Results Are In

DH went to his appt and got his first post-Clomid s/a results. He has only been on it two months, so it is still early to test based on the sperm production cycle, but the urologist is big on monitoring. The urologist thinks there is improvement in motility (I don't), but the count did not increase, although the volume did. Additionally, testicle firmness is increasing, which is apparently a sign of better testicle health and sperm production. What concerns me is that this is the first s/a that showed white blood cells, an indicator of infection. A culture was done, but apparently the urologist didn't discuss this with DH.

On a side note, it drives me insane that DH has no knowledge of these things! He doesn't research anything and has no clue about what is normal. He just takes at face value what the doctors tell him. Argh!

I really feel like I am setting myself up for big disappointments with the IUIs, especially because we are dealing with less than five million motile sperm. Why am I going to pump myself full of drugs and go through all of this when the outcome is very likely going to put us in the same position as we are now but only six months older. I guess I feel we have to try because they are paid for by insurance. And DH wants to try it because it increases the chances some, but I really think he is being unrealistic.

Tell Me You Love Me

Thanks to the post at the Sticky Bean, I caught HBO's "Tell Me You Love Me" premiere last night. Although I could certainly have done with out the explicitness of the sex scenes or for that matter the focus on sex in general, I realize as DH's told me, "This is HBO."

Anyhow, the premise of the show is three couples- one in their 20's, one in their 30's and one in their 40's- who all end up with a couples' therapist. The couple in their thirties has been ttc for a year- just reaching an infertility diagnosis, I suppose. In watching the scenes dealing with infertility, I found myself to be more of a critic rather than an emphasizer (in the same way I watch legal shows, knowing that it really doesn't happen that way in most courtrooms). There is no way she would have been going to a fertility clinic on the sly without her husband and the doctor certainly wouldn't have euphemistically referred to a semen analysis as "making a deposit downstairs." But one moment that was particularly poignant and realistic is when the wife tells her husband that they need to have sex because she is ovulating (she can feel it- hee, hee) and he isn't in the mood, so an argument ensues. Been there, done that.

DH thinks that they are setting up for male factor infertility since the wife "checked out" (she really didn't though, an u/s alone isn't enough to diagnose). That would make for a really interesting show since MFI is rarely talked about. We shall see.

Taking out the trash

It seems that even our garbage labels us as the childless ones. Saturday was trash day and I had to leave the house early in the morning. As I drove down our street, I noticed that the receptacles at our house and the few belonging to older (i.e., elderly) couples were the only ones not overflowing and accompanied by numerous diaper boxes.

When DH and I moved to this neighborhood almost two years ago, we picked it because of its family nature. Now, it just grates that this huge house holds only the two us (and the mutts, of course). Most of the other neighbors all know each other because their kids race around together. They are all friendly to us and wave when we drive by, but I don't know any of their names.

We moved in early October 2005 and I recall many parents and children who came by at Halloween during trick-or-treating who asked if we had any kids. This was repeated again in 2006. I can't believe it's two years later and its still just us. How I long to drag out to the curb boxes from the dreaded Babies 'R Us and numerous diaper boxes. I want to belong to the elusive club of the neighborhood.

Out of the closet

so to speak. Today, at a women's group at church, during the prayer requests, I brought up that I am really hoping to start a treatment cycle for infertility and would hopefully know next week. It was so difficult to get out it felt like I was admitting to being a child molester. Still processing this, but will post more soon.

Interesting study

I came across the following abstract. I haven't read the study, but sure would like to.

11561741 JA

Coping with male infertility. Gender differences

Women of infertile couples rated higher on "depressional coping" than their partners. Women with infertility rated lower on "religiousness and search for meaning" than women with other chronic medical problems.

2001 Arch Gynecol Obstet 265;3:131-6

Kowalcek, I., Wihstutz, N., Buhrow, G., and Diedrich, K

Another day, another semen analysis

DH goes in for his semen analysis today to see if the Clomid has had any effect. He won't get the result until his appointment with his urologist next Wednesday. I realized this is his sixth s/a. Poor guy. He never complains about it though (other than that first one with people rattling the bathroom door handle).

I'm not expecting much of a change, but I am secretly hoping for at least 10 million motile sperm. Please . . .

Why

Had a discussion with DH after church yesterday. In place of the usual sermon, two members of the congregation spoke about their faith journey. One of the them explained how it was a "born-again moment" to be at the birth of his children. I almost lost it at that one. (On a side note, I truly wish DH would not insist on sitting so close to the front of church, so I could escape at times like these.) The other speaker commented that even in the midst of her struggle that she knew God was there; He might not take away the pain, but His presence was a comfort. DH asked me if I felt that way about infertility. And I admitted that, for the first time in the fifteen years that I have been a Christian, I don't feel like God is there. I have had bad thigns happen to me and I have always felt able to turn to God, but now I feel veyr much alone. I know intellectually that bad things happen to good people and that a physical ailment is not necessarily a manifestation of sin (cf. the blind man whose parents did not sin but was blind so that God would be glorified) and yet, as I explained to DH, there is part of me that screams inside, "what is wrong with me? Why do I deserve this?" Not that I think anyone "deserves" this struggle.

DH explained to me that he doesn't question why. He doesn't look at having a baby as something that anyone "deserves" least of all, him. He truly doesn't have a preference about how we bring a child into our family- whether through biology or adoption. He doesn't feel that going through the process is something he will miss. And he truly doesn't understand my reluctance or pain about the loss of that opportunity. I finally was able to come up with an analogy that he could understand. It is like a wedding. many women spend their entire lives "planning" their weddings in their heads. They have expectations for what they want it to look like. And eloping to Vegas might get you married, but you won't get a wedding out of it.

Having a baby is similar. I have pictured in my head all of the "moments"- telling DH, seeing baby on ultradounds, decorating baby's room, talking to baby in my womb, having baby showers, going into labor and a rush to the hospital, and that perfect moment of holding my child in my arms. DH thinks that bringing an adopted child into our home for the first time would have a similar feeling and it might. But I want all of those other things too.