On the semen front

I got the results back from DH's staining semen analysis. The result do indicate white blood cells and not immature sperm cells. It makes no sense to me why this would be the case after a thirty-day round of antibiotics. Or why these white blood cells started showing up in September for the first time after four analyses that showed none.

Of course, the count was terrible as usual, the motility was worse than it usually is, and for the first time the morph was bad.

I seriously doubt we will be doing another IUI cycle in December.

Canine thanks

Today, I am very grateful for our two misbehaving, but oh so lovable, dogs. I am especially enamored of them after their grooming session yesterday since they now smell soooooo good and are extra soft and fluffy. Both of them are rescue dogs. The first came as a stray who was used to digging in trash cans and the other was the old dog that no one else would take home.

Although both of our mutts leave a little bit to be desired in the well-behaved category, they both are attention seekers who give so much doggie love unconditionally. They don't care if it's one of those days when I look like I've been hit by a truck- you know the ones- sweatpants, dirty hair in a pony tail, feeling fat. They sit silently with me when I cry. They don't judge. They can sense when I'm having a hard day and often just come up and put their little heads on my knee. They are excited by the simple things- a walk, a treat, a little attention. They don't worry, they don't have stress, they feel confident that their needs will be met. Ah, a dog's life. I am grateful that I can share in their little slice of that.

Office Thankfulness

Although I don't always like my job and it is not ideally what I want to be doing career-wise, I am very thankful that I have a job. After getting married and moving, it took me nine months to find any kind of a job, so when things around here get dicey, I remember how it felt to be unemployed.

I am also thankful that my job is flexible eight months of the year and I can take time off without explanation for all the myriad doctor's appointments that IF brings. And I am very thankful that my insurance covers all IF testing and diagnosis and six rounds of IUI. I know how few people have that benefit.

Sunday Thanks

Today, I give thanks for the wonderful older women of my current church and those of my previous churches. They are wise and noble women.

They have taught me that no matter what is going on in my life, there is some one much worse off than me who could use my help. They have shown me the wisdom of praying for someone while beating batter for banana bread or a batch of cookies. They have instructed me in the art of hospitality whether at home or in the church kitchen. They have taught me how to laugh through the tears and pray when there are no answers.

They don't question me about infertility, but make sure I know that they are available to talk. They never ask why I can no longer assist in the nursery. They pray for me. They ensure that I am not ostracized by the fact that I am the only childless woman my age.

They expect great things from me and for me, even when I can't foresee either for myself. They build me up with their quiet spirits. They personify God's love here on earth.

A Week of Thankfulness

In an effort to prepare my heart and spirit for Thanksgiving, I am going to post each day about something for which I am thankful despite infertility.

Tonight, I am thankful that I have a lovely home with lots of space for entertaining. I love that I am able to open my home and share holidays with friends and my wonderful in-laws. I get to bake and cook and create smiles on people's faces. For this one week, I am not going to dwell on the "empty" rooms that await a baby. I will remember all of the special memories that have occurred in all of the other rooms. The day our newlywed selves moved into our first home together. The anniversaries and holidays we have celebrated at the Amish-made cherry wood dining room table that DH insisted be handmade and real wood. Our first "real" furniture that was neither handed down from relatives nor required assembly. The opera posters and the Native American pottery that we have acquired in our travels together. Snuggling on the overstuffed couch with the fireplace roaring on a snowed-in day. For this one week, I will be thankful for our home which is so much more than a house.

Estrogen is my friend

I have decided that estrogen is my friend. I feel the most sane and the least sad about infertility at the beginning of a cycle. It's not a "it's a new cycle, so there is a chance" thing, it's more that I feel as if I am in control and not some hormones. Even on the Clomid and injects, I still feel "clear." Since that is the dominant hormone in the follicular phase of a cycle, I have decided estrogen is my friend. And progesterone is the work of the devil. Post-ovulation, I am just a mess. Then, add those cursed suppositories and I am veering off into depression. Perhaps, this is why I had such a difficult time on birth control pills that were heavily progesterone-laced.

The human body fascinates me.

Bella

DH and I went to see "Bella" this weekend. It has received numerous independent film awards (most notably the People's Choice Award at the Toronto Film Festival). The movie has been touted as a pro-life, pro-adoption movie, so I was curious to see it.

DH didn't care for the film. He thought it was overly sentimental and the symbolism in-your-face blatant. And although I agreed that some of it was over-the-top, it was nice to watch a movie that was just about the story of a few people rather than sidetracked by violence, sex, gore, or sensationalism. I think it gave an accurate potrayal of the feelings a woman goes through when faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I wish that there had been more depth in the movie's examination of what it means to be family. But I think I really liked it most for all of the Spanish speaking. I miss the beauty of that language, which I was accustomed to hearing, but rarely do any more here in the Middle.

For further information about Bella, check out its website.