Tent?" It's an offshoot of the Isaac/Sarah story. It's a fictional supposition of what happened to Jacob and Leah's daughter Dinah. I found it to be a good read.
The doppler is the greatest invention of all time. I love mine. I hope yours gives you some relief from worry.
I can relate to this post. I thought about that story all through my pregnancy. now that I have delivered, It is still in the back of my mind. I am still somewhat conscious of that - It does amaze me how many people do not "think or want to think" about the taketh away part.
I am cheering you on
I hope the Doppler will help you a little bit with the anxiety, but I think we all understand where you are coming from. It's hard to believe when you know how often and how easily things go wrong.
It wasn't until the last week or two that I've really started to believe I'm going to have a baby in October. My attitude in public was, "I'm just going to enjoy this," but what I really felt was "I'm just going to enjoy this until it goes bad."
But, for every heartbreaking story we know, there's a Fertilized, too, right? That's what I keep focusing on.
Good luck, hon. Following along with you...
I can see where you would feel this way. I hope you find peace soon!
The doppler helps. I still use mine,
J
I don't have anything to say but I didn't want to read and not post. Congratulations though on reaching 15 weeks
I understand your feelings too. Hope that your doppler helps you feel a bit more at ease. Just keep taking it one day at a time.
I understand you feelings. I think I would be the same way, but you worked hard to get to this place and have a right to enjoy this pregnancy. I hope the doppler arrives soon and helps to ease your mind.
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